People keep saying... "I'm here for you, anything you need."
Well if that's the case, then why do I feel so alone? I feel alone although I know I'm not. Everyone is affected by this, yet I'm feeling it in different ways then other people. Just like they might be feeling it in ways I can't relate to. If this is the case then does this mean that I'm not the only one who feels alone??
I guess I'm feeling it a lot right now bc so much is going on. All I want is to talk to him about it bc I know he would be the one to really care to listen. Whenever I had a problem, he was the person I went to and he helped me so much. Just like when there were things he had to deal with or situations that brought him down, he turned to me to help pick him back up again. I miss him so much.
I keep listening to all the songs he told me that remind him of me:( it seems like every song is about the guy being gone yet still with his girl everywhere she goes. They talk about her having him forever and she being the only one he will ever love. I miss what him and I had. Things were not perfect, but they were still wonderful. We had something truly amazing. I don't think anyone could ever have what we did. We understood each other in different ways. We knew the littlest things about each other that not even our bestest friends knew. How do I know this? Well, because we told each other "no one knows this". No one will ever know.
I heard his voice when he was upset or scared. It stays with me and haunts me now:( I wake up at night wanting to call him but then I realize he won't be there to pick up the other end of the call. There were days when he would call me in the middle of his sleep saying things that I can't get out of my head till this day. The trembling in his voice was the worst of them all! I heard it all! I heard the things that no one knows about. It was my job as his girl to pick him up and encourage him to stay strong and focused. It was hard! So effin hard but I wouldn't change it for the world! I loved being the person who stood behind him and gave him the motivation he needed to go on! He always told me that he loved knowing he could call me when he was in the shittiest mood but know that when our conversation was over, he'd be in the best mood. Its true. It happened quite a lot actually. I could tell what type of mood he was in just by the way he said "hey baby". If it was a low tone then he was sad, if it was high then he was happy and excited or if it was an irritated tone then he was upset about something. I miss him so much! I just wanna scream! I wish he were still here! I wish I could hear his diffferent voices again! I wish I could pick him up when he's down or hold him up when he's already high! Like I said, things were not always so perfect, we had our share of ups and downs but all that matters is we both moved on from there. We let it come in between us for a little while but we worked through them bc nothing and NO ONE was worth getting in between what we shared.
We confessed so much to each other and told each other things that we were scared to admit but we did it bc it had to be done and we didn't want to lie to each other anymore. He told me things that killed me, literally stabbed my heart but I forgave him just like he forgave me. We cried then laughed bc we both decided to make it work. We loved each other. And that's what two people do when they are in love; they work out their problems.
We would have been happy and lived a happy healthy life together. We would have had a beautiful marriage filled with love and the love of our lord. Our kids would have been beautiful and mommy and daddy would have gave them anything their lil hearts desired. We would have had a beautiful home. Nothing too big or too expensive but somewhere to just raise our kids and just be happy. How do I know this??
Because we talked about it; all day, everyday. It was the one thing we both could mention and from then on our mood was the best it had been all day long.
I love him. No one knows how I feel unless their love has been taken from them in the blink of an eye too.