Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My ipod was on shuffle this morning and these songs came on that remind me of him: halo-beyonce, super human- chris brown, and hold my hand-akon michael jackson. These songs all have reasons as to why they remind me of him. I remember when ronnie first got to north carolina after he graduated from basic training. He went through this beyonce/ chris brown phase. I think it had a lot to do with me liking them:) but anyway he bought both albums I forget the names of them. One day he sends me a text while he was working and I was at school. He told me to listen to these songs; halo and super human. He said that they remind him of me and they are his favorites off of their cds. I listened to them over and over again. Now when I hear them I can't help but think of that time I used to always play them. The song by akon reminds me of last year. I remember when he flew me out to be with him on his last four day weekend of the year right before deployment. I heard this song and yeah I liked it but it didn't actually stick with me until after I left north carolina. I had so many different emotions during that time. I was sad, happy, basically bi polar. Haha I listened to this song over and over on the plane rides home. Fayetteville to charlotte, charlotte to pheonix, pheonix to ontario. It was crazy how I felt.so now everytime I hear it, I just think of that entire weekend I spent with him. It was soo cold there. It was nice being able to cuddle and lay down with him all weekend. We were like a lil married couple living in our own place lol I remember I helped him clean his room and pack his bags for afghanistan:( we went grocery shopping haha well more like snack shopping lol we picked out movies together. I even helped him fill out papers at the PX for him so he can get approved for a military star card which is a fancy name for a credit card. I remember the lil old lady that helped us. She saw both of our rings on our left ring fingers and she asked how long we have been married:). We both smiled and ronnie looked at her and said we're not married, yet!! Lol she just laughed with us and complimented us on how cute we were. I won't ever forget that moment. It was perfect!! There were so many of those moments.people were always asking us how long its been or whens the wedding date?? Lol he always talked about our future. One of my last conversations I had with him he was rambling about how excited he was and he came up with this plan of how everything was gonna go.he told me he talked to his mom and grandma about it. He was excited to come home and tell his grandparents to their faces. He felt they deserved to be told the news in person. It was at that moment when I knew he was dead serious about his plan to marry me. I miss him and love him with my entire heart.

Today is another hard day for me. Woke up this morning and just wanted to fall back asleep. I wish I could sleep through everything. This pain I feel is unbearable at times. There are many moments where I flip the f*** out! I get all crazy on people. I don't have much patience lately. A lot of people are ignorant and annoying as hell. I am very bitter now and this opened my eyes to so many things people do and say that annoy me. Some don't even know what the hell they are talking about. They waste their time on dumb shit. Its like "how old are you" grow the hell up! Ahh it drives me crazy. There are so many ungreatful people and its just so sad. I would do anything just to have him back. I'm so sorry for those of you who have lost someone. This is the worst feeling in the world. When I think about my future now, I see nothing. Its so hard to live for the future when all I keep thinking is how in the hell I am going to get through the day. I know he would be very mad at me if he knew I was upset and crying. He hated when I was anything but happy. I can hear him now telling me smile babe, you're so beautiful when you smile mamas.:(
I miss him. That's an understatement.

Why did god take him away from us?? I just don't understand this at all. God heard everyday and everynight when ronnie would promise me he would be coming home. He always said he would be safe and to never worry bc he would be home soon. So why did god have to take him, why?

If he's so powerful and has a plan for everyone, then he must have known that this was going to cause so much pain and heartache. Why would he do this to us? I can't wait for the day I find out.

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