Monday, January 17, 2011

I can't even begin to describe how I feel today. As I'm sitting here thinking about this entire break I realize how much I truly needed this time away from school. So much happened this month. I survived the holidays...Christmas Eve Christmas day new years Eve, new years day which is my moms birthday, my 21st birthday. All without him:( it was incredibly hard but I'm so thankful for all of the support that people have given me. I'm very glad to have so many great people in my life. Because of him, so many have reached out to me. They check up on me daily, they come by to visit me, and they always let me know that they are here for me and thinking of me. I know they are making ronnie happy. They are being true people by taking care of me and I know he is happy and smiling. There are still some disrespectful people who say or do hurtful things but all I'm left to do is pray for them. I do pray for them. Its amazing how close I have grown with God. The beginning I was so angry at him but now I'm at peace. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments where I question him and his plans for me but I have my faith again. That's really important and I truly believe that it is him who is giving me the strength to wake up get out of bed, put my face on and go about my day. Its hard, but it is always done. I'm doing it for myself as well as ronnie and God. I want people to respect me, look up to me in some sort of way. Ronnie would always tell me how strong of a woman I was.if only people could have heard the way he would tell me. He believed in me and knew I could handle anything. He even admitted that is why he picked me. And I believe him. I believe he chose me out of everyone bc he knew that no matter what obstacles we faced, we would pull through and make it. We made it! Maybe not to the ending I wished so much for, but we came very the end that God had planned for us. That's why when someone does something that hurts me or gets me thinking I have peace knowing that ronnie can see everything now. He knows who is a true person and who isn't. I know he sees me trying with people and putting myself out there. The ones who aren't accepting me, fine. All I know is that my love knows the real me. He sees me and sees me trying to have a relationship with certain people. I know he would be makes me sad knowing that he would truly be upset to see how some people are being. This is a time to stick together, not drift apart. That's why it is so important to me to have a relationship still with his family. They were going to be my family! I always want them a part of my life and I'm always going to be here for each of them. But there's only so much I can do. Just like ronnie would tell me "there's only so much you could do until its time for a person to meet you halfway.if its important to them, they will come around". I believe him. I wont give up though bc I know he wouldn't want me to do that. I want to make him proud. People say he will be looking down smiling and saying "that's my girl". I pray he is saying that. Everything I do for people or say to people is true and genuine. I'm trying to be the best person I can be because he's watching now. I want him to look down and see the girl he fell in love with helping others while trying to help herself. I heard this quote and it stuck with me. It went something like... a woman is someone who can stay strong for others when her world is falling apart while trying to stay strong for herself. I believe that so much and I want to live by that bc ronnie saw something in me that he had never seen in any other girl before. I know that he saw it as well as our closest friends and family members but now I want the world to see it too.I will reveal to everyone the woman ronnie fell in love with.

With god all things are possible...

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