Friday, August 27, 2010

who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?

I hate being sick for the simple fact that I'm stuck right here, forced to lay in my bed. My body aches and all systems shut down. One minute I feel energy, then the next its gone. Picking up my head or adjusting my pillows takes so much out of me.I hate the feeling of being trapped. That's exactly how I feel, trapped in my room.I'm downing my body with cranberry juice and water, not really sure if that's going to help. But the idea of it making me recover faster, brings comfort to my heart. My brother and younger sister brought me food earlier and it made my day. My sister picked a rose for me and brought it to my room in a vase. Makes me smile just looking at it and even though by tomorrow it will be dead, its still beautiful while it lasts.the little thoughts are what count the most to me.I have to be honest, my heart is minute it was alive just like that rose, but since all beautiful things can't last forever, it died. I'm confused with everything. I don't even know what it is I want anymore or what its going to take for me to figure it out again. I hate how strong I am and then how weak I suddenly become. It always happens in an instant. I went to bed angry. Furious at the world bc I can never feel the way I want to. But when I woke up this morning, things were different. Its hard for me to adjust. To go from being lied to, to not being lied to, to being lied to again, is hard. As much as I hate thinking about him, my ex bf was really good at making me feel secure. That guy had so many opportunities to lie, but never did. And if he did, then he was damn good at hiding it. Everything he ever said turned out to be the truth even tho I had a hard time believing it. He always proved me wrong. I remember I had this feeling in my gut like I was being lied to. So, me being paranoid and caring about being hurt too much, I decided to check it out.I hate saying this but I snooped through his phone ONE TIME while he was asleep. That was the last time I had ever done that because I realized there was no need for it to happen again. I found, nothing. In every text he would receive or send out, it was either talking great things about me or not saying anything that pertained to me at all. I even found a few texts from this girl. She was his best friend back home and they even dated a few months in the past. I was scared to read them but knew if I didn't then I would drive myself crazy just thinking about it. To my surprise, it was all good. He had took the liberty of going out of his way to tell her that since he was with me, they could no longer be close. To my surprise, she agreed. She was very respectful and not once said anything negative towards me. She never talked bad about me or called me hurtful things like a "manipulating bitch".I wish every guy could treat his gf how he did to me with that whole situation. I even had the chance to meet her and hang out with her when he took me back home with him to meet his family.It was nice to know that he didn't tell her that bc I had asked him to or forced him, he did it because he wanted to. Bc he knew I was important enough, more important than her. It was even nicer that she agreed too bc she then knew her place in his wasn't I who had to tell her, just by him taking it upon himself, gave it all away. There were times where he would do a lot of those things without me even having to ask him. He would always talk about me, even when ppl would ask a simple question that had nothing to do with me. He always brought me in on whatever the conversation was. He was proud to show me off to his friends and family. After he made me his gf, he switched everything and made it all about me. I had never had that before. In the past,It seemed like it would take months or even me asking for them to change things.I just want to have that secure, confident feeling again. But not with him. I just want to feel beautiful again and important. I wanna be first in a persons life again and have things done for me because someone wants me to be happy. I don't ever wanna feel insecure with myself bc I know who I am and I know what I have to offer. He knew exactly what he had. He reminded me everyday. Even if he didn't speak it, he showed it. I know towards the end, things just got crazy, but in the beginning everything was great. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Like I said, I don't even want to think about him.I just feel like remembering is the only comfort I have right now. That one point in my life, someone picked me up and carried me around on a pedistool.I want that again. This time, I want him picked up and carried around with me. I admit I have a lot of things I need to change about myself, but why do that if there's no guarantee it will even be worth it. Just scared of the unknown.and my biggest fear this time around is being lied to, once again.I would hate to be with someone who can lie to me. Especially since I know I'm capable of finding someone who is nothing but honest with me from the start.I finally felt what it was like to trust someone with my heart and soul, why would I want to turn back now and have the exact opposite? I think I'm worthly of the truth always, don't you?

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