Tuesday, August 31, 2010


"I remember the love, right after the fights. You can't tell me you don't remember those nights" :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

I hate how this happens. I'm doing good in my life, and its like they know or something. They come waltzing back into your life and make you second guess everything. Am I doing the right thing? Did I do the right thing? I was happy, so happy with him. Why give things up? Why is it so hard for people to trust or tell the truth? Why do people leave the ones they like for the ones they love? My brain hurts. I'm thinking too much about this. Its been over a week now.. I almost wish it never happened. Where would I be? What would I be? Who would I be?I have so much to work out and straighten up. I miss a lot of things:/ but sometimes u have to learn to let them all go. I'm craving that attention again. That feeling of being truly loved as well as adored.will I ever have that again? Will I ever be with someone who treated me as good as him?:/ depressing thought. I'm not gonna lie..


That horrible pain is back in my stomach:( I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I'm worried now. I told my mom what was going on bc I couldn't take it anymore. The pain grew and intensified:/ she joked about me possibly being prego. I didn't think that was funny at all. It actually made me more worried. But I know its not that. I think there's honestly something wrong with me:( time to go get this checked out:( I'm scared. What if they tell me something I don't wanna hear??:(

Sunday, August 29, 2010

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I'm happy, happy, happy. My life finally feels like its right where it supposed to be. I'm smiling for absolutely no reason right now. Even though I have a few negative thoughts running through my brain that are making me sad, nothing can bring me down right now. I love the way things are right now except the fact that I'm still sick. But other than that, I love everything at this very moment.I love my family, my friends, and him:) I'm excited for this week even though I have nothing planned. I guess I'm just happy to get it over with so I can knock off one more week on my calendar. I can't wait to see him again. I miss him so much and I am so happy that he's still in my life. God, has truly blessed us and has given us one more time to make it. So its up to us to make it last. Third times a charm:) I just found my faith. Lost it along the way, so I'm happy its finally back.
Almost done with my homework. Is it almost 4:30 yet? I can't wait to hear his voice:)

I love you.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Okay okay.. So I just have to admit..I miss him. So much. That it hurts to think about all the time that has to go by before I will ever see him again. The song "tik tok" by kesha just came on and it made me think of him. I remember when I went to visit him in december, I made him listen to that song. And his friend played it in his truck for me and both of them just looked at me like I was crazy! Haha aww I get buuterflies just thinking about those times when I would fly out to see him. I remember the first time was scary:( second time was not so bad except for when I thought I was gonna have to stay over night in the airport by myself:( uhh I don't know what I would have done:/ I was happy when everything worked out tho. I miss him:( regardless of everything that's happened, I know it made us stronger. My love for him has grown so much. This time spent apart was for the better I think. It was hard, but at the same time it was easy. I'm just glad we're both wanting this again, and this time it will last. I don't care what anyone says, all I know is I think its worth it, he thinks its worth it, so we'll make it work. I feel that this time around it has to be about compromise, and honesty. I think we have to consider each others feelings more this time. Its no longer just about me, its about him too. Aww:) I'm so happy.I love being in love♥

ohh geeze..

Its 4:30 in the morning and I feel like S***. :( I have to wake up in about 2 1/2 hours for math class. Should I stay home and email my teacher telling him how sick I feel or should I just suck it up and go?
I think I like the first idea:) I just have to promise not to get in the habit of not going every week.okayyyy I promise:) haha

Friday, August 27, 2010

who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?

