Tuesday, December 28, 2010

my love.

I miss him so much. I wish I could see him again. Oh, what I would give just to have one more day with him. He was always so gentle and loving. He would softly kiss my lips or gently run his fingers through my hair. In the mornings we would just lay there curled up watching TV and I could feel him digging his nose in my neck or smelling my hair. Whenever we would go out he never hesitated to show me off to the world. We would even go to the store or the video store in our sweats but he didn't care what I was wearing, what I looked like, or who was around. He always pulled me close and held on tight. We would be walking and he'd grab me from behind and walk around with me like that. He'd also whisper cute things in my ear like "I love you angel" or "will you be my beautiful girl forever and seven days?". He always wanted me to be there right beside him no matter what it was. Whether it was to run to the store to pick up cases beyond cases of gatorade, be there with his family to pick him up from the airport or drop him off to watch him leave again, or sit outside in 100 degree weather to watch him play in softball tournaments with his family. Or my favorite: fly me all the way across the united states so I could be with him for a whole four days:) I miss him so much. No matter what relationships he had in the past with certain people it doesn't matter now because they had him then and I have him now. I love him so much.. I hope that I get to see him really soon:( I hate living my life without him. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. Its so beautiful how heor is still manages to find ways to tell me that he loves me. He has visited many people in their dreams. He has asked them all if they could please give me a message. Its usually this: please take care of her for me. Tell her I will always love her and I will always be with her" :( he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am very blessed to have such a handsome angel guarding over me at all times. I love you ronnie.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

today friggin sucks:/ ive honestly been crying my eyes out all day. i cant stop. i'll be doing something random and then all of a sudden the tears come. i cant help myself. i just want to scream. i miss him so much. its indescribeable. i just want to see him again. i love him. its our anniversary on sunday. i dont wanna be alone that day:/ hopefully someone will wanna do something or maybe all of my friends will come over again so my mom can make us dinner haha

man this sucks:( its just not fair.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

december 1st, 2010

No one knows how much I hate today. I'll hate tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that. I hate this entire month. I wish my life would just stop, today. I can't do this anymore. I can't act like I'm okay when I'm not. All I want to do is go already.sounds crazy and I sometimes can't believe I'm actually saying it, but I do. My life has stopped, and its hard to breathe!

He would have been coming home in a few weeks. Last I heard, he was scheduled to be returning hopefully a week before christmas. I was supposed to be there, standing at green ramp, awaiting his arrival. Best part, he wouldn't know I was there until he stepped off the plane. Yes, it would have been a surprise; a great one I might add:) How was I going to be able to pull this off? With the help of ronnies friend cruz. The soldier who flew to california to be here for the funeral. The brave guy who was there with my love the instance he died. The guy who was there for ronnie in ways that I couldn't be. The one who gave ronnie the hope that things would work out between us while we were broken up. The guy who prayed for ronnie every time they went out on a mission. The guy I owe so much to because he was a brother and loyal friend to my ronnie. In a strange way, I have this sisterly love for him simply because of everything he did for ronnie. I will forever be greatful of cruz.

I met cruz a few months ago. We never actually met in person until ronnies funeral services but I met him online through facebook. One day I got this random message from him.I knew who he was already because ronnie had some pretty funny stories about him and told me all of them when he came home on leave in august. He told me how he had this friend named cruz who gave him advice on how ronnie needs to clean his act up if he ever wants to get me back and be together again. For those of you who don't know, ronnie and I were broken up for 4 months during his deployment. Reasons for why are a whole other story and will come out sooner or later. But anyway cruz and i talked about ronnie and all he ever told me was how happy I made ronnie. We were planning a surprise. He told me he would like me to fly out to N.C.a day or two before they arrived so we could surprise ronnie. Every week he kept updating me on the date they were coming home and if something changed he let me know. I believe the date changed twice. Everytime it changed, it was for the better bc more and more time was being knocked down. First date was dec 27th, next date was a week before then. I was excited. I started planning things. His wife erica and I began talking. We exchanged phone numbers and began writing messages to each other. I was so excited to meet them and even more excited to surprise ronnie. He had no idea! Cruz and I kept it a good secret, now I'm wishing I would have told him bc till this day he still doesn't know what cruz had planned. Cruz wanted to do something nice for ronnie and told me that the best thing he could do for him was make sure I was there, outside the plane waiting for him to walk off and step foot in the US and me be the first person he sees. Cruz looked up flights and was making plans. I talked to my mom about it. It took a lot of convincing bc she's not too thrilled about me flying. Everytime I flew out there she couldn't sleep bc she worried so much. But this time it was different and she knew that. There was nothing I would have wanted more then to be there the minute he was home. I anticipated that day and imagined it. I found myself daydreaming and picturing what it was going to be like at that moment. Cruz opened his home to me, was going to let me stay there with him and his wife so I wouldn't have to worry about hotels and all that junk. He had it all planned out, it was just a matter of waiting to see when the final date would be so then I could buy my ticket and wait. Then everything happened and that's when that dream came crashing down. I finally met cruz, in person. But not the way I was supposed to meet him. I was supposed to meet him the day him and ronnie came home;together. Ronnie would have been there. He would have been the one to formally introduce me to him. I wasn't supposed to meet him at a hotel late one night, the day before ronnies memorial service. It was a weird feeling meeting him. He was like the last person I wanted to see bc ronnie wouldn't be there but also the only person I wanted to see. He was the closest thing to ronnie and if I couldn't see ronnie, he was the next best thing bc I know he was with ronnie at his last breath of life. Deep down I think ronnie knew he had something planned up his sleeve. Whenever ronnie and I would talk on the phone or on facebook, he would always say "cruz is smiling at me, why is he smiling at me babe?" And I'd reply by saying I didn't know. He'd always say "hmmm, sonethings going on here and you both aren't telling me". So I think he knew:)

Like I was saying before, december just won't be my month. It was supposed to be the greatest month but now that I won't see ronnie, I can careless about the stupid months to come. I am not looking forward to anything anymore bc who's to say that I'll even get to make it to whatever it is I have planned or am looking forward to. I'm stuck to live each day as it comes and I will no longer be planning ahead for anything. I don't see a point in it, most of the time you get let down anyway:/

Sorry if I depressed anyone, but that's honestly how I feel. I'm just not excited about life anymore.I know many of you are probably saying that ronnie wouldn't want me to be or feel this way but you know what? Ronnie doesn't know what its like to lose the person he was in love with. I'm still here! I wasn't the one to go, he went:( if I went first, then he would know how I'm feeling but since I wasn't, he has no idea.I'm still trying my hardest for him to be happy but its just not working.I've been told that I'm in the darkest phase right now,and honestly I am. I just want this pain to go away and I want to be left alone.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My ipod was on shuffle this morning and these songs came on that remind me of him: halo-beyonce, super human- chris brown, and hold my hand-akon michael jackson. These songs all have reasons as to why they remind me of him. I remember when ronnie first got to north carolina after he graduated from basic training. He went through this beyonce/ chris brown phase. I think it had a lot to do with me liking them:) but anyway he bought both albums I forget the names of them. One day he sends me a text while he was working and I was at school. He told me to listen to these songs; halo and super human. He said that they remind him of me and they are his favorites off of their cds. I listened to them over and over again. Now when I hear them I can't help but think of that time I used to always play them. The song by akon reminds me of last year. I remember when he flew me out to be with him on his last four day weekend of the year right before deployment. I heard this song and yeah I liked it but it didn't actually stick with me until after I left north carolina. I had so many different emotions during that time. I was sad, happy, basically bi polar. Haha I listened to this song over and over on the plane rides home. Fayetteville to charlotte, charlotte to pheonix, pheonix to ontario. It was crazy how I felt.so now everytime I hear it, I just think of that entire weekend I spent with him. It was soo cold there. It was nice being able to cuddle and lay down with him all weekend. We were like a lil married couple living in our own place lol I remember I helped him clean his room and pack his bags for afghanistan:( we went grocery shopping haha well more like snack shopping lol we picked out movies together. I even helped him fill out papers at the PX for him so he can get approved for a military star card which is a fancy name for a credit card. I remember the lil old lady that helped us. She saw both of our rings on our left ring fingers and she asked how long we have been married:). We both smiled and ronnie looked at her and said we're not married, yet!! Lol she just laughed with us and complimented us on how cute we were. I won't ever forget that moment. It was perfect!! There were so many of those moments.people were always asking us how long its been or whens the wedding date?? Lol he always talked about our future. One of my last conversations I had with him he was rambling about how excited he was and he came up with this plan of how everything was gonna go.he told me he talked to his mom and grandma about it. He was excited to come home and tell his grandparents to their faces. He felt they deserved to be told the news in person. It was at that moment when I knew he was dead serious about his plan to marry me. I miss him and love him with my entire heart.

