Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My ipod was on shuffle this morning and these songs came on that remind me of him: halo-beyonce, super human- chris brown, and hold my hand-akon michael jackson. These songs all have reasons as to why they remind me of him. I remember when ronnie first got to north carolina after he graduated from basic training. He went through this beyonce/ chris brown phase. I think it had a lot to do with me liking them:) but anyway he bought both albums I forget the names of them. One day he sends me a text while he was working and I was at school. He told me to listen to these songs; halo and super human. He said that they remind him of me and they are his favorites off of their cds. I listened to them over and over again. Now when I hear them I can't help but think of that time I used to always play them. The song by akon reminds me of last year. I remember when he flew me out to be with him on his last four day weekend of the year right before deployment. I heard this song and yeah I liked it but it didn't actually stick with me until after I left north carolina. I had so many different emotions during that time. I was sad, happy, basically bi polar. Haha I listened to this song over and over on the plane rides home. Fayetteville to charlotte, charlotte to pheonix, pheonix to ontario. It was crazy how I felt.so now everytime I hear it, I just think of that entire weekend I spent with him. It was soo cold there. It was nice being able to cuddle and lay down with him all weekend. We were like a lil married couple living in our own place lol I remember I helped him clean his room and pack his bags for afghanistan:( we went grocery shopping haha well more like snack shopping lol we picked out movies together. I even helped him fill out papers at the PX for him so he can get approved for a military star card which is a fancy name for a credit card. I remember the lil old lady that helped us. She saw both of our rings on our left ring fingers and she asked how long we have been married:). We both smiled and ronnie looked at her and said we're not married, yet!! Lol she just laughed with us and complimented us on how cute we were. I won't ever forget that moment. It was perfect!! There were so many of those moments.people were always asking us how long its been or whens the wedding date?? Lol he always talked about our future. One of my last conversations I had with him he was rambling about how excited he was and he came up with this plan of how everything was gonna go.he told me he talked to his mom and grandma about it. He was excited to come home and tell his grandparents to their faces. He felt they deserved to be told the news in person. It was at that moment when I knew he was dead serious about his plan to marry me. I miss him and love him with my entire heart.

Today is another hard day for me. Woke up this morning and just wanted to fall back asleep. I wish I could sleep through everything. This pain I feel is unbearable at times. There are many moments where I flip the f*** out! I get all crazy on people. I don't have much patience lately. A lot of people are ignorant and annoying as hell. I am very bitter now and this opened my eyes to so many things people do and say that annoy me. Some don't even know what the hell they are talking about. They waste their time on dumb shit. Its like "how old are you" grow the hell up! Ahh it drives me crazy. There are so many ungreatful people and its just so sad. I would do anything just to have him back. I'm so sorry for those of you who have lost someone. This is the worst feeling in the world. When I think about my future now, I see nothing. Its so hard to live for the future when all I keep thinking is how in the hell I am going to get through the day. I know he would be very mad at me if he knew I was upset and crying. He hated when I was anything but happy. I can hear him now telling me smile babe, you're so beautiful when you smile mamas.:(
I miss him. That's an understatement.

Why did god take him away from us?? I just don't understand this at all. God heard everyday and everynight when ronnie would promise me he would be coming home. He always said he would be safe and to never worry bc he would be home soon. So why did god have to take him, why?

If he's so powerful and has a plan for everyone, then he must have known that this was going to cause so much pain and heartache. Why would he do this to us? I can't wait for the day I find out.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

People keep saying... "I'm here for you, anything you need."

Well if that's the case, then why do I feel so alone? I feel alone although I know I'm not. Everyone is affected by this, yet I'm feeling it in different ways then other people. Just like they might be feeling it in ways I can't relate to. If this is the case then does this mean that I'm not the only one who feels alone??