I hate being sick for the simple fact that I'm stuck right here, forced to lay in my bed. My body aches and all systems shut down. One minute I feel energy, then the next its gone. Picking up my head or adjusting my pillows takes so much out of me.I hate the feeling of being trapped. That's exactly how I feel, trapped in my room.I'm downing my body with cranberry juice and water, not really sure if that's going to help. But the idea of it making me recover faster, brings comfort to my heart. My brother and younger sister brought me food earlier and it made my day. My sister picked a rose for me and brought it to my room in a vase. Makes me smile just looking at it and even though by tomorrow it will be dead, its still beautiful while it lasts.the little thoughts are what count the most to me.I have to be honest, my heart is broken.one minute it was alive just like that rose, but since all beautiful things can't last forever, it died. I'm confused with everything. I don't even know what it is I want anymore or what its going to take for me to figure it out again. I hate how strong I am and then how weak I suddenly become. It always happens in an instant. I went to bed angry. Furious at the world bc I can never feel the way I want to. But when I woke up this morning, things were different. Its hard for me to adjust. To go from being lied to, to not being lied to, to being lied to again, is hard. As much as I hate thinking about him, my ex bf was really good at making me feel secure. That guy had so many opportunities to lie, but never did. And if he did, then he was damn good at hiding it. Everything he ever said turned out to be the truth even tho I had a hard time believing it. He always proved me wrong. I remember I had this feeling in my gut like I was being lied to. So, me being paranoid and caring about being hurt too much, I decided to check it out.I hate saying this but I snooped through his phone ONE TIME while he was asleep. That was the last time I had ever done that because I realized there was no need for it to happen again. I found, nothing. In every text he would receive or send out, it was either talking great things about me or not saying anything that pertained to me at all. I even found a few texts from this girl. She was his best friend back home and they even dated a few months in the past. I was scared to read them but knew if I didn't then I would drive myself crazy just thinking about it. To my surprise, it was all good. He had took the liberty of going out of his way to tell her that since he was with me, they could no longer be close. To my surprise, she agreed. She was very respectful and not once said anything negative towards me. She never talked bad about me or called me hurtful things like a "manipulating bitch".I wish every guy could treat his gf how he did to me with that whole situation. I even had the chance to meet her and hang out with her when he took me back home with him to meet his family.It was nice to know that he didn't tell her that bc I had asked him to or forced him, he did it because he wanted to. Bc he knew I was important enough, more important than her. It was even nicer that she agreed too bc she then knew her place in his life.it wasn't I who had to tell her, just by him taking it upon himself, gave it all away. There were times where he would do a lot of those things without me even having to ask him. He would always talk about me, even when ppl would ask a simple question that had nothing to do with me. He always brought me in on whatever the conversation was. He was proud to show me off to his friends and family. After he made me his gf, he switched everything and made it all about me. I had never had that before. In the past,It seemed like it would take months or even me asking for them to change things.I just want to have that secure, confident feeling again. But not with him. I just want to feel beautiful again and important. I wanna be first in a persons life again and have things done for me because someone wants me to be happy. I don't ever wanna feel insecure with myself bc I know who I am and I know what I have to offer. He knew exactly what he had. He reminded me everyday. Even if he didn't speak it, he showed it. I know towards the end, things just got crazy, but in the beginning everything was great. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Like I said, I don't even want to think about him.I just feel like remembering is the only comfort I have right now. That one point in my life, someone picked me up and carried me around on a pedistool.I want that again. This time, I want him picked up and carried around with me. I admit I have a lot of things I need to change about myself, but why do that if there's no guarantee it will even be worth it. Just scared of the unknown.and my biggest fear this time around is being lied to, once again.I would hate to be with someone who can lie to me. Especially since I know I'm capable of finding someone who is nothing but honest with me from the start.I finally felt what it was like to trust someone with my heart and soul, why would I want to turn back now and have the exact opposite? I think I'm worthly of the truth always, don't you?
Fuck tears. I hate crying. I'd rather take 50 drowsy pills before I allow myself to go to sleep crying.goodnight.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


