I wonder if she got hers too?

:/ uhhh.I hate this.

Today is 9/11. I'll admit, I am so sad. In tears:(
When I was younger I didn't realize what any of this meant. I was just a little sixth grader getting ready for school one morning. Brushing my teeth,I remember seeing the tv screen filled with flames and smoke.I remember it like it was yesterday. So scary.
Now that I'm older and wiser, I realize a lot more. My 20 year old mind has more knowledge of what's going on around me compared to my little 11 year old mind. I hate this stupid war. I'm so angry with what's going on. I can't speak politics bc honestly I wouldn't know what I'm talking about but all I know is people have lost their lives bc of this.
Not to mention ronnie being a part of it. Risking his life being around those crazy bastards everyday and for what?? This is never going to stop. Just bring him home already. Give him and the other men and women a chance to start their lives. He's so young, hasn't even had a chance to start his life with me. If something ever happened, I swear I would truly hate this world. I thank god for him everyday. He's so brave. I've never met anyone like him before. I'm so thankful he's in my life again. I love him so much. I worry about him everyday. It kills me knowing that the only reason we are apart is because of all of this. Why did he have to leave? Why couldn't he just be here with me.
I love you so much. Thank you for all that u are doing. You are so strong and so brave. I can't wait to marry you ronnie. Please be safe. And once again thank you baby for everything ur risking just to make sure these people, who don't even deserve it most of the time, can have a safe world to live in. When you come back from hell, I'll make sure you have a life as perfect as heaven.
I love you.

So I'm kinda upset right now. I had a really interesting dream. It felt so real. When I woke up, I was happy to be dreaming. All I remember was running, and ending no where. I'm curious to know how it ended. Did I die from those gang members chasing me or did I find a good enough hiding place for them to just give up on looking for me? Hmmm... I really hate it how some of my dreams never end and leave me wondering what happened. I wish I could know or at least close my eyes and pick up right where it last left off. Wouldn't that be crazy if everyone could alter the ending to our dream? That would be so very cool..now I lay here in my bed, contemplating whether or not I should call. I went to bed sad last night bc of what was said. If there's other girls, then why can't there be other boys? Just doesn't seem right. Maybe I'm way in over my head with everything. I don't like the immediate insecure feeling I got from our conversation last night. Why would his friend ask if he was talking to chelsea? Really? Maybe I do need some time to really think about this. If someone comes along the way and I find interesting, then why not give it a chance? I can't keep feeling like this with him. It brings back way too many old thoughts and feelings. So many questions unanswered. I don't even think its worth asking. Who knows if the answer will be true or not..looks like I have a lot on my plate right now. Like I said, the only solution would be to give it time. Time will tell, where I'll end up:/

greattttt

That horrible pain is back in my stomach:( I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I'm worried now. I told my mom what was going on bc I couldn't take it anymore. The pain grew and intensified:/ she joked about me possibly being prego. I didn't think that was funny at all. It actually made me more worried. But I know its not that. I think there's honestly something wrong with me:( time to go get this checked out:( I'm scared. What if they tell me something I don't wanna hear??:(

who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?