I guess I'm feeling it a lot right now bc so much is going on. All I want is to talk to him about it bc I know he would be the one to really care to listen. Whenever I had a problem, he was the person I went to and he helped me so much. Just like when there were things he had to deal with or situations that brought him down, he turned to me to help pick him back up again. I miss him so much.

I keep listening to all the songs he told me that remind him of me:( it seems like every song is about the guy being gone yet still with his girl everywhere she goes. They talk about her having him forever and she being the only one he will ever love. I miss what him and I had. Things were not perfect, but they were still wonderful. We had something truly amazing. I don't think anyone could ever have what we did. We understood each other in different ways. We knew the littlest things about each other that not even our bestest friends knew. How do I know this? Well, because we told each other "no one knows this". No one will ever know.

I heard his voice when he was upset or scared. It stays with me and haunts me now:( I wake up at night wanting to call him but then I realize he won't be there to pick up the other end of the call. There were days when he would call me in the middle of his sleep saying things that I can't get out of my head till this day. The trembling in his voice was the worst of them all! I heard it all! I heard the things that no one knows about. It was my job as his girl to pick him up and encourage him to stay strong and focused. It was hard! So effin hard but I wouldn't change it for the world! I loved being the person who stood behind him and gave him the motivation he needed to go on! He always told me that he loved knowing he could call me when he was in the shittiest mood but know that when our conversation was over, he'd be in the best mood. Its true. It happened quite a lot actually. I could tell what type of mood he was in just by the way he said "hey baby". If it was a low tone then he was sad, if it was high then he was happy and excited or if it was an irritated tone then he was upset about something. I miss him so much! I just wanna scream! I wish he were still here! I wish I could hear his diffferent voices again! I wish I could pick him up when he's down or hold him up when he's already high! Like I said, things were not always so perfect, we had our share of ups and downs but all that matters is we both moved on from there. We let it come in between us for a little while but we worked through them bc nothing and NO ONE was worth getting in between what we shared.

We confessed so much to each other and told each other things that we were scared to admit but we did it bc it had to be done and we didn't want to lie to each other anymore. He told me things that killed me, literally stabbed my heart but I forgave him just like he forgave me. We cried then laughed bc we both decided to make it work. We loved each other. And that's what two people do when they are in love; they work out their problems.

We would have been happy and lived a happy healthy life together. We would have had a beautiful marriage filled with love and the love of our lord. Our kids would have been beautiful and mommy and daddy would have gave them anything their lil hearts desired. We would have had a beautiful home. Nothing too big or too expensive but somewhere to just raise our kids and just be happy. How do I know this??

Because we talked about it; all day, everyday. It was the one thing we both could mention and from then on our mood was the best it had been all day long.

I love him. No one knows how I feel unless their love has been taken from them in the blink of an eye too.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm screaming inside my own skin!! All I want is to get away! I want to be gone already. If tomorrows my day, then so be it. I just want to see him again.

I miss him:(

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I used to fall asleep, whether it was right infront of him or while we were on the phone, wherever it was he sat there and talked to me. He'd have conversations with me while he let me sleep. I remember there were a few times where I wanted to hear what kinds of things he would say to me so I would pretend to be sleeping. I'd stay very quiet, but ended up really falling asleep haha this whole thing started way back in junior year of h.s. That summer ronnie called me every night at the same time; 9 pm. I was a grandma who had to get up for work so by that time I was exhausted! I'd usually talk for about a half hour and then crash.
Eventually I'd wake up to the phone on my ear but no one there. Next day would come and he'd make fun of me for snoring on the phone the previous night! Whatta brat! He snores loud too:) haha anyway finally one night I wasn't that tired so I stayed awake through his entire convo with my "sleeping" self. The things he said to me made me fall for him even more! He was so amazing. Just recently, this past august, him and I went for a drive. It got really late and I was super tired but we both didn't wanna go home bc going home meant we would no longer be next to each other. He begged me to stay as long as I could with him. He told me that he wouldn't care if I fell asleep, all he wanted was to be able to drive all night and know that I'm sleeping peacefully next to him, safe and sound. I told him I would. I ended up falling asleep for about 25 mins he said. He had a pretty deep convo with me apparently. When I first started to doze, the only thing I could manage hearing was I love you vanessa. As you start to drift to sleep just know I think you are the most beautiful girl. And then from there, I was out! When I woke up he took me home. We had shared the perfect ending to the perfect night. I really miss him talking to me while I sleep:(

