Saturday, November 20, 2010

today has been a good day..

Despite all of the unnecessary, immature drama that has been going on, today I have had one of the best days. I'll admit i have had a moment or two. I spent most of the day home alone by myself so I've definitely had my alone time to think and cry and scream! After that, I felt so much relief. My tears instantly washed away and as weird as it sounds, I felt him, finally!!

I sat in bed and put on my paramore dvd that he got me as a "just because" surprise gift. The minute our song came on, I cried and laid there feeling so helpless and sorry for myself:/ then something wonderful came over me. I felt this chill enter me and my skin soon displayed goosebumps. It was like a sign of him saying "cheer up crazy face" just like he would always tell me whenever I was down in the dumps about something. I soon smiled and starting singing along. I was crying and laughing all at the same time but it was a happy cry, a really good well-needed cry! I jumped outta bed, cleaned up my room, took a warm shower and jumped into my warm sweats. I ate some food and watched movies all day. All thanks to him! The thought of him, helped me switch my whole day around.

Since everything has happened, I haven't had the chance to sit down and watch tv. Well, not that I haven't had the chance, but more like I choose not to. Today, watching tv felt very good. There were a bajillionnn movies on, my favorites I might add. Anytime I felt a wave of emotion trying to bring me down, it was like he pushed it away or something. Before the wave could take me in, a memory of him filled my head as if he was the one putting the memory in my brain for me.

I had a wonderful conversation with my big sister today as well. We cried and laughed together. We talked about school and work and family life. We talked about my adorable niece and nephew whom I love so very much. Tomorrow is my niece andrea's 4th birthday! I love my lil mamas. I remember the first day she learned how to say ronnies name:) anytime I was on the webcam skyping him, she'd walk over and with a biggg smile on her face and her adorable little finger pointing at him on the computer screen, she'd say "ronnie!!" Haha he was so determined to have her call him "uncle ronnie." Everytime I handed her the phone to talk to him, he'd repeat "uncle ronnie, uncle ronnie" she learned it! But then forgot again! Haha that's expected of a 4 year old though. I have a video of her saying his name that I sent to him. He couldn't wait to see her when he got back home. Next time I visit his grave, I'm going to try to take her with me so she can visit him too:) he knew how much I adore my niece and nephew. He loved them and told me to always give them a hug and kiss for him. I did everytime! My big sister listened to me talk today, I was actually able to vent to someone and not feel hesistant about saying anything. Our conversation kind of reminded me of my conversations I'd have with ronnie. He was the only one who understood me and sat there and allowed me to say anything and everything I felt on my heart at that moment. He never passed judgement or scolded me. He listened with both ears and his entire soul and gave me real thoughts and helped me overcome the obstacle I was facing at that moment. He cared, truly cared about my feelings, the same way I did with his. When it was either one of our times to speak, we listened whole heartedly and although we weren't physically near each other, we could still feel the hug we gave whenever we'd say " I'm there with you babe, can you feel me?".

My sister inspired me a lot today. She made me realize a lot and now, finally, I have found a new motivation. I'm not going to say what it is, but I will say you all shall find out what it is soon enough:) I am very excited. I know he would be very proud of me for finding courage and strength.I remember that time when he told me that its going to be us against the world. It brought a smile to my face. I also found a message where he told me to not care what people think. Only his opinion should matter to me and only what he thinks of me is the only thing that matters. I will live by this. I want to make him proud of me. I know I will and I can. That's why this new inspiration of mine is going to be for him and for us. He always told me to be strong and never to forget to help out those who need help bc "I may just need them one day". After my conversation with my sister, I went on youtube and played this song. Ronnie visited a friend in her dreams. He asked her if she could give me a message. He began singing this song to her and she told me what song it was that he wanted me to listen to. I listened to it today:) it brought on the tears again but I couldn't help but be happy. The words were beautiful and full of inspriation. The song was absolutely AMAZING. It brought comfort to my heart. I'm very greatful that she told me about her dream. She didn't have to share but she did anyway. If you are reading this, then thank you so much!:)

My new mission and goal in life is to be there for those who need and want my help and encouragement. As long as people will let me be there for them, then I will be. Just like he always used to say "I will always love you and be here for you, for as long as you let me vanessa.":)

I miss him:/ I love him so much. I can't wait to make him proud!

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