my love.

I miss him so much. I wish I could see him again. Oh, what I would give just to have one more day with him. He was always so gentle and loving. He would softly kiss my lips or gently run his fingers through my hair. In the mornings we would just lay there curled up watching TV and I could feel him digging his nose in my neck or smelling my hair. Whenever we would go out he never hesitated to show me off to the world. We would even go to the store or the video store in our sweats but he didn't care what I was wearing, what I looked like, or who was around. He always pulled me close and held on tight. We would be walking and he'd grab me from behind and walk around with me like that. He'd also whisper cute things in my ear like "I love you angel" or "will you be my beautiful girl forever and seven days?". He always wanted me to be there right beside him no matter what it was. Whether it was to run to the store to pick up cases beyond cases of gatorade, be there with his family to pick him up from the airport or drop him off to watch him leave again, or sit outside in 100 degree weather to watch him play in softball tournaments with his family. Or my favorite: fly me all the way across the united states so I could be with him for a whole four days:) I miss him so much. No matter what relationships he had in the past with certain people it doesn't matter now because they had him then and I have him now. I love him so much.. I hope that I get to see him really soon:( I hate living my life without him. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. Its so beautiful how heor is still manages to find ways to tell me that he loves me. He has visited many people in their dreams. He has asked them all if they could please give me a message. Its usually this: please take care of her for me. Tell her I will always love her and I will always be with her" :( he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am very blessed to have such a handsome angel guarding over me at all times. I love you ronnie.

today friggin sucks:/ ive honestly been crying my eyes out all day. i cant stop. i'll be doing something random and then all of a sudden the tears come. i cant help myself. i just want to scream. i miss him so much. its indescribeable. i just want to see him again. i love him. its our anniversary on sunday. i dont wanna be alone that day:/ hopefully someone will wanna do something or maybe all of my friends will come over again so my mom can make us dinner haha

man this sucks:( its just not fair.

december 1st, 2010

No one knows how much I hate today. I'll hate tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that. I hate this entire month. I wish my life would just stop, today. I can't do this anymore. I can't act like I'm okay when I'm not. All I want to do is go already.sounds crazy and I sometimes can't believe I'm actually saying it, but I do. My life has stopped, and its hard to breathe!

He would have been coming home in a few weeks. Last I heard, he was scheduled to be returning hopefully a week before christmas. I was supposed to be there, standing at green ramp, awaiting his arrival. Best part, he wouldn't know I was there until he stepped off the plane. Yes, it would have been a surprise; a great one I might add:) How was I going to be able to pull this off? With the help of ronnies friend cruz. The soldier who flew to california to be here for the funeral. The brave guy who was there with my love the instance he died. The guy who was there for ronnie in ways that I couldn't be. The one who gave ronnie the hope that things would work out between us while we were broken up. The guy who prayed for ronnie every time they went out on a mission. The guy I owe so much to because he was a brother and loyal friend to my ronnie. In a strange way, I have this sisterly love for him simply because of everything he did for ronnie. I will forever be greatful of cruz.

I met cruz a few months ago. We never actually met in person until ronnies funeral services but I met him online through facebook. One day I got this random message from him.I knew who he was already because ronnie had some pretty funny stories about him and told me all of them when he came home on leave in august. He told me how he had this friend named cruz who gave him advice on how ronnie needs to clean his act up if he ever wants to get me back and be together again. For those of you who don't know, ronnie and I were broken up for 4 months during his deployment. Reasons for why are a whole other story and will come out sooner or later. But anyway cruz and i talked about ronnie and all he ever told me was how happy I made ronnie. We were planning a surprise. He told me he would like me to fly out to N.C.a day or two before they arrived so we could surprise ronnie. Every week he kept updating me on the date they were coming home and if something changed he let me know. I believe the date changed twice. Everytime it changed, it was for the better bc more and more time was being knocked down. First date was dec 27th, next date was a week before then. I was excited. I started planning things. His wife erica and I began talking. We exchanged phone numbers and began writing messages to each other. I was so excited to meet them and even more excited to surprise ronnie. He had no idea! Cruz and I kept it a good secret, now I'm wishing I would have told him bc till this day he still doesn't know what cruz had planned. Cruz wanted to do something nice for ronnie and told me that the best thing he could do for him was make sure I was there, outside the plane waiting for him to walk off and step foot in the US and me be the first person he sees. Cruz looked up flights and was making plans. I talked to my mom about it. It took a lot of convincing bc she's not too thrilled about me flying. Everytime I flew out there she couldn't sleep bc she worried so much. But this time it was different and she knew that. There was nothing I would have wanted more then to be there the minute he was home. I anticipated that day and imagined it. I found myself daydreaming and picturing what it was going to be like at that moment. Cruz opened his home to me, was going to let me stay there with him and his wife so I wouldn't have to worry about hotels and all that junk. He had it all planned out, it was just a matter of waiting to see when the final date would be so then I could buy my ticket and wait. Then everything happened and that's when that dream came crashing down. I finally met cruz, in person. But not the way I was supposed to meet him. I was supposed to meet him the day him and ronnie came home;together. Ronnie would have been there. He would have been the one to formally introduce me to him. I wasn't supposed to meet him at a hotel late one night, the day before ronnies memorial service. It was a weird feeling meeting him. He was like the last person I wanted to see bc ronnie wouldn't be there but also the only person I wanted to see. He was the closest thing to ronnie and if I couldn't see ronnie, he was the next best thing bc I know he was with ronnie at his last breath of life. Deep down I think ronnie knew he had something planned up his sleeve. Whenever ronnie and I would talk on the phone or on facebook, he would always say "cruz is smiling at me, why is he smiling at me babe?" And I'd reply by saying I didn't know. He'd always say "hmmm, sonethings going on here and you both aren't telling me". So I think he knew:)

