Monday, January 17, 2011

I can't even begin to describe how I feel today. As I'm sitting here thinking about this entire break I realize how much I truly needed this time away from school. So much happened this month. I survived the holidays...Christmas Eve Christmas day new years Eve, new years day which is my moms birthday, my 21st birthday. All without him:( it was incredibly hard but I'm so thankful for all of the support that people have given me. I'm very glad to have so many great people in my life. Because of him, so many have reached out to me. They check up on me daily, they come by to visit me, and they always let me know that they are here for me and thinking of me. I know they are making ronnie happy. They are being true people by taking care of me and I know he is happy and smiling. There are still some disrespectful people who say or do hurtful things but all I'm left to do is pray for them. I do pray for them. Its amazing how close I have grown with God. The beginning I was so angry at him but now I'm at peace. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments where I question him and his plans for me but I have my faith again. That's really important and I truly believe that it is him who is giving me the strength to wake up get out of bed, put my face on and go about my day. Its hard, but it is always done. I'm doing it for myself as well as ronnie and God. I want people to respect me, look up to me in some sort of way. Ronnie would always tell me how strong of a woman I was.if only people could have heard the way he would tell me. He believed in me and knew I could handle anything. He even admitted that is why he picked me. And I believe him. I believe he chose me out of everyone bc he knew that no matter what obstacles we faced, we would pull through and make it. We made it! Maybe not to the ending I wished so much for, but we came very the end that God had planned for us. That's why when someone does something that hurts me or gets me thinking I have peace knowing that ronnie can see everything now. He knows who is a true person and who isn't. I know he sees me trying with people and putting myself out there. The ones who aren't accepting me, fine. All I know is that my love knows the real me. He sees me and sees me trying to have a relationship with certain people. I know he would be makes me sad knowing that he would truly be upset to see how some people are being. This is a time to stick together, not drift apart. That's why it is so important to me to have a relationship still with his family. They were going to be my family! I always want them a part of my life and I'm always going to be here for each of them. But there's only so much I can do. Just like ronnie would tell me "there's only so much you could do until its time for a person to meet you halfway.if its important to them, they will come around". I believe him. I wont give up though bc I know he wouldn't want me to do that. I want to make him proud. People say he will be looking down smiling and saying "that's my girl". I pray he is saying that. Everything I do for people or say to people is true and genuine. I'm trying to be the best person I can be because he's watching now. I want him to look down and see the girl he fell in love with helping others while trying to help herself. I heard this quote and it stuck with me. It went something like... a woman is someone who can stay strong for others when her world is falling apart while trying to stay strong for herself. I believe that so much and I want to live by that bc ronnie saw something in me that he had never seen in any other girl before. I know that he saw it as well as our closest friends and family members but now I want the world to see it too.I will reveal to everyone the woman ronnie fell in love with.

With god all things are possible...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


I'm so sick! I hateeeee being sick! I can't do anything bc I never have any strength. It takes everything out of me to just switch head positions on my stupid pillow or get up to drink my glass of water! I really thought I was going to pass the sickness for once. It seemed like everyone else was getting sick except for me but noooo I was wrong. It sucks too bc when I'm sick I stay sick for a really long time:/ I hope I get better soon bc I start school again next week:( I wish he were here. I miss him telling me to toughen up whenever I was sick. He never wanted to admit that he was "sick" his method was denial, denial, denial! Lol he was so cute. I remember the last time he was really sick. It was this past september. I kept telling him to eat fruit and drink lots of water and OJ. He would always say "but I'm not sick babe. I'll eat the fruit though!" Lol I miss his adorable laugh. I could say something incredibly stupid and he would think it was the cutest thing. I miss when him and I would Skype:( sometimes he would just stare and wouldn't say anything. Then I'd wave to him and he would snap outta it lol I would ask him what he was staring at and his response was always "you're beautiful babe" :( haha it never answered my question!lol and I would tell him that and laugh at him and he would say "be quiet brat!" Lol I can still hear his voice:) that makes me very happy. We would Skype for hoursssss! He never wanted to sign off. I didn't either but I would force him to go bc I wanted to make sure he had enough sleep and was well rested for the next day. I miss it so much:( I miss those little things that we both would do or say. He knew me so well. When he would be standing infront of me, I sometimes wouldn't even have to say anything bc he already knew what I was thinking. I love him so much. I can't wait to see him again.

Monday, January 10, 2011

behind every smile, there are a thousand more tears.

What people fail to realize is that I'm hurting and in so much pain. Even though I may be smiling, it doesn't mean that later on in the day I won't be crying. When I wake up in the morning, I may at times feel strong. I'll put on my make up or style my hair but that doesn't express anything. Just because I appear fine and back to normal on the outside doesn't mean that on the inside I'm not hurting or wanting to scream bc the truth is I'm dying inside. The way I feel is completely indescribable and I'm at a loss for words. So please, the next time you see me out and appearing to be happy and okay, just take a second to realize that inside its a whole other ball game. I felt the need to say this just because I see the way people act when I am out with friends or shopping for clothes with the girls. I'm not an alien so don't look so surprised to see me out. Many who have seen me out said it was wonderful to see me getting some fresh air and to be honest i enjoy being out of the house every now and then bc when I'm not cooped up, my mind stays busy on other things rather then over analyzing this shitty situation the lord has brought before my very eyes. Just know that no matter what I'm doing, where I am, who I'm with,or what I appear like, I am always hurting! Always! And ronnie stays on my mind every second that passes me by.

