Saturday, October 30, 2010

So things are still very hard, but day by day its getting a little more easier to face. Its saturday which means tomorrow is the day I have to really get strong so I can attempt to go back to school this week. My professors are counting on me to be there and finish off the semester strong. I'm supposed to be graduating chaffey in may 2011, so I only have a little way to go. Ronnie was going to see me graduate:( there's no one else I would rather have there then him. I know he will be present with me that day, sitting in the stands smiling at me in spirit. Everyone says I have to make him proud. I know its what he wanted. One of our last conversations we were talking about school. I was having this dilemma about what I should do about my schedule, I remember he told me to stick it out, and work my ass off. He told me as much as he hates to say this military phrase, I have to learn to "adapt and overcome". Meaning, make any situation I am given work out, and then conquer it. I loved when he'd give such great advice. He was always motivating and encouraging.
He wanted to go back to school when he was out of the army. He either said go for an english degree to be a teacher, just like me:), or a business degree or a degree in journalism so he can be a writer. I thought it was a great plan for him. He asked me if I could help him and I remember laughing bc I knew he didn't even have to ask, I would have done it anyway. He even joked about me finishing his homework for him while he sits back, relaxes and watches tv or eats something. I'd always respond by saying huh that's what I'm gonna be doing while YOU finish YOUR homework:) then he'd just laugh his adorable laugh and I couldn't help but smile.
I always talked about how I couldn't wait to be his wife and complete my everyday tasks that wives do for their husbands. We always said we'd meet for lunch during our lunch breaks or I'd make dinner every night and we'd hardly go out to eat only for special days. I wanted to learn how to make his favorite meals, chicken and rice pilaf comes to mind. I know how to do the chicken but I told him I would ask his grandma to teach me how to make his rice. He was picky when it came to food, but so am I. He loves spaghetti but the kind with sauce that has no meat. He can eat chicken whenever, wherever as long as its chicken. On thanksgiving he didn't care for much of the food which meant I wouldn't have to slave over a hot stove all day. Even if I had to, I still wouldn't mind bc I loved the idea of feeding my babes stomach and making him happy to call me his wife.he only likes cake without frosting. He loved apple juice, mountain dew, and starbucks coffee in the glass bottles. It hurts me to know that I won't be able to pack him a lunch for work or school and slip a note in there for him to read:( I miss him. All I have left are these thoughts and memories. I'm blessed to even have at least those.
I remember the day of our first kiss. It was the summer of 2007. I was working at a dental office as an administrative assistant and he went to summer school. After school he walked to my work almost everyday and would bring me something to eat:) I remember one of those days, ashlee and I had to work in a different building to file away old charts and clean up the storage room. We used to call it "the dungeon" bc it was dark inside and you had to climb a million stairs just to get to the back door where we stayed working in there that entire summer. The only time we went back down to the main office which was on the opposite side of that building was for water or to grab something we needed. Ronnie visited this particular day and I will never forget it. He just pulled me close to him, put his arms around my waist, leaned in and kissed me. It was so funny bc ashlee walked in and walked back out haha it was a wonderful kiss:) we talked about it all the time. Not too long ago, I wanna say about 3 weeks ago, we just talked about that day. He made me so happy even way back then.
As you can probably tell,I have so many stories. I will share a lot more, I promise. So if u care to hear more then just wait. If there's anything u want to know and want me to explain, then ask me. Send me a message on FB and I will be happy to share my memories of him.
I love him with all my heart. My plan is to make him proud of me.I will accomplish most of my dreams because of him. He will always be my inspiration.

I love you ronnie.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

i think im ready..

To finally post something.