Like I was saying before, december just won't be my month. It was supposed to be the greatest month but now that I won't see ronnie, I can careless about the stupid months to come. I am not looking forward to anything anymore bc who's to say that I'll even get to make it to whatever it is I have planned or am looking forward to. I'm stuck to live each day as it comes and I will no longer be planning ahead for anything. I don't see a point in it, most of the time you get let down anyway:/

Sorry if I depressed anyone, but that's honestly how I feel. I'm just not excited about life anymore.I know many of you are probably saying that ronnie wouldn't want me to be or feel this way but you know what? Ronnie doesn't know what its like to lose the person he was in love with. I'm still here! I wasn't the one to go, he went:( if I went first, then he would know how I'm feeling but since I wasn't, he has no idea.I'm still trying my hardest for him to be happy but its just not working.I've been told that I'm in the darkest phase right now,and honestly I am. I just want this pain to go away and I want to be left alone.

My ipod was on shuffle this morning and these songs came on that remind me of him: halo-beyonce, super human- chris brown, and hold my hand-akon michael jackson. These songs all have reasons as to why they remind me of him. I remember when ronnie first got to north carolina after he graduated from basic training. He went through this beyonce/ chris brown phase. I think it had a lot to do with me liking them:) but anyway he bought both albums I forget the names of them. One day he sends me a text while he was working and I was at school. He told me to listen to these songs; halo and super human. He said that they remind him of me and they are his favorites off of their cds. I listened to them over and over again. Now when I hear them I can't help but think of that time I used to always play them. The song by akon reminds me of last year. I remember when he flew me out to be with him on his last four day weekend of the year right before deployment. I heard this song and yeah I liked it but it didn't actually stick with me until after I left north carolina. I had so many different emotions during that time. I was sad, happy, basically bi polar. Haha I listened to this song over and over on the plane rides home. Fayetteville to charlotte, charlotte to pheonix, pheonix to ontario. It was crazy how I felt.so now everytime I hear it, I just think of that entire weekend I spent with him. It was soo cold there. It was nice being able to cuddle and lay down with him all weekend. We were like a lil married couple living in our own place lol I remember I helped him clean his room and pack his bags for afghanistan:( we went grocery shopping haha well more like snack shopping lol we picked out movies together. I even helped him fill out papers at the PX for him so he can get approved for a military star card which is a fancy name for a credit card. I remember the lil old lady that helped us. She saw both of our rings on our left ring fingers and she asked how long we have been married:). We both smiled and ronnie looked at her and said we're not married, yet!! Lol she just laughed with us and complimented us on how cute we were. I won't ever forget that moment. It was perfect!! There were so many of those moments.people were always asking us how long its been or whens the wedding date?? Lol he always talked about our future. One of my last conversations I had with him he was rambling about how excited he was and he came up with this plan of how everything was gonna go.he told me he talked to his mom and grandma about it. He was excited to come home and tell his grandparents to their faces. He felt they deserved to be told the news in person. It was at that moment when I knew he was dead serious about his plan to marry me. I miss him and love him with my entire heart.

Today is another hard day for me. Woke up this morning and just wanted to fall back asleep. I wish I could sleep through everything. This pain I feel is unbearable at times. There are many moments where I flip the f*** out! I get all crazy on people. I don't have much patience lately. A lot of people are ignorant and annoying as hell. I am very bitter now and this opened my eyes to so many things people do and say that annoy me. Some don't even know what the hell they are talking about. They waste their time on dumb shit. Its like "how old are you" grow the hell up! Ahh it drives me crazy. There are so many ungreatful people and its just so sad. I would do anything just to have him back. I'm so sorry for those of you who have lost someone. This is the worst feeling in the world. When I think about my future now, I see nothing. Its so hard to live for the future when all I keep thinking is how in the hell I am going to get through the day. I know he would be very mad at me if he knew I was upset and crying. He hated when I was anything but happy. I can hear him now telling me smile babe, you're so beautiful when you smile mamas.:(
I miss him. That's an understatement.

Why did god take him away from us?? I just don't understand this at all. God heard everyday and everynight when ronnie would promise me he would be coming home. He always said he would be safe and to never worry bc he would be home soon. So why did god have to take him, why?