I love him.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency...
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on
So are you listening?
Are you watching me?
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on
We have an emergency
So are you listening?
Cause I can't pretend that I don't see this

Its really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it.

I've seen love die
Way too many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love
But you don't know what love is
I think we have an emergency
So are you listening
Cause I can't pretend that I don't see this

Its really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
So can we talk about it?

I've seen love die
Way too many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive

Your scars they will not, fade away.

No one cares to talk about it
So can we talk about it?

I've seen love die
Way to many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive.


Saturday, November 20, 2010

today has been a good day..

Despite all of the unnecessary, immature drama that has been going on, today I have had one of the best days. I'll admit i have had a moment or two. I spent most of the day home alone by myself so I've definitely had my alone time to think and cry and scream! After that, I felt so much relief. My tears instantly washed away and as weird as it sounds, I felt him, finally!!

I sat in bed and put on my paramore dvd that he got me as a "just because" surprise gift. The minute our song came on, I cried and laid there feeling so helpless and sorry for myself:/ then something wonderful came over me. I felt this chill enter me and my skin soon displayed goosebumps. It was like a sign of him saying "cheer up crazy face" just like he would always tell me whenever I was down in the dumps about something. I soon smiled and starting singing along. I was crying and laughing all at the same time but it was a happy cry, a really good well-needed cry! I jumped outta bed, cleaned up my room, took a warm shower and jumped into my warm sweats. I ate some food and watched movies all day. All thanks to him! The thought of him, helped me switch my whole day around.

Since everything has happened, I haven't had the chance to sit down and watch tv. Well, not that I haven't had the chance, but more like I choose not to. Today, watching tv felt very good. There were a bajillionnn movies on, my favorites I might add. Anytime I felt a wave of emotion trying to bring me down, it was like he pushed it away or something. Before the wave could take me in, a memory of him filled my head as if he was the one putting the memory in my brain for me.

I had a wonderful conversation with my big sister today as well. We cried and laughed together. We talked about school and work and family life. We talked about my adorable niece and nephew whom I love so very much. Tomorrow is my niece andrea's 4th birthday! I love my lil mamas. I remember the first day she learned how to say ronnies name:) anytime I was on the webcam skyping him, she'd walk over and with a biggg smile on her face and her adorable little finger pointing at him on the computer screen, she'd say "ronnie!!" Haha he was so determined to have her call him "uncle ronnie." Everytime I handed her the phone to talk to him, he'd repeat "uncle ronnie, uncle ronnie" she learned it! But then forgot again! Haha that's expected of a 4 year old though. I have a video of her saying his name that I sent to him. He couldn't wait to see her when he got back home. Next time I visit his grave, I'm going to try to take her with me so she can visit him too:) he knew how much I adore my niece and nephew. He loved them and told me to always give them a hug and kiss for him. I did everytime! My big sister listened to me talk today, I was actually able to vent to someone and not feel hesistant about saying anything. Our conversation kind of reminded me of my conversations I'd have with ronnie. He was the only one who understood me and sat there and allowed me to say anything and everything I felt on my heart at that moment. He never passed judgement or scolded me. He listened with both ears and his entire soul and gave me real thoughts and helped me overcome the obstacle I was facing at that moment. He cared, truly cared about my feelings, the same way I did with his. When it was either one of our times to speak, we listened whole heartedly and although we weren't physically near each other, we could still feel the hug we gave whenever we'd say " I'm there with you babe, can you feel me?".

