Wednesday, February 1, 2012

the truth hurts...

when your tears no longer affect a guy or make him want to do everything in his power to make sure one never drops down your cheeks again, is the greatest reason for why u should let go. for the longest time i felt that this is exactly where i needed to be. i had so much to be thankful for and everything was more than perfect. i felt that if ronnie were standing right before me he would say that this is exactly where i should be. i felt like he would have approved of all my decisions ive made within these past few months but now i sit here feeling like maybe im wrong about that entire idea. i almost feel like he would be pissed off. not at anyone else but me. i feel like he would be so disappointed to know that someone who once made me happy again when he no longer could, is only causing me so much pain and loneliness then ever before. i feel like if he were here he would only want to just hug me and tell me that i need to start realizing what i want in life. even though hes gone i know hes looking down rooting for me. i feel like if he were here he would help to make me realize that i dont deserve this. after all he has put me through when we had a relationship i feel like he wouldnt want me to ever go through the same stuff again. the last time i saw him he cried to me apologizing for all the wrong he has ever done and all the pain he has ever caused for me. he said that even though he can never bring back the tears that have fallen, he can only make sure to never be the cause for another to fall again. that my friends is what i call a guy who really cares about you. the last time a tear ever fell from my eyes because of him was the day i found out i would never see him again in this lifetime....

so now what? finding out the things i have only make me wanna die inside. i dont understand why someone who has gone through entirely too much, is suddenly being put through this. god isnt doing this to punish me, i think hes doing it so when the next best thing walks into my life, i will appreciate it so much more. i feel like he wants me to turn to him again and beg him for some help. i think that once i do that the lord will bless me but this time bless me with something thats worth thanking him for. for months i woke up everyday thanking him for what he has done in my life and the love he has given to me but now my mind has way too many questions that still havent been answered. i no longer thank him, i just wake up or go to bed asking why? i really want to know why someone who wasnt even looking for love, found it and on days wants to give it all back. sometimes it would be alot easier if i only had myself to worry about.

the truth really does hurt...

Friday, January 27, 2012

I honestly can not wait until God brings someone special into my life. I've seriously had enough. I'm so sick of this and feeling so incomplete. Where did the love go?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

just a thought..

so i was reading through my email so i can delete all of my old junk mail and came across old emails from ronnie. isnt it crazy how one daay youre so sure about something then the next instant its all taken from you and u have no idea what to do. you find yourself standing still not sure whether or not to take two steps forward or two steps back. its so crazy how someones heart can belong to another person and u have no doubt or fear that its going to end up in someone elses lap. as i look back i was so sure at what i wanted and who i wanted. now, a year and months later my heart belongs to someone else. how does it come and go so quickly. are some people just easy lovers and have love for everyone? i find it crazy how i can easily fall in love with people. i loved ron and its so weird to read messages i wrote him and he wrote to me where we are calling each other babe and now i have no idea about that life anymore. i have a new babe. it amazes me when i think about it. all i know is ronnie always wanted me to be happy. as long as he could see me smile, his mission of the day was complete. i had a dream about him last night. it wasnt anything too exciting but at least it wasnt bad. all that matters is he visited me, i got to see his face again and it felt so real. only matter of time now until i see him again and our spirits can actually hug again. until then i will continue to love again. love is the greatest feeling and i know he wouldnt want me to give up on it.

Friday, January 13, 2012


I hate that I want to spend all day everyday with him yet I don't feel that the feeling is mutual. Will it ever change?

Monday, January 9, 2012


oh how ive missed blogging. i love to write so blogging is so much fun for me. it allows me to clear my mind and express my feelings. and let me just say its been wayy too long and if i dont write i just might explode:)

isnt life just crazy? it has twists and turns that lie ahead of you yet you cant see them until youre actually hitting every corner. some days are amazing yet other days absolutely suck. alot has been changing before my very eyes but i know that it wont be very long until it all starts making sense. the other day i discovered that i am a girl of dreams and goals. i have a big imagination that i use to help drive me and motivate me to become a better person. i really really want to teach simply because i enjoy helping others. i feel that in a sense my purpose on earth is to help people who need and want my help. children are my weakness. i can look down at a smiling face and just melt inside. if i see a parent treating their child badly it infuriates me. children are so innocent and i want to be a positive role model to those who simply do not have one. so thats my main goal, my drive in life is to help people:) i will shoot for the stars if i have to. ill do whatever it takes to be a positive person in another persons life. isnt that a comforting feeling to know that someday our future generations will be educated by someone whose passion is to see them succeed?? i remember one time i got asked what it is i want to do in life. my response was, teach. the person who asked me stopped at that one question and after hearing my response, responded back with, thank you. it made me smile. they told me that they appreciate people like me who will one day be a positive influence in their childs life someday. it was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me regarding my choice of career. the fact that something so small could make me so happy just sums up my life. im a person who unfortunately needs feedback or some sort of positive criticism.i dont need to be praised all the time but to be acknowledged for the good you do in anothers life, is always a nice feeling too.

