when your tears no longer affect a guy or make him want to do everything in his power to make sure one never drops down your cheeks again, is the greatest reason for why u should let go. for the longest time i felt that this is exactly where i needed to be. i had so much to be thankful for and everything was more than perfect. i felt that if ronnie were standing right before me he would say that this is exactly where i should be. i felt like he would have approved of all my decisions ive made within these past few months but now i sit here feeling like maybe im wrong about that entire idea. i almost feel like he would be pissed off. not at anyone else but me. i feel like he would be so disappointed to know that someone who once made me happy again when he no longer could, is only causing me so much pain and loneliness then ever before. i feel like if he were here he would only want to just hug me and tell me that i need to start realizing what i want in life. even though hes gone i know hes looking down rooting for me. i feel like if he were here he would help to make me realize that i dont deserve this. after all he has put me through when we had a relationship i feel like he wouldnt want me to ever go through the same stuff again. the last time i saw him he cried to me apologizing for all the wrong he has ever done and all the pain he has ever caused for me. he said that even though he can never bring back the tears that have fallen, he can only make sure to never be the cause for another to fall again. that my friends is what i call a guy who really cares about you. the last time a tear ever fell from my eyes because of him was the day i found out i would never see him again in this lifetime....
so now what? finding out the things i have only make me wanna die inside. i dont understand why someone who has gone through entirely too much, is suddenly being put through this. god isnt doing this to punish me, i think hes doing it so when the next best thing walks into my life, i will appreciate it so much more. i feel like he wants me to turn to him again and beg him for some help. i think that once i do that the lord will bless me but this time bless me with something thats worth thanking him for. for months i woke up everyday thanking him for what he has done in my life and the love he has given to me but now my mind has way too many questions that still havent been answered. i no longer thank him, i just wake up or go to bed asking why? i really want to know why someone who wasnt even looking for love, found it and on days wants to give it all back. sometimes it would be alot easier if i only had myself to worry about.
the truth really does hurt...
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