My sister inspired me a lot today. She made me realize a lot and now, finally, I have found a new motivation. I'm not going to say what it is, but I will say you all shall find out what it is soon enough:) I am very excited. I know he would be very proud of me for finding courage and strength.I remember that time when he told me that its going to be us against the world. It brought a smile to my face. I also found a message where he told me to not care what people think. Only his opinion should matter to me and only what he thinks of me is the only thing that matters. I will live by this. I want to make him proud of me. I know I will and I can. That's why this new inspiration of mine is going to be for him and for us. He always told me to be strong and never to forget to help out those who need help bc "I may just need them one day". After my conversation with my sister, I went on youtube and played this song. Ronnie visited a friend in her dreams. He asked her if she could give me a message. He began singing this song to her and she told me what song it was that he wanted me to listen to. I listened to it today:) it brought on the tears again but I couldn't help but be happy. The words were beautiful and full of inspriation. The song was absolutely AMAZING. It brought comfort to my heart. I'm very greatful that she told me about her dream. She didn't have to share but she did anyway. If you are reading this, then thank you so much!:)

My new mission and goal in life is to be there for those who need and want my help and encouragement. As long as people will let me be there for them, then I will be. Just like he always used to say "I will always love you and be here for you, for as long as you let me vanessa.":)

I miss him:/ I love him so much. I can't wait to make him proud!

Friday, November 19, 2010

cold, rainy days..

Are so depressing:/

He was so excited to come home and enjoy the cold weather. We talked about going to the christmas lights together on thoroughbred like we did two christmases ago:/ we were supposed to make a trip to the snow and rent a cabin with our friends. I'm so sad:( I just wanna cry. But I can't. The tears are in me but won't come out anymore.

He was excited that afghanistan was beginning to get cold too bc it was his reminder that winter was coming and he would be coming home soon.

I miss him so much. All I want to do is talk to him, cry to him, and know that he will be there for me.whenever I was having a bad day, just hearing his voice brought me comfort. Now all I have are voicemails. I can repeat his exact words, that's how much I listen to them.

I love him so much.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

does anyone else find it weird that god planned out our lives even before we were planted as a seed in our mothers womb?

I just had a thought. I find it amazingly unbelievable that God created us even before our own parents did. Now, I can't speak much about the bible because I honestly don't know that much about it. Growing up I was raised to believe there was a God and he was the creator of all things, so therefore that's all I ever really knew. I went to church when I was little. Every sunday morning there I was, little vanessa eating her oatmeal and watching cartoons. Everytime my mom or dad came into my room, all u ever heard me do was complain. I hated going to church only because I hated being forced to go. That's exactly how it was. As a little kid, who wants to spend their morning in the house of God when there's cartoons to be watched? However, now that I'm older I enjoy going. Its something that I began looking forward to. But now, after everything that's happened, I'm right back to where I was years before and asking myself "what's the point?".

So now here I am, 20 years old, about to be 21 soon, and this strange thought came into my mind..."How can God already have our lives planned out?". It amazes me everytime I sit here and think about it.

