Thursday, October 28, 2010

i think im ready..

To finally post something.

The love of my life: ronnie joseph pallares was killed on saturday october 23, 2010 at 3:00 am (from what I've been told). The last thing he was doing was laughing and smiling as he walked side by side with cruz vasquez. He was telling him about our camping trip we had planned for when he returned home in january. We planned to rent a cabin with our friends and spend the weekend just getting away from everything and everyone so we could finally spend our deserved time together. I was able to speak to cruz. He called me tuesday morning and told me exactly what happened.I was given peace of mind to find out that my handsome guy died instantly, free of pain and suffering. I miss him so much. Words can't even describe the way I feel. I'm so angry, hurt, broken. My heart needs him in order for it to be complete. Ronnie and I were meant to be,I just know matter what we did or said to eachother, we could never stay mad even if we wanted. This should have never happened. I literally just talked to him, sending him off the phone that morning with "I love you babe, be safe and have a careful mission today, call me when you get back, I love you chubb" and then boom, he's gone. No one to talk to or answer my calls. That morning I had this horrible feeling and I knew something was wrong. When he wasn't answering my calls, I just knew. That saturday afternoon as I'm walking out of the grocery store, the call that I never expected to get, I got. "Vanessa, ronnies dead". In that instant, I froze. My body, mind, was stopped at that moment. All I kept saying was " no, I don't believe it". The moment I saw and heard my mom cry out, it was then when I knew my life just changed. I was in shock. I went through different emotions that first day. I wouldn't eat or sleep or talk to anyone bc I was so mad at God for doing this to me and his friends and family.I literally got sick. The thought of it made my stomach was the worst feeling in the entire world.
So here I am now, just me. I feel very lonely and stressed out. How do I keep going from here? What everyone seems to forget is, ronnie was my love. He was supposed to be the guy I was going to marry. We talked about our future and made plans. Real plans and goals.if only people could hear just how excited he got whenever we talked about doesn't matter now bc I will never have any of that with him. And it breaks my heart and tears me up of the last conversations I had with him, we were talking about that. I can still hear his voice and everything he said to me. He was an amazing guy with such a powerful voice that everyone cared to listen to, especially me. The thing that instantly attracted me to him beyond his adorable, handsome face, was the way he could articulate his words and form these strong, powerful sentences. I miss that. I wish I could still hear his speeches:(
He was always so giving and loving. He loved his friends and family with his entire heart. His brother danny ray was his best friend. He loved him very much. He always talked about his mom. How strong of a woman she is and how truly proud he is of her and her accomplishments.he knew his mom was a woman who worked hard, he appreciated her for that. He loved his entire family and had stories for each of them as well as nicknames. He loved his friends and loved telling me stories about them from the past few years. One story he was very fond of was when him and the guys would share laughs in math class or play football together every friday after school. Everyone has shared at least a story or two with ronnie. We are all very fortunate to have had him in our lives.all I want is to hear his voice, but all I have left are voicemails or little clips of him sending me videos on the webcam, to listen to.
Ronnie and I met back in our junior year of high school. I knew who he was a lot earlier then that, but junior year is when I actually met him and talked to him. We had a class together, and if it wasn't for him walking over and sitting next to me, I don't know what would have happened. I'm so glad he did sit next to me. There's times where u have people in a class whom u hardly talk to. Ronnie was so mean to me in the beginning, but in a weird way, I liked it. He was interesting and fun to talk to. The first time we ever hung out outside of school was when we had went to the park to film a video for class. Once everyone left he stayed with me so I wouldn't be alone in the dark. I remember we had a talk about music and school. He always made me laugh. I'd get kind of embarassed to be honest just because I have this uncontrollable laugh sometimes that sounds really weird haha but if I would have known how much he would turn out to adore it, I wouldn't have been so hesitant to express it.
The summer of 2007, right before senior year, we liked each other and let it be known, finally! We spent hours on the phone and stayed up late all summer long until one day he was grounded for the phone bill. His grandma was very upset with the bill he ran up:/oops! Lol calls were to a minimum but visits, happened all the time! I didn't live very far from him driving distance, but walking, that's a different story.yes, he walked to my house just to see me and bring me letters and cd's. He would tell me I couldn't read or listen to then until after he was no where in sight. After he'd leave, I'd reach for those letters and read them over and over again. I still have them all as well as that cd he made for me with songs that he dedicated to me. I love reading them because they bring comfort to my now, broken heart.time went on, and we went our seperate ways. We both had someone new, but those feelings for each other never went away. As the end of senior year came near, graduation was slowly but surely approaching. Everyone was making their plans on where they were going to go to school or do with their lives after high school.I remember the day he told me he was going to the army. That was the day, I knew what had to be done.
I confessed my love for him, and in return, he confessed his too. We spent a lot of time together the week before he left, I will never forget those times. I saw him his last day. Spent time at his house talking to him, watching him play basketball with marquis, justin, and his brother. When it was time to say goodbye, I couldn't cry bc I knew I'd see him again.we wrote each other letters and he sent me things. I wrote him a letter everyday. When he finally returned home in december 2008, I went with his mom and brother to go pick him up from the airport. The smile on his face will stay with me everyday.
On december 12, 2008 at around 11 PM he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was at this time where he gave me my "proud army girlfriend" sweatshirt and a poem for me to read. I loved it. From that day on, everyday I fell more in love with him.
As perfect as things may seem, we had our moments. But we learned to overcome them and accept some things. He flew me out twice to go visit him in north carolina. My first plane ride and first time out of california was to go see him:) those 4 day weekends with him were so much fun. We got used to this cycle of seeing each other and then not seeing each other. But phone calls were always possible. Although he was 1000s of miles away, we made it work bc that's what two people do when they're in love; make any situation work.
We celebrated our one year anniversary apart:( we both went and got pizza, rented the same movie and watched it together while holding the phone to our ears and saying "hey babe, I love you" in between parts of the movie. We always did that. Whenever one of us would be eating something the other would go get the same exact thing and be eating it too:)
Ronnie and I shared so many other things, but that list will go on forever and truly make me cry. I miss him. Ronnie was the only person who knew about this blog. He read it everyday, but now that many of you know about what tragic situation occurred, I'm ready to share this with you. If you love ronnie, his family, his friends and his fiancee(yes, I am his fiancee) then continue sharing his memories. Tell the world what you know about ronnie. Pray and stay strong. Don't lose contact with those you love. Always tell someone you love them bc u never know when it'll be too late. That's honestly one thing that gives me peace... I know ronnie left this earth peaceful and content. Everyday I wished him a good, safe day and never forgot to tell him I loved him. My baby is gone and never coming back but what gives me a peaceful thought is knowing he no longer has to suffer or see ugly horrible things occur around him. He can now rest and even though I may not understand why god took him, I still want to thank him for keeping him and welcoming him home.
I love you ronnie joseph pallares:) your family is now my family. They accepted me and my family has accepted you. We accomplished the one thing we first wanted to:) I love you babe. RIP chubb.

Now, time for my tattoo and candle light vigil for my love:) see everyone tonight.

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