Today is another hard day for me. Woke up this morning and just wanted to fall back asleep. I wish I could sleep through everything. This pain I feel is unbearable at times. There are many moments where I flip the f*** out! I get all crazy on people. I don't have much patience lately. A lot of people are ignorant and annoying as hell. I am very bitter now and this opened my eyes to so many things people do and say that annoy me. Some don't even know what the hell they are talking about. They waste their time on dumb shit. Its like "how old are you" grow the hell up! Ahh it drives me crazy. There are so many ungreatful people and its just so sad. I would do anything just to have him back. I'm so sorry for those of you who have lost someone. This is the worst feeling in the world. When I think about my future now, I see nothing. Its so hard to live for the future when all I keep thinking is how in the hell I am going to get through the day. I know he would be very mad at me if he knew I was upset and crying. He hated when I was anything but happy. I can hear him now telling me smile babe, you're so beautiful when you smile mamas.:(
I miss him. That's an understatement.

Why did god take him away from us?? I just don't understand this at all. God heard everyday and everynight when ronnie would promise me he would be coming home. He always said he would be safe and to never worry bc he would be home soon. So why did god have to take him, why?

If he's so powerful and has a plan for everyone, then he must have known that this was going to cause so much pain and heartache. Why would he do this to us? I can't wait for the day I find out.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

People keep saying... "I'm here for you, anything you need."

Well if that's the case, then why do I feel so alone? I feel alone although I know I'm not. Everyone is affected by this, yet I'm feeling it in different ways then other people. Just like they might be feeling it in ways I can't relate to. If this is the case then does this mean that I'm not the only one who feels alone??

I guess I'm feeling it a lot right now bc so much is going on. All I want is to talk to him about it bc I know he would be the one to really care to listen. Whenever I had a problem, he was the person I went to and he helped me so much. Just like when there were things he had to deal with or situations that brought him down, he turned to me to help pick him back up again. I miss him so much.

I keep listening to all the songs he told me that remind him of me:( it seems like every song is about the guy being gone yet still with his girl everywhere she goes. They talk about her having him forever and she being the only one he will ever love. I miss what him and I had. Things were not perfect, but they were still wonderful. We had something truly amazing. I don't think anyone could ever have what we did. We understood each other in different ways. We knew the littlest things about each other that not even our bestest friends knew. How do I know this? Well, because we told each other "no one knows this". No one will ever know.

I heard his voice when he was upset or scared. It stays with me and haunts me now:( I wake up at night wanting to call him but then I realize he won't be there to pick up the other end of the call. There were days when he would call me in the middle of his sleep saying things that I can't get out of my head till this day. The trembling in his voice was the worst of them all! I heard it all! I heard the things that no one knows about. It was my job as his girl to pick him up and encourage him to stay strong and focused. It was hard! So effin hard but I wouldn't change it for the world! I loved being the person who stood behind him and gave him the motivation he needed to go on! He always told me that he loved knowing he could call me when he was in the shittiest mood but know that when our conversation was over, he'd be in the best mood. Its true. It happened quite a lot actually. I could tell what type of mood he was in just by the way he said "hey baby". If it was a low tone then he was sad, if it was high then he was happy and excited or if it was an irritated tone then he was upset about something. I miss him so much! I just wanna scream! I wish he were still here! I wish I could hear his diffferent voices again! I wish I could pick him up when he's down or hold him up when he's already high! Like I said, things were not always so perfect, we had our share of ups and downs but all that matters is we both moved on from there. We let it come in between us for a little while but we worked through them bc nothing and NO ONE was worth getting in between what we shared.

We confessed so much to each other and told each other things that we were scared to admit but we did it bc it had to be done and we didn't want to lie to each other anymore. He told me things that killed me, literally stabbed my heart but I forgave him just like he forgave me. We cried then laughed bc we both decided to make it work. We loved each other. And that's what two people do when they are in love; they work out their problems.

We would have been happy and lived a happy healthy life together. We would have had a beautiful marriage filled with love and the love of our lord. Our kids would have been beautiful and mommy and daddy would have gave them anything their lil hearts desired. We would have had a beautiful home. Nothing too big or too expensive but somewhere to just raise our kids and just be happy. How do I know this??

Because we talked about it; all day, everyday. It was the one thing we both could mention and from then on our mood was the best it had been all day long.

I love him. No one knows how I feel unless their love has been taken from them in the blink of an eye too.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm screaming inside my own skin!! All I want is to get away! I want to be gone already. If tomorrows my day, then so be it. I just want to see him again.

I miss him:(

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I used to fall asleep, whether it was right infront of him or while we were on the phone, wherever it was he sat there and talked to me. He'd have conversations with me while he let me sleep. I remember there were a few times where I wanted to hear what kinds of things he would say to me so I would pretend to be sleeping. I'd stay very quiet, but ended up really falling asleep haha this whole thing started way back in junior year of h.s. That summer ronnie called me every night at the same time; 9 pm. I was a grandma who had to get up for work so by that time I was exhausted! I'd usually talk for about a half hour and then crash.
Eventually I'd wake up to the phone on my ear but no one there. Next day would come and he'd make fun of me for snoring on the phone the previous night! Whatta brat! He snores loud too:) haha anyway finally one night I wasn't that tired so I stayed awake through his entire convo with my "sleeping" self. The things he said to me made me fall for him even more! He was so amazing. Just recently, this past august, him and I went for a drive. It got really late and I was super tired but we both didn't wanna go home bc going home meant we would no longer be next to each other. He begged me to stay as long as I could with him. He told me that he wouldn't care if I fell asleep, all he wanted was to be able to drive all night and know that I'm sleeping peacefully next to him, safe and sound. I told him I would. I ended up falling asleep for about 25 mins he said. He had a pretty deep convo with me apparently. When I first started to doze, the only thing I could manage hearing was I love you vanessa. As you start to drift to sleep just know I think you are the most beautiful girl. And then from there, I was out! When I woke up he took me home. We had shared the perfect ending to the perfect night. I really miss him talking to me while I sleep:(

I love him.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency...
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on
So are you listening?
Are you watching me?
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on
We have an emergency
So are you listening?
Cause I can't pretend that I don't see this

Its really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it.

I've seen love die
Way too many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love
But you don't know what love is
I think we have an emergency
So are you listening
Cause I can't pretend that I don't see this

Its really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
So can we talk about it?

I've seen love die
Way too many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive

Your scars they will not, fade away.

No one cares to talk about it
So can we talk about it?

I've seen love die
Way to many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive.


Saturday, November 20, 2010

today has been a good day..

Despite all of the unnecessary, immature drama that has been going on, today I have had one of the best days. I'll admit i have had a moment or two. I spent most of the day home alone by myself so I've definitely had my alone time to think and cry and scream! After that, I felt so much relief. My tears instantly washed away and as weird as it sounds, I felt him, finally!!

I sat in bed and put on my paramore dvd that he got me as a "just because" surprise gift. The minute our song came on, I cried and laid there feeling so helpless and sorry for myself:/ then something wonderful came over me. I felt this chill enter me and my skin soon displayed goosebumps. It was like a sign of him saying "cheer up crazy face" just like he would always tell me whenever I was down in the dumps about something. I soon smiled and starting singing along. I was crying and laughing all at the same time but it was a happy cry, a really good well-needed cry! I jumped outta bed, cleaned up my room, took a warm shower and jumped into my warm sweats. I ate some food and watched movies all day. All thanks to him! The thought of him, helped me switch my whole day around.

Since everything has happened, I haven't had the chance to sit down and watch tv. Well, not that I haven't had the chance, but more like I choose not to. Today, watching tv felt very good. There were a bajillionnn movies on, my favorites I might add. Anytime I felt a wave of emotion trying to bring me down, it was like he pushed it away or something. Before the wave could take me in, a memory of him filled my head as if he was the one putting the memory in my brain for me.