I hate being sick for the simple fact that I'm stuck right here, forced to lay in my bed. My body aches and all systems shut down. One minute I feel energy, then the next its gone. Picking up my head or adjusting my pillows takes so much out of me.I hate the feeling of being trapped. That's exactly how I feel, trapped in my room.I'm downing my body with cranberry juice and water, not really sure if that's going to help. But the idea of it making me recover faster, brings comfort to my heart. My brother and younger sister brought me food earlier and it made my day. My sister picked a rose for me and brought it to my room in a vase. Makes me smile just looking at it and even though by tomorrow it will be dead, its still beautiful while it lasts.the little thoughts are what count the most to me.I have to be honest, my heart is broken.one minute it was alive just like that rose, but since all beautiful things can't last forever, it died. I'm confused with everything. I don't even know what it is I want anymore or what its going to take for me to figure it out again. I hate how strong I am and then how weak I suddenly become. It always happens in an instant. I went to bed angry. Furious at the world bc I can never feel the way I want to. But when I woke up this morning, things were different. Its hard for me to adjust. To go from being lied to, to not being lied to, to being lied to again, is hard. As much as I hate thinking about him, my ex bf was really good at making me feel secure. That guy had so many opportunities to lie, but never did. And if he did, then he was damn good at hiding it. Everything he ever said turned out to be the truth even tho I had a hard time believing it. He always proved me wrong. I remember I had this feeling in my gut like I was being lied to. So, me being paranoid and caring about being hurt too much, I decided to check it out.I hate saying this but I snooped through his phone ONE TIME while he was asleep. That was the last time I had ever done that because I realized there was no need for it to happen again. I found, nothing. In every text he would receive or send out, it was either talking great things about me or not saying anything that pertained to me at all. I even found a few texts from this girl. She was his best friend back home and they even dated a few months in the past. I was scared to read them but knew if I didn't then I would drive myself crazy just thinking about it. To my surprise, it was all good. He had took the liberty of going out of his way to tell her that since he was with me, they could no longer be close. To my surprise, she agreed. She was very respectful and not once said anything negative towards me. She never talked bad about me or called me hurtful things like a "manipulating bitch".I wish every guy could treat his gf how he did to me with that whole situation. I even had the chance to meet her and hang out with her when he took me back home with him to meet his family.It was nice to know that he didn't tell her that bc I had asked him to or forced him, he did it because he wanted to. Bc he knew I was important enough, more important than her. It was even nicer that she agreed too bc she then knew her place in his life.it wasn't I who had to tell her, just by him taking it upon himself, gave it all away. There were times where he would do a lot of those things without me even having to ask him. He would always talk about me, even when ppl would ask a simple question that had nothing to do with me. He always brought me in on whatever the conversation was. He was proud to show me off to his friends and family. After he made me his gf, he switched everything and made it all about me. I had never had that before. In the past,It seemed like it would take months or even me asking for them to change things.I just want to have that secure, confident feeling again. But not with him. I just want to feel beautiful again and important. I wanna be first in a persons life again and have things done for me because someone wants me to be happy. I don't ever wanna feel insecure with myself bc I know who I am and I know what I have to offer. He knew exactly what he had. He reminded me everyday. Even if he didn't speak it, he showed it. I know towards the end, things just got crazy, but in the beginning everything was great. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Like I said, I don't even want to think about him.I just feel like remembering is the only comfort I have right now. That one point in my life, someone picked me up and carried me around on a pedistool.I want that again. This time, I want him picked up and carried around with me. I admit I have a lot of things I need to change about myself, but why do that if there's no guarantee it will even be worth it. Just scared of the unknown.and my biggest fear this time around is being lied to, once again.I would hate to be with someone who can lie to me. Especially since I know I'm capable of finding someone who is nothing but honest with me from the start.I finally felt what it was like to trust someone with my heart and soul, why would I want to turn back now and have the exact opposite? I think I'm worthly of the truth always, don't you?

waiting...

I've never checked my email this many times before.I have a blackberry and even though my email account is set up so that whenever I get a new email it will send it directly to my phone, I still feel like I should double check, just in case my stupid phone doesn't notify me. I'm so anxious. I get nervous just thinking about what the email will say. Will he admit he misses me? Will he tell me he loves me still? Will he still want me after everything I put him through over the past 4 months? Even after the year and a half of our relationship? As I lay here, still and quiet in my bed wrapped in my blankets, I wonder where he is right now and what he is doing. Have I crossed his mind at all today? If so, how long did it stay in his mind, and how often did the thought of me come? What is it he thought about if he did think about me. I have so many thoughts yet they only seem to come into my mind whenever I lay here alone. My room is cold, yet the empty and nervous feeling leaves my body in a sweat which makes up for it.I wish I could fall asleep but I think this is gods way of punishing me. He wants me to lay and have these ideas and thoughts rot my mind.I literally feel like an apple being invaded my hundreds maybe even thousands of ants. My brain is the apple and these questions are the ants overlapping my mind and consuming my thoughts. I'm lost for words. All I know is..I wish you were here. I pray that whatever my future brings, you will be the center of it and I will be the center of yours too.