Tuesday, January 4, 2011

mornings i wake up asking...

why in the fuck did I wake up?

It still doesn't make any sense to me. Why is it that dumb idiots still get to live their life while smart and amazing people have lost theirs. I literally wake up every morning or everytime I take a nap and ask myself why did I get to wake up yet the love of my life doesn't. I feel like my entire inside has been taken out of me. I have become completely numb. I feel no other emotion regarding others. I can careless about what other people are going through right now BC all that has taken over my mind is the way I'm feeling. I can't even describe how much my life has changed and how much it will continue to change. I have always wanted to have lots and lots of babies but not anymore. I no longer want a reason to live. I just want to leave this earth before I even get the chance to move on with my life. Ronnie was my everything. I told him everyday. No matter what argument we were facing for the day we never wasted a minute to tell each other how much we meant to one another. Now that he's gone I can't even think straight. As I'm crossing the street I'm praying and hoping someone won't see me so then I can go with him. I know, kind of freaky right?? Coming from someone who loved her life and thought everything was perfect. You know what, everything was perfect. I truly had the world when I had him. I had someone who I loved and who loved me back. I had someone who made sure I was always happy no matter what it took for him to get us there. I had someone who wanted to marry me and make me the mother of his kids. I had everything. Now that my everything is gone and never coming back I now have nothing. I am completely empty inside. So if you are ever wondering how I'm doing just remember this...I am fuckin miserable without him and the day I go, just know it'll be the happiest day for me BC I will finally be with him again. He told me that as long as I wait for him, he will find his way back to me. I believe that. Ronnie wouldn't stop until I was his again. He loved calling me his beautiful girl. And boy don't I miss hearing it. Thankfully I have a saved voicemail with him calling me that so whenever I need to hear it, I give it a listen. I miss my chubb and he better miss me too! I know that if there was one place he wishes I could be, I bet it would be up there with him right by his side, where he always wanted me to be:) I love ronnie and I can't wait to see my handsome baby again:(

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