so here i stand now, thinking of my next move in life. schools over, thank the lord. so for awhile i have decided to put my time and energy into something just as productive. i decided to start working full time. for the past three years since ive graduated from high school i have been going to school back to back each semester and let me just say i am very lucky to have been able to do that. most people wish they could have been given the chance to go straight to school and finish so early but unfortunately due to many reasons cant do that. i guess i really didnt have an excuse not to so thats why i did it. im proud of myself for staying so in tuned with that whole routine. there were days where i dreaded going but for the most part i pulled through them. i definitely have stories to share regarding my school life while attending chaffey. nights i stayed up all night writing papers and studying and then falling asleep for an hour and waking up just to do it all over again. ive been through alot, then again who hasnt? but who would have known that after taking late night bus rides home or walking home in the dark or getting up early every morning would honestly pay off. so now that its over, what now? i need to make more goals. if i dont have a goal to reach then whats the point in waking up every morning? so as of right now, my next step will be what it is i want to do with my time. im currently working two jobs right now which i love by the way. i enjoy getting up everyday and heading to the office. i like putting my time towards something that will not only benefit me but my family as well. id like to think that we all are still standing simply because of the help we put together as a unit. hopefully by next month i will finally have my car. the same car i was supposed to get a while back but couldnt simply because the money i had saved either could have continued to stay in the bank or keep the roof over my families head. i chose the roof. i dont have any regrets. if anything im blessed that my family still has a place to call home. getting my car will mean just that much more to me when im finally driving off the lot. my time will come and when its meant to be, ill get what it is ive been wanting for so long:)

im not always so optimistic, if anything i tend to be pessimistic. i dont understand why though. someone of so many dreams and goals should always be optimistic right? in my case thats not so. i guess i allow important things in my life to really affect me. if theres something i cant achieve i always break myself down because of it. i have alot of confidence in my abilities but sometimes i simply can not help but doubt myself. all i can do is pray. prayer has been the answer to many of my problems lately. the moment i feel that feeling of doubt or insecurity, i pray and i kid you not, it all goes away. the other day was the first day i ever went to church alone. ill admit, i was nervous. i guess having my family with me always comforted me. but walking in there alone the other day i knew it was something i had to do. lately my life has not been making sense to me. ive been questioning how some things that appear so perfect end up turning out to not be. so there i went with all my worries, fears and sadness and entered the church. immediately i felt this rush of emotions that i couldnt bare to hold deep inside anymore. so there i had it, i let it all go the moment i began to sing the first song during worship. if there was ever a moment in my life where crying felt the best i believe it was at that moment. if you cant cry infront of the lord, then who else could u possibly cry to? going alone was probably the best thing i could have done on saturday. all day at work i was feeling so empty and just broken up inside. the late nights of hanging out with my girlfriends and going out for drinks and a time to get my mind off my problems just wasnt cutting it anymore. i needed prayer. i needed god. he says come to him, so i went. after work that day i told myself either i go another night of round 2 or go to church and ask for help. i asked for help. he says ask and you will receive. ive received:) i know that my days that lie ahead are gonna be hard and difficult to understand but as long as i have god by my side i will be just fine.

man, i already feel good just by writing this. its amazing how expressing yourself even if no one is listening, could make u feel so much better. todays my day off and im blessed to be alive today. nothing can make me weak only stronger. what doesnt kill me will only keep me alive for another day! so go out today my friends and have a wonderful day! give thanks to the man up above for blessing you with another day of sunshine.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

went to orientation for the art institute of california just one step closer to making my dream of owning my own bakery someday come true:)) i think ronnies up in heaven smiling down at me right now and id like to believe that he was walking side by side with me as i took a tour of the campus. im super excited for my future. i wish he were here physically but knowing he is spiritually brings me comfort. he is only a breath and whisper away. i miss him so much. i love him so much that it hurts to think about love sometimes. why does god bring people into our lives if hes just gonna take them out eventually:/ ill never understand but i hope to get my answers someday:) i love ronnie joseph pallares. i pray he visits me tonight...

Saturday, June 25, 2011

i wanna sing!!!why couldnt i be born with musical talent:/