I had a wonderful conversation with my big sister today as well. We cried and laughed together. We talked about school and work and family life. We talked about my adorable niece and nephew whom I love so very much. Tomorrow is my niece andrea's 4th birthday! I love my lil mamas. I remember the first day she learned how to say ronnies name:) anytime I was on the webcam skyping him, she'd walk over and with a biggg smile on her face and her adorable little finger pointing at him on the computer screen, she'd say "ronnie!!" Haha he was so determined to have her call him "uncle ronnie." Everytime I handed her the phone to talk to him, he'd repeat "uncle ronnie, uncle ronnie" she learned it! But then forgot again! Haha that's expected of a 4 year old though. I have a video of her saying his name that I sent to him. He couldn't wait to see her when he got back home. Next time I visit his grave, I'm going to try to take her with me so she can visit him too:) he knew how much I adore my niece and nephew. He loved them and told me to always give them a hug and kiss for him. I did everytime! My big sister listened to me talk today, I was actually able to vent to someone and not feel hesistant about saying anything. Our conversation kind of reminded me of my conversations I'd have with ronnie. He was the only one who understood me and sat there and allowed me to say anything and everything I felt on my heart at that moment. He never passed judgement or scolded me. He listened with both ears and his entire soul and gave me real thoughts and helped me overcome the obstacle I was facing at that moment. He cared, truly cared about my feelings, the same way I did with his. When it was either one of our times to speak, we listened whole heartedly and although we weren't physically near each other, we could still feel the hug we gave whenever we'd say " I'm there with you babe, can you feel me?".

My sister inspired me a lot today. She made me realize a lot and now, finally, I have found a new motivation. I'm not going to say what it is, but I will say you all shall find out what it is soon enough:) I am very excited. I know he would be very proud of me for finding courage and strength.I remember that time when he told me that its going to be us against the world. It brought a smile to my face. I also found a message where he told me to not care what people think. Only his opinion should matter to me and only what he thinks of me is the only thing that matters. I will live by this. I want to make him proud of me. I know I will and I can. That's why this new inspiration of mine is going to be for him and for us. He always told me to be strong and never to forget to help out those who need help bc "I may just need them one day". After my conversation with my sister, I went on youtube and played this song. Ronnie visited a friend in her dreams. He asked her if she could give me a message. He began singing this song to her and she told me what song it was that he wanted me to listen to. I listened to it today:) it brought on the tears again but I couldn't help but be happy. The words were beautiful and full of inspriation. The song was absolutely AMAZING. It brought comfort to my heart. I'm very greatful that she told me about her dream. She didn't have to share but she did anyway. If you are reading this, then thank you so much!:)

My new mission and goal in life is to be there for those who need and want my help and encouragement. As long as people will let me be there for them, then I will be. Just like he always used to say "I will always love you and be here for you, for as long as you let me vanessa.":)

I miss him:/ I love him so much. I can't wait to make him proud!

Friday, November 19, 2010

cold, rainy days..

Are so depressing:/

He was so excited to come home and enjoy the cold weather. We talked about going to the christmas lights together on thoroughbred like we did two christmases ago:/ we were supposed to make a trip to the snow and rent a cabin with our friends. I'm so sad:( I just wanna cry. But I can't. The tears are in me but won't come out anymore.

He was excited that afghanistan was beginning to get cold too bc it was his reminder that winter was coming and he would be coming home soon.

I miss him so much. All I want to do is talk to him, cry to him, and know that he will be there for me.whenever I was having a bad day, just hearing his voice brought me comfort. Now all I have are voicemails. I can repeat his exact words, that's how much I listen to them.

I love him so much.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

does anyone else find it weird that god planned out our lives even before we were planted as a seed in our mothers womb?

I just had a thought. I find it amazingly unbelievable that God created us even before our own parents did. Now, I can't speak much about the bible because I honestly don't know that much about it. Growing up I was raised to believe there was a God and he was the creator of all things, so therefore that's all I ever really knew. I went to church when I was little. Every sunday morning there I was, little vanessa eating her oatmeal and watching cartoons. Everytime my mom or dad came into my room, all u ever heard me do was complain. I hated going to church only because I hated being forced to go. That's exactly how it was. As a little kid, who wants to spend their morning in the house of God when there's cartoons to be watched? However, now that I'm older I enjoy going. Its something that I began looking forward to. But now, after everything that's happened, I'm right back to where I was years before and asking myself "what's the point?".

So now here I am, 20 years old, about to be 21 soon, and this strange thought came into my mind..."How can God already have our lives planned out?". It amazes me everytime I sit here and think about it.

Did he tell himself, "okay, there's going to be another human I'm going to create. She is going to be born on this day. Have this hair color, these eyes, these lips, this nose, and these ears. Her eyebrows will be shaped like this and her skin tone will be this color. She will be this tall and weigh this much. Her foot size will stop growing at 7 inches. She will laugh and talk this way. She will have this personality and have this much brains.she will succeed at this and this, and find herself at a stand-still when this event occurs in her life. She will be born into a huge family and have 1 brother and 2 sisters. Her father is gonna leave her life when she is 7 years old. She will have this fear and that fear. She will want to become a high school teacher and she'll be the one to help people be successful in life. She will hate this food and that food but love this food and that food. She will hate to run, yet love to hike. She will not be a tomboy but a girly girl. She will want this many kids. And grow up in a city called rancho cucamonga the first half of her life. She will be a student at carnelian elementary school where she will meet this friend and that friend and meet her best friend in kindergarten. She will then proceed to alta loma junior high and meet this friend and that friend, maybe lose this friend along the way. She will then become a student at alta loma high school and graduate with the same people she has known since the first day she was taught how to properly write. She will meet the love of her life when she is 16 years old, but she won't know he is the love of her life until she turns 18. She will then begin dating him and he will be the one to steal her heart. He will be the one to make her shed tears which will then cleanse her soul and make her strong. He will be the one she wants to marry and plan a life with. He will then be taken off this earth on october 23, 2010, a month before he is supposed to come home and ask her to marry him. She will then be so broken, that not even I(God) will be able to comfort her. She will then lose all faith and hope in life. Then after all is said and done, I will then put her faith and soul to the test... See if she can overcome the attempts that the devil will try to take to break her down. And last but not least, this new creature of mine will be named, vanessa."

Does God really have my life planned out like this? That's all I'm wanting to know.

Monday, November 15, 2010

i miss him...i am hurting so much right now. there are so many things i want to share and so many pictures i want people to see but it seems like whenever i post something everyone takes it..i just wanna keep these photos of him for myself..i don't wanna sound greedy but its true. these are all i have. they wouldn't be special if everyone had them too. same goes for my videos..i have many adorable ones of him but i don't wanna share haha i just wish people would look at them and not take them.. omgoshhh i am going crazy! i cant do this anymore. i just wanna hit something until it hurts just as much as i am. he will never know how much i miss him. i truly dont want my life to move forward. i just want to be wherever he is. so he can kiss me and make me feel safe like he used to:/ i love him so much. love is seriously an understatement. if he were here, he'd know exactly what i mean. him and i used to get in these moods where we missed each other so much that when we would say "i miss you so much" it wasnt fulfilling enough. we felt that longing for each other even more then before we said it hahah sounds confusing but at least i know he understands what im trying to say. same goes for "i love you". we felt so much more then that so that phrase never felt good enough.

i hope he visits me in my dreams tonight:( he hasnt in a while...

i will always miss cuddling with him on the couch...

and running my fingers through his hair while he falls asleep:(

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I've come to realize that it comforts me to read old messages and letters from ronnie. Even though it brings tears, it also brings comfort as well. I was just reading old text messages that I have saved from him on my old phone that I had last year. I found this text and thought I would share it. It made me cry when I read it. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when he sent this to me. I miss him so much. I love him more than anything or anyone. I know he loved me too. See for youself...

"I want to be with you. Its that simple. Not for just this deployment so I have someone waiting. After that, after I get out. When I'm a civilian again. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want us to argue about bills, what car to buy, what to do for vacation, what to watch on tv. Everything. I want you. I want you to feel loved, to feel how I feel about you. I screwed up way back when, but I promise you with all of my heart I've been straight up w you and that's how I'm going to be till forever." (Sent on December 26, 2009 at 10:59 AM) Three days before he left for afghanistan:(

I miss him:(

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I woke up frustrated and upset this morning. Once again, I didn't have a dream about him:( its like no matter how much I pray for one, he never comes. I'll admit, I'm starting to get envious of those people who have been dreaming about him. That's all I want is to see him again:( knowing ronnie, he won't come until I least expect it. He was always trying to surprise me, but never could bc he'd give away obvious clues all the time! Haha so now I believe this is the only way he can surprise me for the first time. Sucks that it has to be this way:( I miss him so much. Everyday I wake up, lay there in bed and it seems like it takes all of my strength to get up and get moving. Its a new day yet nothing has changed. I'm still broken, and feeling lost and alone:/ I love him so much. My heart is longing to be with him again.