So I'm watching tv and I just heard this...
"If its on paper, then its the truth"
Is that really true? If u think about it, I think that statement is true. If someone can write something down on paper, either hand write or type it up and give it to someone,then I think most of it is the truth. When people write things, most of them are in this state of mind where their main focus is on whatever it is they are writing about. Like for instance right now, how I'm typing this. My focus is on this right now. I'm trying to express myself and my thoughts on what I just heard. Everything I'm saying is true. So therefore, I believe that "if its on paper, its true" or partially sometimes. Idk why I decided to write about this and maybe I don't even make sense but I just had to let that out.
What do you think? Do u think if its on paper, then its the truth?
I hate how hard it is to open up a lil pack of medicine. When the pills are wrapped in those plastic things with the paper on the back. It tells u to fold along a crease then pull, and when u do that the paper either rips a wrong way or it doesn't end up working. Your forced to pry the pills outta this thing. I don't even know what to call it so that's why I keep saying "thing". Uhh I'm very irritable today. I have a horrible headache. My body is freezing yet my head is extremely warm, not to mention its like over 100 degrees outside already! At least its cold in my room:) so I was supposed to go to my earth science class today but since I feel really sick, guess looking at rocks and diamonds will just have to wait till next weekend! I woke up this morning excited to see my niece and nephew. But when I got to my sisters they both were sleeping. Ben was asleep in his crib with his lil hand in his pants and andrea looked so peaceful except for the tissue sticking outta her nose:/ my poor lil princess had a bloody nose at like 5 in the morning. She gets scared and thinks that she has to continue to sleep with tissue even tho the bleeding has stopped. She's so cute:) so there I was, headache and all, forcing myself to eat a bowl of cereal which actually turned out to be delicious. I tried signing onto my skype account so I could see his face today, then finally after several different attempts I remembered my login information. He wasn't online tho:/ lameee. Then I decided to check out the price of my math book I have to buy to see how much it is. 149! You've gotta be kidding me! You know how many pairs of shoes I can buy with that money! Ughhh I can't believe it! Then just when I thought things couldn't get anymore worse for me, my sister comes out and tells me I can go home. She gave me the day off, but I still had to wake up from my beauty sleep earlier, go to her house, and then have her finally tell me I can leave! Uhhh!:/ I'm so tired. I hate feeling like poo!I also hate bitching but since I have a great enough reason, shoot why not! Now I'm here laying in bed all alone. Coughing up my lungs, wiping the nasty boogers from my nose and feeling like I'm on a bad roller coaster ride where I keep bumping my head against the rail. All I'm feeling up there is booom boooom boooom!:( no ones home and I feel so alone. Then aain I am. Haha I hate being sick. I'm hungry but then I'm not. I'm just a really confused individual right now. I took some drowsy medicine. Probably shouldn't have but it was the only way that I could put myself outta misery! They say the best cure for sickness is sleep! Efff those fluids the docs always drill you about! I probably should drink some more tho, I am feeling mighty thristy! I'm hoping to take a longgg nap, wake up eat, and then nap again! Thank god I don't have school tomorrow or work! If I'm sick tomorrow then no big deal. Sucks that I'll be wasting a perfectly good friday, but ohh well! I could really use the break and excuse to lay down in bed all day.its nice being waited on and take care of when I'm sick, that's why right now sucks bc no ones here to answer any of my requests:/lame!anyway I've babbled enough. Time to watch some tv and hopefully get really sleepy.ohh my dear lifetime, what would I do without you:)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

carter twins-heart like memphis:)

"she sleeps with the tv on
Wakes up dreaming he came home
Won't lay on his side of the bed
Too many memories in her head
No one knows
When she cries
All alone in the night
They just think she's alright
Cause she's got a smile like california
She's got a spirit like new orleans
Eyes like the lights of new york city
Cool as a carolina breeze
But underneath she's got a heart like memphis
She puts on a new dress
She goes out
She turns all the boys heads
That's as close as they get
As they're ever gonna get"

Just came on my ipod as I lay here trying to fall asleep:)I love this song.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Finally got the email I've been so desperately waiting for. I woke from a nap to find an email in my inbox. As I clicked on the mailbox icon on my phone, my heart dropped. My stomach fell and a smile appeared on my face. An email from him. Who would have known something so little could give me anxiety within seconds. It was everything I wanted and more. Just to hear what he had to say and knowing it was him who was saying it, made that email so great.I can't wait to get another one again! I'm hoping it will happen when I'm having a bad moment or something so then the minute it comes, the bad can get washed away.I'm so happy right now. Not even words can describe. The only other person who knows how I'm feeling right now is God. Just God and I:)

wow! amazing.