The love of my life: ronnie joseph pallares was killed on saturday october 23, 2010 at 3:00 am (from what I've been told). The last thing he was doing was laughing and smiling as he walked side by side with cruz vasquez. He was telling him about our camping trip we had planned for when he returned home in january. We planned to rent a cabin with our friends and spend the weekend just getting away from everything and everyone so we could finally spend our deserved time together. I was able to speak to cruz. He called me tuesday morning and told me exactly what happened.I was given peace of mind to find out that my handsome guy died instantly, free of pain and suffering. I miss him so much. Words can't even describe the way I feel. I'm so angry, hurt, broken. My heart needs him in order for it to be complete. Ronnie and I were meant to be,I just know matter what we did or said to eachother, we could never stay mad even if we wanted. This should have never happened. I literally just talked to him, sending him off the phone that morning with "I love you babe, be safe and have a careful mission today, call me when you get back, I love you chubb" and then boom, he's gone. No one to talk to or answer my calls. That morning I had this horrible feeling and I knew something was wrong. When he wasn't answering my calls, I just knew. That saturday afternoon as I'm walking out of the grocery store, the call that I never expected to get, I got. "Vanessa, ronnies dead". In that instant, I froze. My body, mind, was stopped at that moment. All I kept saying was " no, I don't believe it". The moment I saw and heard my mom cry out, it was then when I knew my life just changed. I was in shock. I went through different emotions that first day. I wouldn't eat or sleep or talk to anyone bc I was so mad at God for doing this to me and his friends and family.I literally got sick. The thought of it made my stomach was the worst feeling in the entire world.
So here I am now, just me. I feel very lonely and stressed out. How do I keep going from here? What everyone seems to forget is, ronnie was my love. He was supposed to be the guy I was going to marry. We talked about our future and made plans. Real plans and goals.if only people could hear just how excited he got whenever we talked about doesn't matter now bc I will never have any of that with him. And it breaks my heart and tears me up of the last conversations I had with him, we were talking about that. I can still hear his voice and everything he said to me. He was an amazing guy with such a powerful voice that everyone cared to listen to, especially me. The thing that instantly attracted me to him beyond his adorable, handsome face, was the way he could articulate his words and form these strong, powerful sentences. I miss that. I wish I could still hear his speeches:(
He was always so giving and loving. He loved his friends and family with his entire heart. His brother danny ray was his best friend. He loved him very much. He always talked about his mom. How strong of a woman she is and how truly proud he is of her and her accomplishments.he knew his mom was a woman who worked hard, he appreciated her for that. He loved his entire family and had stories for each of them as well as nicknames. He loved his friends and loved telling me stories about them from the past few years. One story he was very fond of was when him and the guys would share laughs in math class or play football together every friday after school. Everyone has shared at least a story or two with ronnie. We are all very fortunate to have had him in our lives.all I want is to hear his voice, but all I have left are voicemails or little clips of him sending me videos on the webcam, to listen to.
Ronnie and I met back in our junior year of high school. I knew who he was a lot earlier then that, but junior year is when I actually met him and talked to him. We had a class together, and if it wasn't for him walking over and sitting next to me, I don't know what would have happened. I'm so glad he did sit next to me. There's times where u have people in a class whom u hardly talk to. Ronnie was so mean to me in the beginning, but in a weird way, I liked it. He was interesting and fun to talk to. The first time we ever hung out outside of school was when we had went to the park to film a video for class. Once everyone left he stayed with me so I wouldn't be alone in the dark. I remember we had a talk about music and school. He always made me laugh. I'd get kind of embarassed to be honest just because I have this uncontrollable laugh sometimes that sounds really weird haha but if I would have known how much he would turn out to adore it, I wouldn't have been so hesitant to express it.
The summer of 2007, right before senior year, we liked each other and let it be known, finally! We spent hours on the phone and stayed up late all summer long until one day he was grounded for the phone bill. His grandma was very upset with the bill he ran up:/oops! Lol calls were to a minimum but visits, happened all the time! I didn't live very far from him driving distance, but walking, that's a different story.yes, he walked to my house just to see me and bring me letters and cd's. He would tell me I couldn't read or listen to then until after he was no where in sight. After he'd leave, I'd reach for those letters and read them over and over again. I still have them all as well as that cd he made for me with songs that he dedicated to me. I love reading them because they bring comfort to my now, broken heart.time went on, and we went our seperate ways. We both had someone new, but those feelings for each other never went away. As the end of senior year came near, graduation was slowly but surely approaching. Everyone was making their plans on where they were going to go to school or do with their lives after high school.I remember the day he told me he was going to the army. That was the day, I knew what had to be done.
I confessed my love for him, and in return, he confessed his too. We spent a lot of time together the week before he left, I will never forget those times. I saw him his last day. Spent time at his house talking to him, watching him play basketball with marquis, justin, and his brother. When it was time to say goodbye, I couldn't cry bc I knew I'd see him again.we wrote each other letters and he sent me things. I wrote him a letter everyday. When he finally returned home in december 2008, I went with his mom and brother to go pick him up from the airport. The smile on his face will stay with me everyday.
On december 12, 2008 at around 11 PM he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was at this time where he gave me my "proud army girlfriend" sweatshirt and a poem for me to read. I loved it. From that day on, everyday I fell more in love with him.
As perfect as things may seem, we had our moments. But we learned to overcome them and accept some things. He flew me out twice to go visit him in north carolina. My first plane ride and first time out of california was to go see him:) those 4 day weekends with him were so much fun. We got used to this cycle of seeing each other and then not seeing each other. But phone calls were always possible. Although he was 1000s of miles away, we made it work bc that's what two people do when they're in love; make any situation work.
We celebrated our one year anniversary apart:( we both went and got pizza, rented the same movie and watched it together while holding the phone to our ears and saying "hey babe, I love you" in between parts of the movie. We always did that. Whenever one of us would be eating something the other would go get the same exact thing and be eating it too:)
Ronnie and I shared so many other things, but that list will go on forever and truly make me cry. I miss him. Ronnie was the only person who knew about this blog. He read it everyday, but now that many of you know about what tragic situation occurred, I'm ready to share this with you. If you love ronnie, his family, his friends and his fiancee(yes, I am his fiancee) then continue sharing his memories. Tell the world what you know about ronnie. Pray and stay strong. Don't lose contact with those you love. Always tell someone you love them bc u never know when it'll be too late. That's honestly one thing that gives me peace... I know ronnie left this earth peaceful and content. Everyday I wished him a good, safe day and never forgot to tell him I loved him. My baby is gone and never coming back but what gives me a peaceful thought is knowing he no longer has to suffer or see ugly horrible things occur around him. He can now rest and even though I may not understand why god took him, I still want to thank him for keeping him and welcoming him home.
I love you ronnie joseph pallares:) your family is now my family. They accepted me and my family has accepted you. We accomplished the one thing we first wanted to:) I love you babe. RIP chubb.

