Wednesday, December 1, 2010

december 1st, 2010

No one knows how much I hate today. I'll hate tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that. I hate this entire month. I wish my life would just stop, today. I can't do this anymore. I can't act like I'm okay when I'm not. All I want to do is go already.sounds crazy and I sometimes can't believe I'm actually saying it, but I do. My life has stopped, and its hard to breathe!

He would have been coming home in a few weeks. Last I heard, he was scheduled to be returning hopefully a week before christmas. I was supposed to be there, standing at green ramp, awaiting his arrival. Best part, he wouldn't know I was there until he stepped off the plane. Yes, it would have been a surprise; a great one I might add:) How was I going to be able to pull this off? With the help of ronnies friend cruz. The soldier who flew to california to be here for the funeral. The brave guy who was there with my love the instance he died. The guy who was there for ronnie in ways that I couldn't be. The one who gave ronnie the hope that things would work out between us while we were broken up. The guy who prayed for ronnie every time they went out on a mission. The guy I owe so much to because he was a brother and loyal friend to my ronnie. In a strange way, I have this sisterly love for him simply because of everything he did for ronnie. I will forever be greatful of cruz.

I met cruz a few months ago. We never actually met in person until ronnies funeral services but I met him online through facebook. One day I got this random message from him.I knew who he was already because ronnie had some pretty funny stories about him and told me all of them when he came home on leave in august. He told me how he had this friend named cruz who gave him advice on how ronnie needs to clean his act up if he ever wants to get me back and be together again. For those of you who don't know, ronnie and I were broken up for 4 months during his deployment. Reasons for why are a whole other story and will come out sooner or later. But anyway cruz and i talked about ronnie and all he ever told me was how happy I made ronnie. We were planning a surprise. He told me he would like me to fly out to N.C.a day or two before they arrived so we could surprise ronnie. Every week he kept updating me on the date they were coming home and if something changed he let me know. I believe the date changed twice. Everytime it changed, it was for the better bc more and more time was being knocked down. First date was dec 27th, next date was a week before then. I was excited. I started planning things. His wife erica and I began talking. We exchanged phone numbers and began writing messages to each other. I was so excited to meet them and even more excited to surprise ronnie. He had no idea! Cruz and I kept it a good secret, now I'm wishing I would have told him bc till this day he still doesn't know what cruz had planned. Cruz wanted to do something nice for ronnie and told me that the best thing he could do for him was make sure I was there, outside the plane waiting for him to walk off and step foot in the US and me be the first person he sees. Cruz looked up flights and was making plans. I talked to my mom about it. It took a lot of convincing bc she's not too thrilled about me flying. Everytime I flew out there she couldn't sleep bc she worried so much. But this time it was different and she knew that. There was nothing I would have wanted more then to be there the minute he was home. I anticipated that day and imagined it. I found myself daydreaming and picturing what it was going to be like at that moment. Cruz opened his home to me, was going to let me stay there with him and his wife so I wouldn't have to worry about hotels and all that junk. He had it all planned out, it was just a matter of waiting to see when the final date would be so then I could buy my ticket and wait. Then everything happened and that's when that dream came crashing down. I finally met cruz, in person. But not the way I was supposed to meet him. I was supposed to meet him the day him and ronnie came home;together. Ronnie would have been there. He would have been the one to formally introduce me to him. I wasn't supposed to meet him at a hotel late one night, the day before ronnies memorial service. It was a weird feeling meeting him. He was like the last person I wanted to see bc ronnie wouldn't be there but also the only person I wanted to see. He was the closest thing to ronnie and if I couldn't see ronnie, he was the next best thing bc I know he was with ronnie at his last breath of life. Deep down I think ronnie knew he had something planned up his sleeve. Whenever ronnie and I would talk on the phone or on facebook, he would always say "cruz is smiling at me, why is he smiling at me babe?" And I'd reply by saying I didn't know. He'd always say "hmmm, sonethings going on here and you both aren't telling me". So I think he knew:)

Like I was saying before, december just won't be my month. It was supposed to be the greatest month but now that I won't see ronnie, I can careless about the stupid months to come. I am not looking forward to anything anymore bc who's to say that I'll even get to make it to whatever it is I have planned or am looking forward to. I'm stuck to live each day as it comes and I will no longer be planning ahead for anything. I don't see a point in it, most of the time you get let down anyway:/

Sorry if I depressed anyone, but that's honestly how I feel. I'm just not excited about life anymore.I know many of you are probably saying that ronnie wouldn't want me to be or feel this way but you know what? Ronnie doesn't know what its like to lose the person he was in love with. I'm still here! I wasn't the one to go, he went:( if I went first, then he would know how I'm feeling but since I wasn't, he has no idea.I'm still trying my hardest for him to be happy but its just not working.I've been told that I'm in the darkest phase right now,and honestly I am. I just want this pain to go away and I want to be left alone.

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