Like him and I used to say to each other.. " I love you more today than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow". That's exactly how I feel:(
I can't believe this is true. My heart feels like its been ripped out of me. I feel like I have no one yet I have many people here for me. Still, they don't compare. No one can ever replace the hole that is left in my heart. I miss him so much. I've cried so much that its gotten to the point where I can no longer shed a single tear. My thoughts are twisted. I have so much going on inside. I am mad! So mad! I don't understand! Why? Why me? I have been nothing but a good person to people and so has he. Why us? Why couldn't we last forever? There are so many people in this world who don't deserve to have the life they do! They waste it by being mad at people! I just don't get it!

If you love someone, tell them! Don't waste a single minute! There's so many things I would have done differently. Now, its too late. Make it happen people! If there's someone you love and can't see yourself being without then tell them! Hug them, hold them, kiss them, squeeze them! Get married and start ur future together! Make babies and spend ur life devoting ur all to them! I will never get to experience that with ronnie! Ever! And it makes me pissed as hell! I was supposed to be his wife, the mother of his kids, his future, his everything. Now that he's gone, I can't have any of that. No one knows how I'm feeling. The thoughts and emotions I'm experiencing. I truly feel like my life is worth nothing without him. I don't ever see myself being able to go on. How can I? I don't want to even if I could. I miss him so much. All I have left are my memories. My pictures, my letters, my text messages, my voicemails, my videos, my ring. My ring is all I have to remind me that he did want to spend his future with me. I look down at my hand and fall apart. Its just my promise ring he gave me. He asked me to send him a picture of the wedding ring I would want bc he wanted to buy it when he came home. I never got around to sending it. I found the one I wanted, three days before he died. He never got to actually see it:( my heart is broken.

We were supposed to have a backyard wedding:) I told him that I didn't care who was there, I wanted everyone and their mamas there! I never understood why ppl set restrictions on their wedding day. Some are only for adults only! Wtf! A wedding is a celebration, for everyone!!! I wanted cows chickens pigs roosters there! Everyone!! We talked about it a lot actually. My sister was going to be my maid of honor. my younger sister, best friends erica, ashlee, heather, and natalie were going to be my bridesmaids. He wanted his brother danny to be his best man. He wanted his grandpa and uncles vince, and ricky to be his groomsmen as well as his best friend justin. He was so excited whenever we would talk about it. We wanted my niece and his lil sisters titi and priscilla to be the flower girls:) and my nephew and his lil brothers to be the ring barriers. My brothers art and richard were going to give me away:(my dreams are crushed!

For food, ronnie wanted the taco man! Haha as long as chicken was there he was happy.:) we wanted a summer wedding. Like july, august. We wanted to get married once he was out of the army:/ he planned to ask me this coming january. He told me he was going to do it, but wouldn't tell me where or when. All I know is he talked about it quite often and everytime he did, he spoke with such excitement and anticipation.

While he was in afghanistan he called me and we stayed up late one night on the phone. I had school the next day but didn't care. I loved every minute I had to talk to him. We sat up making a list of names for what to name our kids. He wanted a boy really bad. I would always joke with him and say " okay so SHE is going to be the cutest thing ever!" And he'd be like " huh, you mean HE! Yes, HE will be the cutest!" Haha secretly I wanted a boy first too but always gave him a hard time about it. If I remember correctly he liked the name adrian for a boy. I liked anthony or andrew. For girls, there were so many names! I can't even remember any he really really liked. All I remember is him saying " we're gonna lock her up until she's thrity babe" haha he was so cute.we always talked about our future. He promised me that he would be coming home. He couldn't wait for it all:(

I miss him so much. I will hold these memories and conversations I had with him, close to my heart. No one can ever take them away from me. And no one can ever have what him and I had. I am very lucky.

I love him. Like he would always say " forever and seven days babe". Then he'd just smile:)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I hate how life gets to go on, yet my life is stuck where its at right now. There's no moving back or forth, no matter how much I wish I could change it.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Eating spaghetti and watching the laker game... You should be here right now.

I love you..

Saturday, October 30, 2010

So things are still very hard, but day by day its getting a little more easier to face. Its saturday which means tomorrow is the day I have to really get strong so I can attempt to go back to school this week. My professors are counting on me to be there and finish off the semester strong. I'm supposed to be graduating chaffey in may 2011, so I only have a little way to go. Ronnie was going to see me graduate:( there's no one else I would rather have there then him. I know he will be present with me that day, sitting in the stands smiling at me in spirit. Everyone says I have to make him proud. I know its what he wanted. One of our last conversations we were talking about school. I was having this dilemma about what I should do about my schedule, I remember he told me to stick it out, and work my ass off. He told me as much as he hates to say this military phrase, I have to learn to "adapt and overcome". Meaning, make any situation I am given work out, and then conquer it. I loved when he'd give such great advice. He was always motivating and encouraging.
He wanted to go back to school when he was out of the army. He either said go for an english degree to be a teacher, just like me:), or a business degree or a degree in journalism so he can be a writer. I thought it was a great plan for him. He asked me if I could help him and I remember laughing bc I knew he didn't even have to ask, I would have done it anyway. He even joked about me finishing his homework for him while he sits back, relaxes and watches tv or eats something. I'd always respond by saying huh that's what I'm gonna be doing while YOU finish YOUR homework:) then he'd just laugh his adorable laugh and I couldn't help but smile.
I always talked about how I couldn't wait to be his wife and complete my everyday tasks that wives do for their husbands. We always said we'd meet for lunch during our lunch breaks or I'd make dinner every night and we'd hardly go out to eat only for special days. I wanted to learn how to make his favorite meals, chicken and rice pilaf comes to mind. I know how to do the chicken but I told him I would ask his grandma to teach me how to make his rice. He was picky when it came to food, but so am I. He loves spaghetti but the kind with sauce that has no meat. He can eat chicken whenever, wherever as long as its chicken. On thanksgiving he didn't care for much of the food which meant I wouldn't have to slave over a hot stove all day. Even if I had to, I still wouldn't mind bc I loved the idea of feeding my babes stomach and making him happy to call me his wife.he only likes cake without frosting. He loved apple juice, mountain dew, and starbucks coffee in the glass bottles. It hurts me to know that I won't be able to pack him a lunch for work or school and slip a note in there for him to read:( I miss him. All I have left are these thoughts and memories. I'm blessed to even have at least those.
I remember the day of our first kiss. It was the summer of 2007. I was working at a dental office as an administrative assistant and he went to summer school. After school he walked to my work almost everyday and would bring me something to eat:) I remember one of those days, ashlee and I had to work in a different building to file away old charts and clean up the storage room. We used to call it "the dungeon" bc it was dark inside and you had to climb a million stairs just to get to the back door where we stayed working in there that entire summer. The only time we went back down to the main office which was on the opposite side of that building was for water or to grab something we needed. Ronnie visited this particular day and I will never forget it. He just pulled me close to him, put his arms around my waist, leaned in and kissed me. It was so funny bc ashlee walked in and walked back out haha it was a wonderful kiss:) we talked about it all the time. Not too long ago, I wanna say about 3 weeks ago, we just talked about that day. He made me so happy even way back then.
As you can probably tell,I have so many stories. I will share a lot more, I promise. So if u care to hear more then just wait. If there's anything u want to know and want me to explain, then ask me. Send me a message on FB and I will be happy to share my memories of him.
I love him with all my heart. My plan is to make him proud of me.I will accomplish most of my dreams because of him. He will always be my inspiration.

I love you ronnie.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

i think im ready..

To finally post something.