I'm usually really good at expressing the way I feel but when it involves me trying to talk about ronnie, I can't. This has caused my world to be completely shaken and flipped upside down. I miss him! That's all I can really say right now. Even that simple phrase just isn't enough! It doesn't fully explain how I'm feeling. Its so much deeper then that. Oh God how I wish I could see him again. Its weird to think that one day there I was happy, talking to him telling each other I love you, then the next day he's gone. Its almost been 3 months. To me it feels like its been forever. I love him:( I hope and pray to God that ronnie sees and hears me everyday. I pray its him who is wiping my tears from my face or keeping me warm at night. I have hour long conversations with him and cry every time I don't hear a response. I still can't believe this. Sometimes it feels like he's going to call any minute or I'm going to get an adorable messsage or comment from him on Facebook. I miss that. I miss the good morning calls or the ones where he calls during his sleep just to tell me that he loves me. I remember I used to get so mad at him whenever he would ruin his sleep time just to call me. I wouldn't say mad, but I'd always scold him to go back to sleep then thank him for calling me afterward haha I drove that boy crazy and so did he. But I love him with all of me. I always have. No matter what went wrong during our relationship we always worked it out. There were many things we didn't agree on but he stopped at nothing to make sure he made me happy. That's why I know deep down in my heart that he w.ould want nothing more then for me to be happy. If I can't be happy for me then I have to be happy for him. Whenever I was sad he would always say 'baby, I'm not fighting for you to be sad. I'm fighting for you to be happy. Smile for me my beautiful girl." I miss him telling me things like this or coming up with the most adorable nicknames to refer to me as. I love him. I will always love him. And no one can ever take that away from me. I hold his heart, afterall, he did give it to me.he told me to hold onto it for him for "forever and seven days":)

I love you ronnie.

Friday, January 7, 2011

"So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong then you'll finally see the truth; that a hero lies in you". I love you babe. I miss you so much.

When I heard this I realized that he is in me and I carry him everywhere I go so therefore he lies within me. That makes me so happy and brings me so much comfort and such a secure feeling. Everyone tells me everyday how much they knew he loved me. Everytime they say that he was crazy about me it makes me feel so good because I know he was. He told me everyday:) he always used to tell me that I was his world, the girl of his dreams, and his number one priority. I believe him. He said that he loved me to death:( he was telling the truth:( he always said he would die for me, and he did. I love him so much. I can't wait to see him again. I pray that the lord will bring him to me soon and will allow him to be waiting for me the day I get sent to heaven.he said "forever and seven days" we shall see if he is right about this one. If there was one person he would want up there with him right now I have a feeling it would be me:) he loves me. I know it, you know it, and everyone else knows it too! And if u deny it, you are so wrong.he would be the first to put u in ur place if he were here. :P

I love you ron.. I miss you baby.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

mornings i wake up asking...

why in the fuck did I wake up?

It still doesn't make any sense to me. Why is it that dumb idiots still get to live their life while smart and amazing people have lost theirs. I literally wake up every morning or everytime I take a nap and ask myself why did I get to wake up yet the love of my life doesn't. I feel like my entire inside has been taken out of me. I have become completely numb. I feel no other emotion regarding others. I can careless about what other people are going through right now BC all that has taken over my mind is the way I'm feeling. I can't even describe how much my life has changed and how much it will continue to change. I have always wanted to have lots and lots of babies but not anymore. I no longer want a reason to live. I just want to leave this earth before I even get the chance to move on with my life. Ronnie was my everything. I told him everyday. No matter what argument we were facing for the day we never wasted a minute to tell each other how much we meant to one another. Now that he's gone I can't even think straight. As I'm crossing the street I'm praying and hoping someone won't see me so then I can go with him. I know, kind of freaky right?? Coming from someone who loved her life and thought everything was perfect. You know what, everything was perfect. I truly had the world when I had him. I had someone who I loved and who loved me back. I had someone who made sure I was always happy no matter what it took for him to get us there. I had someone who wanted to marry me and make me the mother of his kids. I had everything. Now that my everything is gone and never coming back I now have nothing. I am completely empty inside. So if you are ever wondering how I'm doing just remember this...I am fuckin miserable without him and the day I go, just know it'll be the happiest day for me BC I will finally be with him again. He told me that as long as I wait for him, he will find his way back to me. I believe that. Ronnie wouldn't stop until I was his again. He loved calling me his beautiful girl. And boy don't I miss hearing it. Thankfully I have a saved voicemail with him calling me that so whenever I need to hear it, I give it a listen. I miss my chubb and he better miss me too! I know that if there was one place he wishes I could be, I bet it would be up there with him right by his side, where he always wanted me to be:) I love ronnie and I can't wait to see my handsome baby again:(