My ipod was on shuffle this morning and these songs came on that remind me of him: halo-beyonce, super human- chris brown, and hold my hand-akon michael jackson. These songs all have reasons as to why they remind me of him. I remember when ronnie first got to north carolina after he graduated from basic training. He went through this beyonce/ chris brown phase. I think it had a lot to do with me liking them:) but anyway he bought both albums I forget the names of them. One day he sends me a text while he was working and I was at school. He told me to listen to these songs; halo and super human. He said that they remind him of me and they are his favorites off of their cds. I listened to them over and over again. Now when I hear them I can't help but think of that time I used to always play them. The song by akon reminds me of last year. I remember when he flew me out to be with him on his last four day weekend of the year right before deployment. I heard this song and yeah I liked it but it didn't actually stick with me until after I left north carolina. I had so many different emotions during that time. I was sad, happy, basically bi polar. Haha I listened to this song over and over on the plane rides home. Fayetteville to charlotte, charlotte to pheonix, pheonix to ontario. It was crazy how I felt.so now everytime I hear it, I just think of that entire weekend I spent with him. It was soo cold there. It was nice being able to cuddle and lay down with him all weekend. We were like a lil married couple living in our own place lol I remember I helped him clean his room and pack his bags for afghanistan:( we went grocery shopping haha well more like snack shopping lol we picked out movies together. I even helped him fill out papers at the PX for him so he can get approved for a military star card which is a fancy name for a credit card. I remember the lil old lady that helped us. She saw both of our rings on our left ring fingers and she asked how long we have been married:). We both smiled and ronnie looked at her and said we're not married, yet!! Lol she just laughed with us and complimented us on how cute we were. I won't ever forget that moment. It was perfect!! There were so many of those moments.people were always asking us how long its been or whens the wedding date?? Lol he always talked about our future. One of my last conversations I had with him he was rambling about how excited he was and he came up with this plan of how everything was gonna go.he told me he talked to his mom and grandma about it. He was excited to come home and tell his grandparents to their faces. He felt they deserved to be told the news in person. It was at that moment when I knew he was dead serious about his plan to marry me. I miss him and love him with my entire heart.

Today is another hard day for me. Woke up this morning and just wanted to fall back asleep. I wish I could sleep through everything. This pain I feel is unbearable at times. There are many moments where I flip the f*** out! I get all crazy on people. I don't have much patience lately. A lot of people are ignorant and annoying as hell. I am very bitter now and this opened my eyes to so many things people do and say that annoy me. Some don't even know what the hell they are talking about. They waste their time on dumb shit. Its like "how old are you" grow the hell up! Ahh it drives me crazy. There are so many ungreatful people and its just so sad. I would do anything just to have him back. I'm so sorry for those of you who have lost someone. This is the worst feeling in the world. When I think about my future now, I see nothing. Its so hard to live for the future when all I keep thinking is how in the hell I am going to get through the day. I know he would be very mad at me if he knew I was upset and crying. He hated when I was anything but happy. I can hear him now telling me smile babe, you're so beautiful when you smile mamas.:(
I miss him. That's an understatement.

Why did god take him away from us?? I just don't understand this at all. God heard everyday and everynight when ronnie would promise me he would be coming home. He always said he would be safe and to never worry bc he would be home soon. So why did god have to take him, why?

If he's so powerful and has a plan for everyone, then he must have known that this was going to cause so much pain and heartache. Why would he do this to us? I can't wait for the day I find out.

People keep saying... "I'm here for you, anything you need."

Well if that's the case, then why do I feel so alone? I feel alone although I know I'm not. Everyone is affected by this, yet I'm feeling it in different ways then other people. Just like they might be feeling it in ways I can't relate to. If this is the case then does this mean that I'm not the only one who feels alone??

I guess I'm feeling it a lot right now bc so much is going on. All I want is to talk to him about it bc I know he would be the one to really care to listen. Whenever I had a problem, he was the person I went to and he helped me so much. Just like when there were things he had to deal with or situations that brought him down, he turned to me to help pick him back up again. I miss him so much.

I keep listening to all the songs he told me that remind him of me:( it seems like every song is about the guy being gone yet still with his girl everywhere she goes. They talk about her having him forever and she being the only one he will ever love. I miss what him and I had. Things were not perfect, but they were still wonderful. We had something truly amazing. I don't think anyone could ever have what we did. We understood each other in different ways. We knew the littlest things about each other that not even our bestest friends knew. How do I know this? Well, because we told each other "no one knows this". No one will ever know.