If he's so powerful and has a plan for everyone, then he must have known that this was going to cause so much pain and heartache. Why would he do this to us? I can't wait for the day I find out.

People keep saying... "I'm here for you, anything you need."

Well if that's the case, then why do I feel so alone? I feel alone although I know I'm not. Everyone is affected by this, yet I'm feeling it in different ways then other people. Just like they might be feeling it in ways I can't relate to. If this is the case then does this mean that I'm not the only one who feels alone??

I guess I'm feeling it a lot right now bc so much is going on. All I want is to talk to him about it bc I know he would be the one to really care to listen. Whenever I had a problem, he was the person I went to and he helped me so much. Just like when there were things he had to deal with or situations that brought him down, he turned to me to help pick him back up again. I miss him so much.

I keep listening to all the songs he told me that remind him of me:( it seems like every song is about the guy being gone yet still with his girl everywhere she goes. They talk about her having him forever and she being the only one he will ever love. I miss what him and I had. Things were not perfect, but they were still wonderful. We had something truly amazing. I don't think anyone could ever have what we did. We understood each other in different ways. We knew the littlest things about each other that not even our bestest friends knew. How do I know this? Well, because we told each other "no one knows this". No one will ever know.


I heard his voice when he was upset or scared. It stays with me and haunts me now:( I wake up at night wanting to call him but then I realize he won't be there to pick up the other end of the call. There were days when he would call me in the middle of his sleep saying things that I can't get out of my head till this day. The trembling in his voice was the worst of them all! I heard it all! I heard the things that no one knows about. It was my job as his girl to pick him up and encourage him to stay strong and focused. It was hard! So effin hard but I wouldn't change it for the world! I loved being the person who stood behind him and gave him the motivation he needed to go on! He always told me that he loved knowing he could call me when he was in the shittiest mood but know that when our conversation was over, he'd be in the best mood. Its true. It happened quite a lot actually. I could tell what type of mood he was in just by the way he said "hey baby". If it was a low tone then he was sad, if it was high then he was happy and excited or if it was an irritated tone then he was upset about something. I miss him so much! I just wanna scream! I wish he were still here! I wish I could hear his diffferent voices again! I wish I could pick him up when he's down or hold him up when he's already high! Like I said, things were not always so perfect, we had our share of ups and downs but all that matters is we both moved on from there. We let it come in between us for a little while but we worked through them bc nothing and NO ONE was worth getting in between what we shared.

We confessed so much to each other and told each other things that we were scared to admit but we did it bc it had to be done and we didn't want to lie to each other anymore. He told me things that killed me, literally stabbed my heart but I forgave him just like he forgave me. We cried then laughed bc we both decided to make it work. We loved each other. And that's what two people do when they are in love; they work out their problems.

We would have been happy and lived a happy healthy life together. We would have had a beautiful marriage filled with love and the love of our lord. Our kids would have been beautiful and mommy and daddy would have gave them anything their lil hearts desired. We would have had a beautiful home. Nothing too big or too expensive but somewhere to just raise our kids and just be happy. How do I know this??

Because we talked about it; all day, everyday. It was the one thing we both could mention and from then on our mood was the best it had been all day long.

I love him. No one knows how I feel unless their love has been taken from them in the blink of an eye too.

I'm screaming inside my own skin!! All I want is to get away! I want to be gone already. If tomorrows my day, then so be it. I just want to see him again.

I miss him:(

I used to fall asleep, whether it was right infront of him or while we were on the phone, wherever it was he sat there and talked to me. He'd have conversations with me while he let me sleep. I remember there were a few times where I wanted to hear what kinds of things he would say to me so I would pretend to be sleeping. I'd stay very quiet, but ended up really falling asleep haha this whole thing started way back in junior year of h.s. That summer ronnie called me every night at the same time; 9 pm. I was a grandma who had to get up for work so by that time I was exhausted! I'd usually talk for about a half hour and then crash.
Eventually I'd wake up to the phone on my ear but no one there. Next day would come and he'd make fun of me for snoring on the phone the previous night! Whatta brat! He snores loud too:) haha anyway finally one night I wasn't that tired so I stayed awake through his entire convo with my "sleeping" self. The things he said to me made me fall for him even more! He was so amazing. Just recently, this past august, him and I went for a drive. It got really late and I was super tired but we both didn't wanna go home bc going home meant we would no longer be next to each other. He begged me to stay as long as I could with him. He told me that he wouldn't care if I fell asleep, all he wanted was to be able to drive all night and know that I'm sleeping peacefully next to him, safe and sound. I told him I would. I ended up falling asleep for about 25 mins he said. He had a pretty deep convo with me apparently. When I first started to doze, the only thing I could manage hearing was I love you vanessa. As you start to drift to sleep just know I think you are the most beautiful girl. And then from there, I was out! When I woke up he took me home. We had shared the perfect ending to the perfect night. I really miss him talking to me while I sleep:(

I love him.