Did he tell himself, "okay, there's going to be another human I'm going to create. She is going to be born on this day. Have this hair color, these eyes, these lips, this nose, and these ears. Her eyebrows will be shaped like this and her skin tone will be this color. She will be this tall and weigh this much. Her foot size will stop growing at 7 inches. She will laugh and talk this way. She will have this personality and have this much brains.she will succeed at this and this, and find herself at a stand-still when this event occurs in her life. She will be born into a huge family and have 1 brother and 2 sisters. Her father is gonna leave her life when she is 7 years old. She will have this fear and that fear. She will want to become a high school teacher and she'll be the one to help people be successful in life. She will hate this food and that food but love this food and that food. She will hate to run, yet love to hike. She will not be a tomboy but a girly girl. She will want this many kids. And grow up in a city called rancho cucamonga the first half of her life. She will be a student at carnelian elementary school where she will meet this friend and that friend and meet her best friend in kindergarten. She will then proceed to alta loma junior high and meet this friend and that friend, maybe lose this friend along the way. She will then become a student at alta loma high school and graduate with the same people she has known since the first day she was taught how to properly write. She will meet the love of her life when she is 16 years old, but she won't know he is the love of her life until she turns 18. She will then begin dating him and he will be the one to steal her heart. He will be the one to make her shed tears which will then cleanse her soul and make her strong. He will be the one she wants to marry and plan a life with. He will then be taken off this earth on october 23, 2010, a month before he is supposed to come home and ask her to marry him. She will then be so broken, that not even I(God) will be able to comfort her. She will then lose all faith and hope in life. Then after all is said and done, I will then put her faith and soul to the test... See if she can overcome the attempts that the devil will try to take to break her down. And last but not least, this new creature of mine will be named, vanessa."

Does God really have my life planned out like this? That's all I'm wanting to know.

Monday, November 15, 2010

i miss him...i am hurting so much right now. there are so many things i want to share and so many pictures i want people to see but it seems like whenever i post something everyone takes it..i just wanna keep these photos of him for myself..i don't wanna sound greedy but its true. these are all i have. they wouldn't be special if everyone had them too. same goes for my videos..i have many adorable ones of him but i don't wanna share haha i just wish people would look at them and not take them.. omgoshhh i am going crazy! i cant do this anymore. i just wanna hit something until it hurts just as much as i am. he will never know how much i miss him. i truly dont want my life to move forward. i just want to be wherever he is. so he can kiss me and make me feel safe like he used to:/ i love him so much. love is seriously an understatement. if he were here, he'd know exactly what i mean. him and i used to get in these moods where we missed each other so much that when we would say "i miss you so much" it wasnt fulfilling enough. we felt that longing for each other even more then before we said it hahah sounds confusing but at least i know he understands what im trying to say. same goes for "i love you". we felt so much more then that so that phrase never felt good enough.

i hope he visits me in my dreams tonight:( he hasnt in a while...

i will always miss cuddling with him on the couch...

and running my fingers through his hair while he falls asleep:(

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I've come to realize that it comforts me to read old messages and letters from ronnie. Even though it brings tears, it also brings comfort as well. I was just reading old text messages that I have saved from him on my old phone that I had last year. I found this text and thought I would share it. It made me cry when I read it. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when he sent this to me. I miss him so much. I love him more than anything or anyone. I know he loved me too. See for youself...

"I want to be with you. Its that simple. Not for just this deployment so I have someone waiting. After that, after I get out. When I'm a civilian again. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want us to argue about bills, what car to buy, what to do for vacation, what to watch on tv. Everything. I want you. I want you to feel loved, to feel how I feel about you. I screwed up way back when, but I promise you with all of my heart I've been straight up w you and that's how I'm going to be till forever." (Sent on December 26, 2009 at 10:59 AM) Three days before he left for afghanistan:(

I miss him:(

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I woke up frustrated and upset this morning. Once again, I didn't have a dream about him:( its like no matter how much I pray for one, he never comes. I'll admit, I'm starting to get envious of those people who have been dreaming about him. That's all I want is to see him again:( knowing ronnie, he won't come until I least expect it. He was always trying to surprise me, but never could bc he'd give away obvious clues all the time! Haha so now I believe this is the only way he can surprise me for the first time. Sucks that it has to be this way:( I miss him so much. Everyday I wake up, lay there in bed and it seems like it takes all of my strength to get up and get moving. Its a new day yet nothing has changed. I'm still broken, and feeling lost and alone:/ I love him so much. My heart is longing to be with him again.