The love of my life: ronnie joseph pallares was killed on saturday october 23, 2010 at 3:00 am (from what I've been told). The last thing he was doing was laughing and smiling as he walked side by side with cruz vasquez. He was telling him about our camping trip we had planned for when he returned home in january. We planned to rent a cabin with our friends and spend the weekend just getting away from everything and everyone so we could finally spend our deserved time together. I was able to speak to cruz. He called me tuesday morning and told me exactly what happened.I was given peace of mind to find out that my handsome guy died instantly, free of pain and suffering. I miss him so much. Words can't even describe the way I feel. I'm so angry, hurt, broken. My heart needs him in order for it to be complete. Ronnie and I were meant to be,I just know it.no matter what we did or said to eachother, we could never stay mad even if we wanted. This should have never happened. I literally just talked to him, sending him off the phone that morning with "I love you babe, be safe and have a careful mission today, call me when you get back, I love you chubb" and then boom, he's gone. No one to talk to or answer my calls. That morning I had this horrible feeling and I knew something was wrong. When he wasn't answering my calls, I just knew. That saturday afternoon as I'm walking out of the grocery store, the call that I never expected to get, I got. "Vanessa, ronnies dead". In that instant, I froze. My body, mind, was stopped at that moment. All I kept saying was " no, I don't believe it". The moment I saw and heard my mom cry out, it was then when I knew my life just changed. I was in shock. I went through different emotions that first day. I wouldn't eat or sleep or talk to anyone bc I was so mad at God for doing this to me and his friends and family.I literally got sick. The thought of it made my stomach jump.it was the worst feeling in the entire world.
So here I am now, just me. I feel very lonely and stressed out. How do I keep going from here? What everyone seems to forget is, ronnie was my love. He was supposed to be the guy I was going to marry. We talked about our future and made plans. Real plans and goals.if only people could hear just how excited he got whenever we talked about it.it doesn't matter now bc I will never have any of that with him. And it breaks my heart and tears me up inside.one of the last conversations I had with him, we were talking about that. I can still hear his voice and everything he said to me. He was an amazing guy with such a powerful voice that everyone cared to listen to, especially me. The thing that instantly attracted me to him beyond his adorable, handsome face, was the way he could articulate his words and form these strong, powerful sentences. I miss that. I wish I could still hear his speeches:(
He was always so giving and loving. He loved his friends and family with his entire heart. His brother danny ray was his best friend. He loved him very much. He always talked about his mom. How strong of a woman she is and how truly proud he is of her and her accomplishments.he knew his mom was a woman who worked hard, he appreciated her for that. He loved his entire family and had stories for each of them as well as nicknames. He loved his friends and loved telling me stories about them from the past few years. One story he was very fond of was when him and the guys would share laughs in math class or play football together every friday after school. Everyone has shared at least a story or two with ronnie. We are all very fortunate to have had him in our lives.all I want is to hear his voice, but all I have left are voicemails or little clips of him sending me videos on the webcam, to listen to.
Ronnie and I met back in our junior year of high school. I knew who he was a lot earlier then that, but junior year is when I actually met him and talked to him. We had a class together, and if it wasn't for him walking over and sitting next to me, I don't know what would have happened. I'm so glad he did sit next to me. There's times where u have people in a class whom u hardly talk to. Ronnie was so mean to me in the beginning, but in a weird way, I liked it. He was interesting and fun to talk to. The first time we ever hung out outside of school was when we had went to the park to film a video for class. Once everyone left he stayed with me so I wouldn't be alone in the dark. I remember we had a talk about music and school. He always made me laugh. I'd get kind of embarassed to be honest just because I have this uncontrollable laugh sometimes that sounds really weird haha but if I would have known how much he would turn out to adore it, I wouldn't have been so hesitant to express it.
The summer of 2007, right before senior year, we liked each other and let it be known, finally! We spent hours on the phone and stayed up late all summer long until one day he was grounded for the phone bill. His grandma was very upset with the bill he ran up:/oops! Lol calls were to a minimum but visits, happened all the time! I didn't live very far from him driving distance, but walking, that's a different story.yes, he walked to my house just to see me and bring me letters and cd's. He would tell me I couldn't read or listen to then until after he was no where in sight. After he'd leave, I'd reach for those letters and read them over and over again. I still have them all as well as that cd he made for me with songs that he dedicated to me. I love reading them because they bring comfort to my now, broken heart.time went on, and we went our seperate ways. We both had someone new, but those feelings for each other never went away. As the end of senior year came near, graduation was slowly but surely approaching. Everyone was making their plans on where they were going to go to school or do with their lives after high school.I remember the day he told me he was going to the army. That was the day, I knew what had to be done.
I confessed my love for him, and in return, he confessed his too. We spent a lot of time together the week before he left, I will never forget those times. I saw him his last day. Spent time at his house talking to him, watching him play basketball with marquis, justin, and his brother. When it was time to say goodbye, I couldn't cry bc I knew I'd see him again.we wrote each other letters and he sent me things. I wrote him a letter everyday. When he finally returned home in december 2008, I went with his mom and brother to go pick him up from the airport. The smile on his face will stay with me everyday.
On december 12, 2008 at around 11 PM he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was at this time where he gave me my "proud army girlfriend" sweatshirt and a poem for me to read. I loved it. From that day on, everyday I fell more in love with him.
As perfect as things may seem, we had our moments. But we learned to overcome them and accept some things. He flew me out twice to go visit him in north carolina. My first plane ride and first time out of california was to go see him:) those 4 day weekends with him were so much fun. We got used to this cycle of seeing each other and then not seeing each other. But phone calls were always possible. Although he was 1000s of miles away, we made it work bc that's what two people do when they're in love; make any situation work.
We celebrated our one year anniversary apart:( we both went and got pizza, rented the same movie and watched it together while holding the phone to our ears and saying "hey babe, I love you" in between parts of the movie. We always did that. Whenever one of us would be eating something the other would go get the same exact thing and be eating it too:)
Ronnie and I shared so many other things, but that list will go on forever and truly make me cry. I miss him. Ronnie was the only person who knew about this blog. He read it everyday, but now that many of you know about what tragic situation occurred, I'm ready to share this with you. If you love ronnie, his family, his friends and his fiancee(yes, I am his fiancee) then continue sharing his memories. Tell the world what you know about ronnie. Pray and stay strong. Don't lose contact with those you love. Always tell someone you love them bc u never know when it'll be too late. That's honestly one thing that gives me peace... I know ronnie left this earth peaceful and content. Everyday I wished him a good, safe day and never forgot to tell him I loved him. My baby is gone and never coming back but what gives me a peaceful thought is knowing he no longer has to suffer or see ugly horrible things occur around him. He can now rest and even though I may not understand why god took him, I still want to thank him for keeping him and welcoming him home.
I love you ronnie joseph pallares:) your family is now my family. They accepted me and my family has accepted you. We accomplished the one thing we first wanted to:) I love you babe. RIP chubb.

Now, time for my tattoo and candle light vigil for my love:) see everyone tonight.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

These are the nights that remind me why I didn't want to stick around and wait.

I hate this.

Loneliness, dissapointment.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

God, please take away these crazy thoughts. I don't like them:/

Sunday, October 17, 2010

rainy days..

Are the best days to sit home, lay on ur bed curled up in a blanket, and listen to music.

Currently listening to jars of clay: I want to fall in love with you.

I want this song to play at my wedding:)

I want a variety of music actually. I was thinking.. During the dinner part I was slow relaxing music with instrumentals and everything. Then for the dance part I want everything! I was some old jams, mid jams, and new jams:) haha I can't wait for that day. It will be the happiest day of my life.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I miss my ronnie. I can't wait to kiss him. I love him so much that its hurting me inside being this far away from him for so long.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I couldn't be any happier right now. Finally, we're making moves. I'm so happy to be with him again. I'm determined to give this last shot all that I've got! I love him. Opportunities like this hardly ever come, so I need to cherish every moment I have. I never know when it will be my last. I love him with all of my heart. This is it! So bring it on!

Monday, October 4, 2010

tonight blows.

I'm trying to fall asleep but considering the long nap I took today, its hard for me to. I can't not being able to sleep. Forces me to lay here in bed..thinking:/

Saturday, October 2, 2010

im getting lots of practice. babysitting my niece and nephew over night:/ a little nervous to be doing it alone but heyy i have to practice somehow! i cant wait to be doing this for real. i think i will make a great mom:)

Thursday, September 30, 2010


I must say.. This week has been amazing!
I don't think there has been one day where I've been unhappy. Sure, a few nights I would be sad bc I miss him so much but I never left it affect my mood. I was in such an awesome mood all week! It was never changing! Considering I was tired and hardly got enough sleep, you'd think I would be grouchy, but I wasn't! Everytime I heard his voice, it just made me so happy.
Today he got promoted! That's amazing news:) I'm so happy for him. Whatt an accomplishment! I tell ya, he is so amazing. He's brave and strong. Not to mention he's sexy handsome and all mine! I miss and love him very much. You know what else..