I find it amazing how you think you know a person. Turns out you sometimes don't. You can spend every minute of your spare time with them, but they can still turn out to be a weirdo.from my past relationships, mutual friends have always been a problem. Whenever a guy and I would break up, he'd still talk to my friends bc they were both mine and his. I thought it was a good thing that my last boyfriend didn't know any of my friends so then his friends could stay his and mine could stay mine.bad thought. Turns out him not knowing anyone was kinda a bad thing bc the only one who knew him was me. there were a lot of signs i did not see. i began noticing them just this past month. we weren't together very long, it turned 2 months on august 18th. i felt held down and controlled. at first i thought it was me, being paranoid or something bc i have those natural instincts, but no. turns out i was right. i found myself drifting from my friends and staying in on the weekends. my social life had fallen and the only other person i had was him. whenever i'd ask him to take me out, it turned into an argument. an argument about why i always have to go out. how am i always going out if i'm staying in all the time? it just made no sense. even when we would go out, an argument would happen bc i wasn't showing him enough attention around my friends or whatever guy friend i hugged was all of a sudden my new "secretive boyfriend" or something. it makes me sick to even think that i wasted so much time explaining myself. i wasn't even doing anything wrong. sure we had some really great times. he treated me good for the most part but im telling you, things started becoming weird. it was almost like an obsession. i don't know how else to describe it. when i first met him, he wasn't the jealous type at all. i could seriously dance at a club with a random dude with him five feet away. the reason i know this is bc i did already. he was fine. but as our relationship progressed, his jealousy came out. it honestly scared me. i decided to take some time for myself now. i realized that whenever he would say he loved me, it just freaked me out. i cared about him but i was never in love with him. i can honestly say that i have been in love 2 times before. the first time to was a boy my freshmen and sophomore year of high school and second was recently to my ex boyfriend. i'm telling you, a person knows whenever another person isn't right. there was definitely something going on up there in his mind. when i broke things off, instead of him handling things maturely, i soon saw the complete opposite.he started telling people how easy i was to get over yet a few minutes before then he had called me crying and begging for another chance. i was like...wow dude. i thought he was very mature for his age. that's one of the things i really liked about him when we first met. but once again, i was wrong. its just really sad that people pretend to be something their not. i had to be honest with myself as well as with him. i told him i was still in love with my ex. he had a fit. at least he knows the truth though right? i felt bad at first but now i know i made the right choice. like i said...it had just turned two months and look how he was getting with me already...becoming jealous and cursing up a storm at me. imagine what it would have been like to break things off with him a year or so later? i'm thankful i saw the signs now rather than later...the only advice i can give someone based off of my experience with this situation is to really get to know the person you are with before you start bringing them around to meet your family and your friends.


I've never checked my email this many times before.I have a blackberry and even though my email account is set up so that whenever I get a new email it will send it directly to my phone, I still feel like I should double check, just in case my stupid phone doesn't notify me. I'm so anxious. I get nervous just thinking about what the email will say. Will he admit he misses me? Will he tell me he loves me still? Will he still want me after everything I put him through over the past 4 months? Even after the year and a half of our relationship? As I lay here, still and quiet in my bed wrapped in my blankets, I wonder where he is right now and what he is doing. Have I crossed his mind at all today? If so, how long did it stay in his mind, and how often did the thought of me come? What is it he thought about if he did think about me. I have so many thoughts yet they only seem to come into my mind whenever I lay here alone. My room is cold, yet the empty and nervous feeling leaves my body in a sweat which makes up for it.I wish I could fall asleep but I think this is gods way of punishing me. He wants me to lay and have these ideas and thoughts rot my mind.I literally feel like an apple being invaded my hundreds maybe even thousands of ants. My brain is the apple and these questions are the ants overlapping my mind and consuming my thoughts. I'm lost for words. All I know is..I wish you were here. I pray that whatever my future brings, you will be the center of it and I will be the center of yours too.

