Monday, January 10, 2011

behind every smile, there are a thousand more tears.

What people fail to realize is that I'm hurting and in so much pain. Even though I may be smiling, it doesn't mean that later on in the day I won't be crying. When I wake up in the morning, I may at times feel strong. I'll put on my make up or style my hair but that doesn't express anything. Just because I appear fine and back to normal on the outside doesn't mean that on the inside I'm not hurting or wanting to scream bc the truth is I'm dying inside. The way I feel is completely indescribable and I'm at a loss for words. So please, the next time you see me out and appearing to be happy and okay, just take a second to realize that inside its a whole other ball game. I felt the need to say this just because I see the way people act when I am out with friends or shopping for clothes with the girls. I'm not an alien so don't look so surprised to see me out. Many who have seen me out said it was wonderful to see me getting some fresh air and to be honest i enjoy being out of the house every now and then bc when I'm not cooped up, my mind stays busy on other things rather then over analyzing this shitty situation the lord has brought before my very eyes. Just know that no matter what I'm doing, where I am, who I'm with,or what I appear like, I am always hurting! Always! And ronnie stays on my mind every second that passes me by.

I'm usually really good at expressing the way I feel but when it involves me trying to talk about ronnie, I can't. This has caused my world to be completely shaken and flipped upside down. I miss him! That's all I can really say right now. Even that simple phrase just isn't enough! It doesn't fully explain how I'm feeling. Its so much deeper then that. Oh God how I wish I could see him again. Its weird to think that one day there I was happy, talking to him telling each other I love you, then the next day he's gone. Its almost been 3 months. To me it feels like its been forever. I love him:( I hope and pray to God that ronnie sees and hears me everyday. I pray its him who is wiping my tears from my face or keeping me warm at night. I have hour long conversations with him and cry every time I don't hear a response. I still can't believe this. Sometimes it feels like he's going to call any minute or I'm going to get an adorable messsage or comment from him on Facebook. I miss that. I miss the good morning calls or the ones where he calls during his sleep just to tell me that he loves me. I remember I used to get so mad at him whenever he would ruin his sleep time just to call me. I wouldn't say mad, but I'd always scold him to go back to sleep then thank him for calling me afterward haha I drove that boy crazy and so did he. But I love him with all of me. I always have. No matter what went wrong during our relationship we always worked it out. There were many things we didn't agree on but he stopped at nothing to make sure he made me happy. That's why I know deep down in my heart that he w.ould want nothing more then for me to be happy. If I can't be happy for me then I have to be happy for him. Whenever I was sad he would always say 'baby, I'm not fighting for you to be sad. I'm fighting for you to be happy. Smile for me my beautiful girl." I miss him telling me things like this or coming up with the most adorable nicknames to refer to me as. I love him. I will always love him. And no one can ever take that away from me. I hold his heart, afterall, he did give it to me.he told me to hold onto it for him for "forever and seven days":)

I love you ronnie.

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