I'm gonna have his babies one day:)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


My heart is broken.
I'm completely lost without you here.the little things people take for granted upset me, especially the fact that they are able to see the person they love everyday and yet here I am waiting:( I miss him so much. It hurts me, makes me cry. I'm in a depressed mood right now. Nothing else to do but lay here and feel sorry for myself. Believe it or not, it helps make me feel better:/

I love you.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

now my time is limited??

It started with me being important. Feeling important and valued. It was almost too good to be true. Lately I've been so lonely;so confused. This isn't the way I want things to be. I'll just wait around and see.why does that have to always happen? Why when u finally get ur way, you forget to appreciate what u have? U forget about all the hard times and depressing times you went through when u were without that person. Once u get them back, right where u want and need them, that eagerness and importance for them goes away. At least that's how I see it:/

Test tomorrow morning then another test later on in the day. Did a little studying but too tired to care right now. Nite.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

no matter how much i try..

I can't find the right words.

I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you.

One week down, I think 13 more to go. Even tho I can't see u until january 8th, which means longer then 13 weeks..I still wanna keep it 13:)

I love you rjp.

never will i ever

Drink another rockstar under any circumstances! no ifs ands or buts about. All I gotta say is yuckkkk!

Friday, September 17, 2010

I love how I can laugh hysterically with him and I'm not embarrassed to let him hear it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


guess its true what people say, stress can cause alot of mess to happen. weird appetites, like never being hungry and then when u are, you devour everything in sight. you randomly feel sick when two minutes before you were feeling fine. it also causes u to become very sleepy:/ yesterday i was reading a book in the library and fell asleep for like a minute. i woke up bc my head lost its support and came crashing down lol it was funny but kinda embarrassing lol. anyway im stressed out about homework. guess i better go do some now.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I wonder if she got hers too?

:/ uhhh.I hate this.
He makes me feel safe, even though he's a world away:/ I miss him terribly, and u better believe I am counting down the days until he is back. I decided to count how many weeks I have until mid december bc I figure that's when he's supposed to be back.looks like 14 weeks counting this one:/ after every weekend I am going to cross it off my calendar:) I can't wait to get to week 2 or even 3! To be that close to seeing him, is going to be the greatest feeling. I know I probably won't be seeing him until sometime in january but that's okay. As long as he's back from over there, I'll be just as happy:) I love him and miss him so much.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Today is 9/11. I'll admit, I am so sad. In tears:(
When I was younger I didn't realize what any of this meant. I was just a little sixth grader getting ready for school one morning. Brushing my teeth,I remember seeing the tv screen filled with flames and smoke.I remember it like it was yesterday. So scary.
Now that I'm older and wiser, I realize a lot more. My 20 year old mind has more knowledge of what's going on around me compared to my little 11 year old mind. I hate this stupid war. I'm so angry with what's going on. I can't speak politics bc honestly I wouldn't know what I'm talking about but all I know is people have lost their lives bc of this.
Not to mention ronnie being a part of it. Risking his life being around those crazy bastards everyday and for what?? This is never going to stop. Just bring him home already. Give him and the other men and women a chance to start their lives. He's so young, hasn't even had a chance to start his life with me. If something ever happened, I swear I would truly hate this world. I thank god for him everyday. He's so brave. I've never met anyone like him before. I'm so thankful he's in my life again. I love him so much. I worry about him everyday. It kills me knowing that the only reason we are apart is because of all of this. Why did he have to leave? Why couldn't he just be here with me.
I love you so much. Thank you for all that u are doing. You are so strong and so brave. I can't wait to marry you ronnie. Please be safe. And once again thank you baby for everything ur risking just to make sure these people, who don't even deserve it most of the time, can have a safe world to live in. When you come back from hell, I'll make sure you have a life as perfect as heaven.
I love you.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Life is a trip!
Just two minutes ago I was dead tired. My eyes were droopy and slowly closing. Then all of a sudden my phone started vibrating. It was a text. The text was my horoscope.I signed up for the daily horoscopes so then I can get one sent to my phone everyday. They come at midnight every day but not once has one really touched me.until tonight.
My horoscope for wednesday september 8th says the following: "someone far away is thinking about you--missing you.pick up the phone." Crazy huh!
Wow! I'm so happy right now. I hope its true. I pray its true.
Anyway I'm really tired now:/

I love you..

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


Those stupid army strong commercials still make me sad:(
I read what she said. If she's talking about him, I'm done. she unfortunately was part of my past, but now will not be a part of my future. I promise.

I'm taking a chance with this bc my heart is telling me. I'm hoping it won't do me wrong to follow it.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Wow. Is she still really in the picture?hmm.. Old habits never die. Well, I'm not gonna stand here and wait for ppl to make up their minds. I'm gonna go out and have fun. Maybe meet someone interesting:)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

So I'm kinda upset right now. I had a really interesting dream. It felt so real. When I woke up, I was happy to be dreaming. All I remember was running, and ending no where. I'm curious to know how it ended. Did I die from those gang members chasing me or did I find a good enough hiding place for them to just give up on looking for me? Hmmm... I really hate it how some of my dreams never end and leave me wondering what happened. I wish I could know or at least close my eyes and pick up right where it last left off. Wouldn't that be crazy if everyone could alter the ending to our dream? That would be so very cool..now I lay here in my bed, contemplating whether or not I should call. I went to bed sad last night bc of what was said. If there's other girls, then why can't there be other boys? Just doesn't seem right. Maybe I'm way in over my head with everything. I don't like the immediate insecure feeling I got from our conversation last night. Why would his friend ask if he was talking to chelsea? Really? Maybe I do need some time to really think about this. If someone comes along the way and I find interesting, then why not give it a chance? I can't keep feeling like this with him. It brings back way too many old thoughts and feelings. So many questions unanswered. I don't even think its worth asking. Who knows if the answer will be true or not..looks like I have a lot on my plate right now. Like I said, the only solution would be to give it time. Time will tell, where I'll end up:/

Friday, September 3, 2010


Titanic is on! I love this movie. Its the cutest movie. But its so sad. I cry everytime I see it:( but I love watching it:) makes me miss him even more.I love you.

"Is anybody alive out thereeeee??!" :) favorite part.


I'm not gonna lie. I find him very interesting...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


"I remember the love, right after the fights. You can't tell me you don't remember those nights" :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

I hate how this happens. I'm doing good in my life, and its like they know or something. They come waltzing back into your life and make you second guess everything. Am I doing the right thing? Did I do the right thing? I was happy, so happy with him. Why give things up? Why is it so hard for people to trust or tell the truth? Why do people leave the ones they like for the ones they love? My brain hurts. I'm thinking too much about this. Its been over a week now.. I almost wish it never happened. Where would I be? What would I be? Who would I be?I have so much to work out and straighten up. I miss a lot of things:/ but sometimes u have to learn to let them all go. I'm craving that attention again. That feeling of being truly loved as well as adored.will I ever have that again? Will I ever be with someone who treated me as good as him?:/ depressing thought. I'm not gonna lie..


That horrible pain is back in my stomach:( I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I'm worried now. I told my mom what was going on bc I couldn't take it anymore. The pain grew and intensified:/ she joked about me possibly being prego. I didn't think that was funny at all. It actually made me more worried. But I know its not that. I think there's honestly something wrong with me:( time to go get this checked out:( I'm scared. What if they tell me something I don't wanna hear??:(

Sunday, August 29, 2010

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I'm happy, happy, happy. My life finally feels like its right where it supposed to be. I'm smiling for absolutely no reason right now. Even though I have a few negative thoughts running through my brain that are making me sad, nothing can bring me down right now. I love the way things are right now except the fact that I'm still sick. But other than that, I love everything at this very moment.I love my family, my friends, and him:) I'm excited for this week even though I have nothing planned. I guess I'm just happy to get it over with so I can knock off one more week on my calendar. I can't wait to see him again. I miss him so much and I am so happy that he's still in my life. God, has truly blessed us and has given us one more time to make it. So its up to us to make it last. Third times a charm:) I just found my faith. Lost it along the way, so I'm happy its finally back.
Almost done with my homework. Is it almost 4:30 yet? I can't wait to hear his voice:)

I love you.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Okay okay.. So I just have to admit..I miss him. So much. That it hurts to think about all the time that has to go by before I will ever see him again. The song "tik tok" by kesha just came on and it made me think of him. I remember when I went to visit him in december, I made him listen to that song. And his friend played it in his truck for me and both of them just looked at me like I was crazy! Haha aww I get buuterflies just thinking about those times when I would fly out to see him. I remember the first time was scary:( second time was not so bad except for when I thought I was gonna have to stay over night in the airport by myself:( uhh I don't know what I would have done:/ I was happy when everything worked out tho. I miss him:( regardless of everything that's happened, I know it made us stronger. My love for him has grown so much. This time spent apart was for the better I think. It was hard, but at the same time it was easy. I'm just glad we're both wanting this again, and this time it will last. I don't care what anyone says, all I know is I think its worth it, he thinks its worth it, so we'll make it work. I feel that this time around it has to be about compromise, and honesty. I think we have to consider each others feelings more this time. Its no longer just about me, its about him too. Aww:) I'm so happy.I love being in love♥

ohh geeze..