Now, time for my tattoo and candle light vigil for my love:) see everyone tonight.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

These are the nights that remind me why I didn't want to stick around and wait.

I hate this.

Loneliness, dissapointment.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

God, please take away these crazy thoughts. I don't like them:/

Sunday, October 17, 2010

rainy days..

Are the best days to sit home, lay on ur bed curled up in a blanket, and listen to music.

Currently listening to jars of clay: I want to fall in love with you.

I want this song to play at my wedding:)

I want a variety of music actually. I was thinking.. During the dinner part I was slow relaxing music with instrumentals and everything. Then for the dance part I want everything! I was some old jams, mid jams, and new jams:) haha I can't wait for that day. It will be the happiest day of my life.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I miss my ronnie. I can't wait to kiss him. I love him so much that its hurting me inside being this far away from him for so long.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I couldn't be any happier right now. Finally, we're making moves. I'm so happy to be with him again. I'm determined to give this last shot all that I've got! I love him. Opportunities like this hardly ever come, so I need to cherish every moment I have. I never know when it will be my last. I love him with all of my heart. This is it! So bring it on!

Monday, October 4, 2010

tonight blows.

I'm trying to fall asleep but considering the long nap I took today, its hard for me to. I can't not being able to sleep. Forces me to lay here in bed..thinking:/

Saturday, October 2, 2010

im getting lots of practice. babysitting my niece and nephew over night:/ a little nervous to be doing it alone but heyy i have to practice somehow! i cant wait to be doing this for real. i think i will make a great mom:)