I heard his voice when he was upset or scared. It stays with me and haunts me now:( I wake up at night wanting to call him but then I realize he won't be there to pick up the other end of the call. There were days when he would call me in the middle of his sleep saying things that I can't get out of my head till this day. The trembling in his voice was the worst of them all! I heard it all! I heard the things that no one knows about. It was my job as his girl to pick him up and encourage him to stay strong and focused. It was hard! So effin hard but I wouldn't change it for the world! I loved being the person who stood behind him and gave him the motivation he needed to go on! He always told me that he loved knowing he could call me when he was in the shittiest mood but know that when our conversation was over, he'd be in the best mood. Its true. It happened quite a lot actually. I could tell what type of mood he was in just by the way he said "hey baby". If it was a low tone then he was sad, if it was high then he was happy and excited or if it was an irritated tone then he was upset about something. I miss him so much! I just wanna scream! I wish he were still here! I wish I could hear his diffferent voices again! I wish I could pick him up when he's down or hold him up when he's already high! Like I said, things were not always so perfect, we had our share of ups and downs but all that matters is we both moved on from there. We let it come in between us for a little while but we worked through them bc nothing and NO ONE was worth getting in between what we shared.

We confessed so much to each other and told each other things that we were scared to admit but we did it bc it had to be done and we didn't want to lie to each other anymore. He told me things that killed me, literally stabbed my heart but I forgave him just like he forgave me. We cried then laughed bc we both decided to make it work. We loved each other. And that's what two people do when they are in love; they work out their problems.

We would have been happy and lived a happy healthy life together. We would have had a beautiful marriage filled with love and the love of our lord. Our kids would have been beautiful and mommy and daddy would have gave them anything their lil hearts desired. We would have had a beautiful home. Nothing too big or too expensive but somewhere to just raise our kids and just be happy. How do I know this??

Because we talked about it; all day, everyday. It was the one thing we both could mention and from then on our mood was the best it had been all day long.

I love him. No one knows how I feel unless their love has been taken from them in the blink of an eye too.

I'm screaming inside my own skin!! All I want is to get away! I want to be gone already. If tomorrows my day, then so be it. I just want to see him again.

I miss him:(

I used to fall asleep, whether it was right infront of him or while we were on the phone, wherever it was he sat there and talked to me. He'd have conversations with me while he let me sleep. I remember there were a few times where I wanted to hear what kinds of things he would say to me so I would pretend to be sleeping. I'd stay very quiet, but ended up really falling asleep haha this whole thing started way back in junior year of h.s. That summer ronnie called me every night at the same time; 9 pm. I was a grandma who had to get up for work so by that time I was exhausted! I'd usually talk for about a half hour and then crash.
Eventually I'd wake up to the phone on my ear but no one there. Next day would come and he'd make fun of me for snoring on the phone the previous night! Whatta brat! He snores loud too:) haha anyway finally one night I wasn't that tired so I stayed awake through his entire convo with my "sleeping" self. The things he said to me made me fall for him even more! He was so amazing. Just recently, this past august, him and I went for a drive. It got really late and I was super tired but we both didn't wanna go home bc going home meant we would no longer be next to each other. He begged me to stay as long as I could with him. He told me that he wouldn't care if I fell asleep, all he wanted was to be able to drive all night and know that I'm sleeping peacefully next to him, safe and sound. I told him I would. I ended up falling asleep for about 25 mins he said. He had a pretty deep convo with me apparently. When I first started to doze, the only thing I could manage hearing was I love you vanessa. As you start to drift to sleep just know I think you are the most beautiful girl. And then from there, I was out! When I woke up he took me home. We had shared the perfect ending to the perfect night. I really miss him talking to me while I sleep:(

I love him.

emergency...

I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency...
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on
So are you listening?
Are you watching me?
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on
We have an emergency
So are you listening?
Cause I can't pretend that I don't see this

Its really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it.

I've seen love die
Way too many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive
Alive...

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love
But you don't know what love is
I think we have an emergency
So are you listening
Cause I can't pretend that I don't see this

Its really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
So can we talk about it?

I've seen love die
Way too many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive
Alive...

Your scars they will not, fade away.

No one cares to talk about it
So can we talk about it?

I've seen love die
Way to many times when it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times when you deserve to be alive.
Alive...

-paramore.

today has been a good day..

Despite all of the unnecessary, immature drama that has been going on, today I have had one of the best days. I'll admit i have had a moment or two. I spent most of the day home alone by myself so I've definitely had my alone time to think and cry and scream! After that, I felt so much relief. My tears instantly washed away and as weird as it sounds, I felt him, finally!!