Its 4:30 in the morning and I feel like S***. :( I have to wake up in about 2 1/2 hours for math class. Should I stay home and email my teacher telling him how sick I feel or should I just suck it up and go?
I think I like the first idea:) I just have to promise not to get in the habit of not going every week.okayyyy I promise:) haha

Friday, August 27, 2010

who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?

I hate being sick for the simple fact that I'm stuck right here, forced to lay in my bed. My body aches and all systems shut down. One minute I feel energy, then the next its gone. Picking up my head or adjusting my pillows takes so much out of me.I hate the feeling of being trapped. That's exactly how I feel, trapped in my room.I'm downing my body with cranberry juice and water, not really sure if that's going to help. But the idea of it making me recover faster, brings comfort to my heart. My brother and younger sister brought me food earlier and it made my day. My sister picked a rose for me and brought it to my room in a vase. Makes me smile just looking at it and even though by tomorrow it will be dead, its still beautiful while it lasts.the little thoughts are what count the most to me.I have to be honest, my heart is broken.one minute it was alive just like that rose, but since all beautiful things can't last forever, it died. I'm confused with everything. I don't even know what it is I want anymore or what its going to take for me to figure it out again. I hate how strong I am and then how weak I suddenly become. It always happens in an instant. I went to bed angry. Furious at the world bc I can never feel the way I want to. But when I woke up this morning, things were different. Its hard for me to adjust. To go from being lied to, to not being lied to, to being lied to again, is hard. As much as I hate thinking about him, my ex bf was really good at making me feel secure. That guy had so many opportunities to lie, but never did. And if he did, then he was damn good at hiding it. Everything he ever said turned out to be the truth even tho I had a hard time believing it. He always proved me wrong. I remember I had this feeling in my gut like I was being lied to. So, me being paranoid and caring about being hurt too much, I decided to check it out.I hate saying this but I snooped through his phone ONE TIME while he was asleep. That was the last time I had ever done that because I realized there was no need for it to happen again. I found, nothing. In every text he would receive or send out, it was either talking great things about me or not saying anything that pertained to me at all. I even found a few texts from this girl. She was his best friend back home and they even dated a few months in the past. I was scared to read them but knew if I didn't then I would drive myself crazy just thinking about it. To my surprise, it was all good. He had took the liberty of going out of his way to tell her that since he was with me, they could no longer be close. To my surprise, she agreed. She was very respectful and not once said anything negative towards me. She never talked bad about me or called me hurtful things like a "manipulating bitch".I wish every guy could treat his gf how he did to me with that whole situation. I even had the chance to meet her and hang out with her when he took me back home with him to meet his family.It was nice to know that he didn't tell her that bc I had asked him to or forced him, he did it because he wanted to. Bc he knew I was important enough, more important than her. It was even nicer that she agreed too bc she then knew her place in his life.it wasn't I who had to tell her, just by him taking it upon himself, gave it all away. There were times where he would do a lot of those things without me even having to ask him. He would always talk about me, even when ppl would ask a simple question that had nothing to do with me. He always brought me in on whatever the conversation was. He was proud to show me off to his friends and family. After he made me his gf, he switched everything and made it all about me. I had never had that before. In the past,It seemed like it would take months or even me asking for them to change things.I just want to have that secure, confident feeling again. But not with him. I just want to feel beautiful again and important. I wanna be first in a persons life again and have things done for me because someone wants me to be happy. I don't ever wanna feel insecure with myself bc I know who I am and I know what I have to offer. He knew exactly what he had. He reminded me everyday. Even if he didn't speak it, he showed it. I know towards the end, things just got crazy, but in the beginning everything was great. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Like I said, I don't even want to think about him.I just feel like remembering is the only comfort I have right now. That one point in my life, someone picked me up and carried me around on a pedistool.I want that again. This time, I want him picked up and carried around with me. I admit I have a lot of things I need to change about myself, but why do that if there's no guarantee it will even be worth it. Just scared of the unknown.and my biggest fear this time around is being lied to, once again.I would hate to be with someone who can lie to me. Especially since I know I'm capable of finding someone who is nothing but honest with me from the start.I finally felt what it was like to trust someone with my heart and soul, why would I want to turn back now and have the exact opposite? I think I'm worthly of the truth always, don't you?
Fuck tears. I hate crying. I'd rather take 50 drowsy pills before I allow myself to go to sleep crying.goodnight.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


So I'm watching tv and I just heard this...
"If its on paper, then its the truth"
Is that really true? If u think about it, I think that statement is true. If someone can write something down on paper, either hand write or type it up and give it to someone,then I think most of it is the truth. When people write things, most of them are in this state of mind where their main focus is on whatever it is they are writing about. Like for instance right now, how I'm typing this. My focus is on this right now. I'm trying to express myself and my thoughts on what I just heard. Everything I'm saying is true. So therefore, I believe that "if its on paper, its true" or partially sometimes. Idk why I decided to write about this and maybe I don't even make sense but I just had to let that out.
What do you think? Do u think if its on paper, then its the truth?
I hate how hard it is to open up a lil pack of medicine. When the pills are wrapped in those plastic things with the paper on the back. It tells u to fold along a crease then pull, and when u do that the paper either rips a wrong way or it doesn't end up working. Your forced to pry the pills outta this thing. I don't even know what to call it so that's why I keep saying "thing". Uhh I'm very irritable today. I have a horrible headache. My body is freezing yet my head is extremely warm, not to mention its like over 100 degrees outside already! At least its cold in my room:) so I was supposed to go to my earth science class today but since I feel really sick, guess looking at rocks and diamonds will just have to wait till next weekend! I woke up this morning excited to see my niece and nephew. But when I got to my sisters they both were sleeping. Ben was asleep in his crib with his lil hand in his pants and andrea looked so peaceful except for the tissue sticking outta her nose:/ my poor lil princess had a bloody nose at like 5 in the morning. She gets scared and thinks that she has to continue to sleep with tissue even tho the bleeding has stopped. She's so cute:) so there I was, headache and all, forcing myself to eat a bowl of cereal which actually turned out to be delicious. I tried signing onto my skype account so I could see his face today, then finally after several different attempts I remembered my login information. He wasn't online tho:/ lameee. Then I decided to check out the price of my math book I have to buy to see how much it is. 149! You've gotta be kidding me! You know how many pairs of shoes I can buy with that money! Ughhh I can't believe it! Then just when I thought things couldn't get anymore worse for me, my sister comes out and tells me I can go home. She gave me the day off, but I still had to wake up from my beauty sleep earlier, go to her house, and then have her finally tell me I can leave! Uhhh!:/ I'm so tired. I hate feeling like poo!I also hate bitching but since I have a great enough reason, shoot why not! Now I'm here laying in bed all alone. Coughing up my lungs, wiping the nasty boogers from my nose and feeling like I'm on a bad roller coaster ride where I keep bumping my head against the rail. All I'm feeling up there is booom boooom boooom!:( no ones home and I feel so alone. Then aain I am. Haha I hate being sick. I'm hungry but then I'm not. I'm just a really confused individual right now. I took some drowsy medicine. Probably shouldn't have but it was the only way that I could put myself outta misery! They say the best cure for sickness is sleep! Efff those fluids the docs always drill you about! I probably should drink some more tho, I am feeling mighty thristy! I'm hoping to take a longgg nap, wake up eat, and then nap again! Thank god I don't have school tomorrow or work! If I'm sick tomorrow then no big deal. Sucks that I'll be wasting a perfectly good friday, but ohh well! I could really use the break and excuse to lay down in bed all day.its nice being waited on and take care of when I'm sick, that's why right now sucks bc no ones here to answer any of my requests:/lame!anyway I've babbled enough. Time to watch some tv and hopefully get really sleepy.ohh my dear lifetime, what would I do without you:)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

carter twins-heart like memphis:)