Like him and I used to say to each other.. " I love you more today than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow". That's exactly how I feel:(
I can't believe this is true. My heart feels like its been ripped out of me. I feel like I have no one yet I have many people here for me. Still, they don't compare. No one can ever replace the hole that is left in my heart. I miss him so much. I've cried so much that its gotten to the point where I can no longer shed a single tear. My thoughts are twisted. I have so much going on inside. I am mad! So mad! I don't understand! Why? Why me? I have been nothing but a good person to people and so has he. Why us? Why couldn't we last forever? There are so many people in this world who don't deserve to have the life they do! They waste it by being mad at people! I just don't get it!

If you love someone, tell them! Don't waste a single minute! There's so many things I would have done differently. Now, its too late. Make it happen people! If there's someone you love and can't see yourself being without then tell them! Hug them, hold them, kiss them, squeeze them! Get married and start ur future together! Make babies and spend ur life devoting ur all to them! I will never get to experience that with ronnie! Ever! And it makes me pissed as hell! I was supposed to be his wife, the mother of his kids, his future, his everything. Now that he's gone, I can't have any of that. No one knows how I'm feeling. The thoughts and emotions I'm experiencing. I truly feel like my life is worth nothing without him. I don't ever see myself being able to go on. How can I? I don't want to even if I could. I miss him so much. All I have left are my memories. My pictures, my letters, my text messages, my voicemails, my videos, my ring. My ring is all I have to remind me that he did want to spend his future with me. I look down at my hand and fall apart. Its just my promise ring he gave me. He asked me to send him a picture of the wedding ring I would want bc he wanted to buy it when he came home. I never got around to sending it. I found the one I wanted, three days before he died. He never got to actually see it:( my heart is broken.

We were supposed to have a backyard wedding:) I told him that I didn't care who was there, I wanted everyone and their mamas there! I never understood why ppl set restrictions on their wedding day. Some are only for adults only! Wtf! A wedding is a celebration, for everyone!!! I wanted cows chickens pigs roosters there! Everyone!! We talked about it a lot actually. My sister was going to be my maid of honor. my younger sister, best friends erica, ashlee, heather, and natalie were going to be my bridesmaids. He wanted his brother danny to be his best man. He wanted his grandpa and uncles vince, and ricky to be his groomsmen as well as his best friend justin. He was so excited whenever we would talk about it. We wanted my niece and his lil sisters titi and priscilla to be the flower girls:) and my nephew and his lil brothers to be the ring barriers. My brothers art and richard were going to give me away:(my dreams are crushed!

For food, ronnie wanted the taco man! Haha as long as chicken was there he was happy.:) we wanted a summer wedding. Like july, august. We wanted to get married once he was out of the army:/ he planned to ask me this coming january. He told me he was going to do it, but wouldn't tell me where or when. All I know is he talked about it quite often and everytime he did, he spoke with such excitement and anticipation.

While he was in afghanistan he called me and we stayed up late one night on the phone. I had school the next day but didn't care. I loved every minute I had to talk to him. We sat up making a list of names for what to name our kids. He wanted a boy really bad. I would always joke with him and say " okay so SHE is going to be the cutest thing ever!" And he'd be like " huh, you mean HE! Yes, HE will be the cutest!" Haha secretly I wanted a boy first too but always gave him a hard time about it. If I remember correctly he liked the name adrian for a boy. I liked anthony or andrew. For girls, there were so many names! I can't even remember any he really really liked. All I remember is him saying " we're gonna lock her up until she's thrity babe" haha he was so cute.we always talked about our future. He promised me that he would be coming home. He couldn't wait for it all:(

I miss him so much. I will hold these memories and conversations I had with him, close to my heart. No one can ever take them away from me. And no one can ever have what him and I had. I am very lucky.

I love him. Like he would always say " forever and seven days babe". Then he'd just smile:)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I hate how life gets to go on, yet my life is stuck where its at right now. There's no moving back or forth, no matter how much I wish I could change it.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Eating spaghetti and watching the laker game... You should be here right now.

I love you..