I sat in bed and put on my paramore dvd that he got me as a "just because" surprise gift. The minute our song came on, I cried and laid there feeling so helpless and sorry for myself:/ then something wonderful came over me. I felt this chill enter me and my skin soon displayed goosebumps. It was like a sign of him saying "cheer up crazy face" just like he would always tell me whenever I was down in the dumps about something. I soon smiled and starting singing along. I was crying and laughing all at the same time but it was a happy cry, a really good well-needed cry! I jumped outta bed, cleaned up my room, took a warm shower and jumped into my warm sweats. I ate some food and watched movies all day. All thanks to him! The thought of him, helped me switch my whole day around.

Since everything has happened, I haven't had the chance to sit down and watch tv. Well, not that I haven't had the chance, but more like I choose not to. Today, watching tv felt very good. There were a bajillionnn movies on, my favorites I might add. Anytime I felt a wave of emotion trying to bring me down, it was like he pushed it away or something. Before the wave could take me in, a memory of him filled my head as if he was the one putting the memory in my brain for me.

I had a wonderful conversation with my big sister today as well. We cried and laughed together. We talked about school and work and family life. We talked about my adorable niece and nephew whom I love so very much. Tomorrow is my niece andrea's 4th birthday! I love my lil mamas. I remember the first day she learned how to say ronnies name:) anytime I was on the webcam skyping him, she'd walk over and with a biggg smile on her face and her adorable little finger pointing at him on the computer screen, she'd say "ronnie!!" Haha he was so determined to have her call him "uncle ronnie." Everytime I handed her the phone to talk to him, he'd repeat "uncle ronnie, uncle ronnie" she learned it! But then forgot again! Haha that's expected of a 4 year old though. I have a video of her saying his name that I sent to him. He couldn't wait to see her when he got back home. Next time I visit his grave, I'm going to try to take her with me so she can visit him too:) he knew how much I adore my niece and nephew. He loved them and told me to always give them a hug and kiss for him. I did everytime! My big sister listened to me talk today, I was actually able to vent to someone and not feel hesistant about saying anything. Our conversation kind of reminded me of my conversations I'd have with ronnie. He was the only one who understood me and sat there and allowed me to say anything and everything I felt on my heart at that moment. He never passed judgement or scolded me. He listened with both ears and his entire soul and gave me real thoughts and helped me overcome the obstacle I was facing at that moment. He cared, truly cared about my feelings, the same way I did with his. When it was either one of our times to speak, we listened whole heartedly and although we weren't physically near each other, we could still feel the hug we gave whenever we'd say " I'm there with you babe, can you feel me?".

My sister inspired me a lot today. She made me realize a lot and now, finally, I have found a new motivation. I'm not going to say what it is, but I will say you all shall find out what it is soon enough:) I am very excited. I know he would be very proud of me for finding courage and strength.I remember that time when he told me that its going to be us against the world. It brought a smile to my face. I also found a message where he told me to not care what people think. Only his opinion should matter to me and only what he thinks of me is the only thing that matters. I will live by this. I want to make him proud of me. I know I will and I can. That's why this new inspiration of mine is going to be for him and for us. He always told me to be strong and never to forget to help out those who need help bc "I may just need them one day". After my conversation with my sister, I went on youtube and played this song. Ronnie visited a friend in her dreams. He asked her if she could give me a message. He began singing this song to her and she told me what song it was that he wanted me to listen to. I listened to it today:) it brought on the tears again but I couldn't help but be happy. The words were beautiful and full of inspriation. The song was absolutely AMAZING. It brought comfort to my heart. I'm very greatful that she told me about her dream. She didn't have to share but she did anyway. If you are reading this, then thank you so much!:)

My new mission and goal in life is to be there for those who need and want my help and encouragement. As long as people will let me be there for them, then I will be. Just like he always used to say "I will always love you and be here for you, for as long as you let me vanessa.":)

I miss him:/ I love him so much. I can't wait to make him proud!

cold, rainy days..

Are so depressing:/

He was so excited to come home and enjoy the cold weather. We talked about going to the christmas lights together on thoroughbred like we did two christmases ago:/ we were supposed to make a trip to the snow and rent a cabin with our friends. I'm so sad:( I just wanna cry. But I can't. The tears are in me but won't come out anymore.

He was excited that afghanistan was beginning to get cold too bc it was his reminder that winter was coming and he would be coming home soon.

I miss him so much. All I want to do is talk to him, cry to him, and know that he will be there for me.whenever I was having a bad day, just hearing his voice brought me comfort. Now all I have are voicemails. I can repeat his exact words, that's how much I listen to them.

I love him so much.