"she sleeps with the tv on
Wakes up dreaming he came home
Won't lay on his side of the bed
Too many memories in her head
No one knows
When she cries
All alone in the night
They just think she's alright
Cause she's got a smile like california
She's got a spirit like new orleans
Eyes like the lights of new york city
Cool as a carolina breeze
But underneath she's got a heart like memphis
She puts on a new dress
She goes out
She turns all the boys heads
That's as close as they get
As they're ever gonna get"

Just came on my ipod as I lay here trying to fall asleep:)I love this song.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Finally got the email I've been so desperately waiting for. I woke from a nap to find an email in my inbox. As I clicked on the mailbox icon on my phone, my heart dropped. My stomach fell and a smile appeared on my face. An email from him. Who would have known something so little could give me anxiety within seconds. It was everything I wanted and more. Just to hear what he had to say and knowing it was him who was saying it, made that email so great.I can't wait to get another one again! I'm hoping it will happen when I'm having a bad moment or something so then the minute it comes, the bad can get washed away.I'm so happy right now. Not even words can describe. The only other person who knows how I'm feeling right now is God. Just God and I:)

wow! amazing.

I find it amazing how you think you know a person. Turns out you sometimes don't. You can spend every minute of your spare time with them, but they can still turn out to be a weirdo.from my past relationships, mutual friends have always been a problem. Whenever a guy and I would break up, he'd still talk to my friends bc they were both mine and his. I thought it was a good thing that my last boyfriend didn't know any of my friends so then his friends could stay his and mine could stay mine.bad thought. Turns out him not knowing anyone was kinda a bad thing bc the only one who knew him was me. there were a lot of signs i did not see. i began noticing them just this past month. we weren't together very long, it turned 2 months on august 18th. i felt held down and controlled. at first i thought it was me, being paranoid or something bc i have those natural instincts, but no. turns out i was right. i found myself drifting from my friends and staying in on the weekends. my social life had fallen and the only other person i had was him. whenever i'd ask him to take me out, it turned into an argument. an argument about why i always have to go out. how am i always going out if i'm staying in all the time? it just made no sense. even when we would go out, an argument would happen bc i wasn't showing him enough attention around my friends or whatever guy friend i hugged was all of a sudden my new "secretive boyfriend" or something. it makes me sick to even think that i wasted so much time explaining myself. i wasn't even doing anything wrong. sure we had some really great times. he treated me good for the most part but im telling you, things started becoming weird. it was almost like an obsession. i don't know how else to describe it. when i first met him, he wasn't the jealous type at all. i could seriously dance at a club with a random dude with him five feet away. the reason i know this is bc i did already. he was fine. but as our relationship progressed, his jealousy came out. it honestly scared me. i decided to take some time for myself now. i realized that whenever he would say he loved me, it just freaked me out. i cared about him but i was never in love with him. i can honestly say that i have been in love 2 times before. the first time to was a boy my freshmen and sophomore year of high school and second was recently to my ex boyfriend. i'm telling you, a person knows whenever another person isn't right. there was definitely something going on up there in his mind. when i broke things off, instead of him handling things maturely, i soon saw the complete opposite.he started telling people how easy i was to get over yet a few minutes before then he had called me crying and begging for another chance. i was like...wow dude. i thought he was very mature for his age. that's one of the things i really liked about him when we first met. but once again, i was wrong. its just really sad that people pretend to be something their not. i had to be honest with myself as well as with him. i told him i was still in love with my ex. he had a fit. at least he knows the truth though right? i felt bad at first but now i know i made the right choice. like i said...it had just turned two months and look how he was getting with me already...becoming jealous and cursing up a storm at me. imagine what it would have been like to break things off with him a year or so later? i'm thankful i saw the signs now rather than later...the only advice i can give someone based off of my experience with this situation is to really get to know the person you are with before you start bringing them around to meet your family and your friends.


I've never checked my email this many times before.I have a blackberry and even though my email account is set up so that whenever I get a new email it will send it directly to my phone, I still feel like I should double check, just in case my stupid phone doesn't notify me. I'm so anxious. I get nervous just thinking about what the email will say. Will he admit he misses me? Will he tell me he loves me still? Will he still want me after everything I put him through over the past 4 months? Even after the year and a half of our relationship? As I lay here, still and quiet in my bed wrapped in my blankets, I wonder where he is right now and what he is doing. Have I crossed his mind at all today? If so, how long did it stay in his mind, and how often did the thought of me come? What is it he thought about if he did think about me. I have so many thoughts yet they only seem to come into my mind whenever I lay here alone. My room is cold, yet the empty and nervous feeling leaves my body in a sweat which makes up for it.I wish I could fall asleep but I think this is gods way of punishing me. He wants me to lay and have these ideas and thoughts rot my mind.I literally feel like an apple being invaded my hundreds maybe even thousands of ants. My brain is the apple and these questions are the ants overlapping my mind and consuming my thoughts. I'm lost for words. All I know is..I wish you were here. I pray that whatever my future brings, you will be the center of it and I will be the center of yours too.

Monday, August 23, 2010

this very minute

I am driving in the car listening to drop the world by Lil wayne and eminem and a thought came to mind.. Life can end any minute.I remembered a time when I was driving with my mom and younger sister on a night just like this. We were at a signal light,stopped, waiting for the light to turn green. Just as we were making our left hand turn, a car was approaching and instead of stooping, it just kept coming toward us. At that moment the car swirved from side to side and all I remember was the look on my sisters face and the trembling of my moms hands as she started to drive the car out of harms way. It was the weirdest feeling. I was so blessed to be alive. It was like we were touched by an angel. I don't know why I thought of this but maybe it was the song I'm listening to and the fact that its just an angry song. I'm happy with the life I live. I'm stuck with it:) wish I could change some things in my favor but there's reasons for why its not the way I wish it could be. I just love the feeling of driving with the windows down, my hair flying everywhere and music playing in my ear.just thought I would share:)


Why does such a thing have to exist?
Curled up in a ball with the jacket I slept with every night. Seemed like the right thing to do.
Still has a scent on it. The scent doesn't belong to me.
Therefore, it belongs to...


Friday, August 13, 2010


The best part about being young, is being happy and feeling free. As we get older, life will only get harder, so now that times are easy for most, we should all just enjoy it. We need to smile and laugh..surround ourselves with friends and family;ppl we love! We need to stop worrying about dumb shit already! Let's just have fun feeling the freedom:) we are all truly blessed whether we believe that or not.

just a thought..

its weird to think that life is simply but a breath. our time can come any second of anyday. everyone is dying every second, every minute. we are all getting closer to our time. its kinda scary if you really think about it. i find myself sitting there just amazed that life wont last forever. sure, we will go up to heaven but who will we be, what will we be? will we be afraid?happy?sad?peaceful? no one knows and thats what makes dying so scary because its a mystery and no one will ever know until the day it happens. we take things for granted. we complain and stress over the littlest things. we never take the time to sit back and enjoy the life we were blessed with. you hear about people trying to end their life and its so sad. no matter how hard life gets, we were blessed with a new day. why take that away?i just dont understand. we never take the time to thank our loved ones for being there for us. we never give enough hugs or kisses. we hardly express the way we feel about another person, who is also living at this very moment.i've always wanted to have children. sure im only 20 years old, and to some thats far too young to even be thinking about kids but to me, it brings a smile to my face imagining it. i want a big family. ive always wanted a big family. but lately ive been reconsidering. seeing what this world is coming to, makes me scared. why would i want someone to live for? this world is coming to an end whether people want to admit it or not. its only going to get worse year after year.i dont know why i keep thinking about this. i guess i just feel like i havent told the people i love that i love them. everyday i fear i wont ever see them again. maybe i sound a lil freaky right now, but i think its important for people to really think about this. maybe then we will be content with the thought of death. i just hope we all get there, and our souls can live in eternity together:)

Thursday, August 12, 2010


i decided to make a new blog! i missed writing and saying anything i wanted. this time theres no holding back. if i offend anyone then forget you! no ones making you read this! i cant wait to write down my every thoughts. ive been doing a hell of a lot of thinking lately so it'll be nice to finally write it all out. cant wait to get the ball rolling and fill my page up with interesting ideas and opinions of my very own:)