Monday, August 23, 2010

this very minute

I am driving in the car listening to drop the world by Lil wayne and eminem and a thought came to mind.. Life can end any minute.I remembered a time when I was driving with my mom and younger sister on a night just like this. We were at a signal light,stopped, waiting for the light to turn green. Just as we were making our left hand turn, a car was approaching and instead of stooping, it just kept coming toward us. At that moment the car swirved from side to side and all I remember was the look on my sisters face and the trembling of my moms hands as she started to drive the car out of harms way. It was the weirdest feeling. I was so blessed to be alive. It was like we were touched by an angel. I don't know why I thought of this but maybe it was the song I'm listening to and the fact that its just an angry song. I'm happy with the life I live. I'm stuck with it:) wish I could change some things in my favor but there's reasons for why its not the way I wish it could be. I just love the feeling of driving with the windows down, my hair flying everywhere and music playing in my ear.just thought I would share:)


Why does such a thing have to exist?
Curled up in a ball with the jacket I slept with every night. Seemed like the right thing to do.
Still has a scent on it. The scent doesn't belong to me.
Therefore, it belongs to...


Friday, August 13, 2010


The best part about being young, is being happy and feeling free. As we get older, life will only get harder, so now that times are easy for most, we should all just enjoy it. We need to smile and laugh..surround ourselves with friends and family;ppl we love! We need to stop worrying about dumb shit already! Let's just have fun feeling the freedom:) we are all truly blessed whether we believe that or not.

just a thought..

its weird to think that life is simply but a breath. our time can come any second of anyday. everyone is dying every second, every minute. we are all getting closer to our time. its kinda scary if you really think about it. i find myself sitting there just amazed that life wont last forever. sure, we will go up to heaven but who will we be, what will we be? will we be afraid?happy?sad?peaceful? no one knows and thats what makes dying so scary because its a mystery and no one will ever know until the day it happens. we take things for granted. we complain and stress over the littlest things. we never take the time to sit back and enjoy the life we were blessed with. you hear about people trying to end their life and its so sad. no matter how hard life gets, we were blessed with a new day. why take that away?i just dont understand. we never take the time to thank our loved ones for being there for us. we never give enough hugs or kisses. we hardly express the way we feel about another person, who is also living at this very moment.i've always wanted to have children. sure im only 20 years old, and to some thats far too young to even be thinking about kids but to me, it brings a smile to my face imagining it. i want a big family. ive always wanted a big family. but lately ive been reconsidering. seeing what this world is coming to, makes me scared. why would i want someone to live for? this world is coming to an end whether people want to admit it or not. its only going to get worse year after year.i dont know why i keep thinking about this. i guess i just feel like i havent told the people i love that i love them. everyday i fear i wont ever see them again. maybe i sound a lil freaky right now, but i think its important for people to really think about this. maybe then we will be content with the thought of death. i just hope we all get there, and our souls can live in eternity together:)

Thursday, August 12, 2010


i decided to make a new blog! i missed writing and saying anything i wanted. this time theres no holding back. if i offend anyone then forget you! no ones making you read this! i cant wait to write down my every thoughts. ive been doing a hell of a lot of thinking lately so it'll be nice to finally write it all out. cant wait to get the ball rolling and fill my page up with interesting ideas and opinions of my very own:)