wayneeee:)

"I remember the love, right after the fights. You can't tell me you don't remember those nights" :)

I hate how this happens. I'm doing good in my life, and its like they know or something. They come waltzing back into your life and make you second guess everything. Am I doing the right thing? Did I do the right thing? I was happy, so happy with him. Why give things up? Why is it so hard for people to trust or tell the truth? Why do people leave the ones they like for the ones they love? My brain hurts. I'm thinking too much about this. Its been over a week now.. I almost wish it never happened. Where would I be? What would I be? Who would I be?I have so much to work out and straighten up. I miss a lot of things:/ but sometimes u have to learn to let them all go. I'm craving that attention again. That feeling of being truly loved as well as adored.will I ever have that again? Will I ever be with someone who treated me as good as him?:/ depressing thought. I'm not gonna lie..

greattttt

That horrible pain is back in my stomach:( I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I'm worried now. I told my mom what was going on bc I couldn't take it anymore. The pain grew and intensified:/ she joked about me possibly being prego. I didn't think that was funny at all. It actually made me more worried. But I know its not that. I think there's honestly something wrong with me:( time to go get this checked out:( I'm scared. What if they tell me something I don't wanna hear??:(

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I'm happy, happy, happy. My life finally feels like its right where it supposed to be. I'm smiling for absolutely no reason right now. Even though I have a few negative thoughts running through my brain that are making me sad, nothing can bring me down right now. I love the way things are right now except the fact that I'm still sick. But other than that, I love everything at this very moment.I love my family, my friends, and him:) I'm excited for this week even though I have nothing planned. I guess I'm just happy to get it over with so I can knock off one more week on my calendar. I can't wait to see him again. I miss him so much and I am so happy that he's still in my life. God, has truly blessed us and has given us one more time to make it. So its up to us to make it last. Third times a charm:) I just found my faith. Lost it along the way, so I'm happy its finally back.
Almost done with my homework. Is it almost 4:30 yet? I can't wait to hear his voice:)

I love you.

Okay okay.. So I just have to admit..I miss him. So much. That it hurts to think about all the time that has to go by before I will ever see him again. The song "tik tok" by kesha just came on and it made me think of him. I remember when I went to visit him in december, I made him listen to that song. And his friend played it in his truck for me and both of them just looked at me like I was crazy! Haha aww I get buuterflies just thinking about those times when I would fly out to see him. I remember the first time was scary:( second time was not so bad except for when I thought I was gonna have to stay over night in the airport by myself:( uhh I don't know what I would have done:/ I was happy when everything worked out tho. I miss him:( regardless of everything that's happened, I know it made us stronger. My love for him has grown so much. This time spent apart was for the better I think. It was hard, but at the same time it was easy. I'm just glad we're both wanting this again, and this time it will last. I don't care what anyone says, all I know is I think its worth it, he thinks its worth it, so we'll make it work. I feel that this time around it has to be about compromise, and honesty. I think we have to consider each others feelings more this time. Its no longer just about me, its about him too. Aww:) I'm so happy.I love being in love♥

ohh geeze..

Its 4:30 in the morning and I feel like S***. :( I have to wake up in about 2 1/2 hours for math class. Should I stay home and email my teacher telling him how sick I feel or should I just suck it up and go?
I think I like the first idea:) I just have to promise not to get in the habit of not going every week.okayyyy I promise:) haha

who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?

I hate being sick for the simple fact that I'm stuck right here, forced to lay in my bed. My body aches and all systems shut down. One minute I feel energy, then the next its gone. Picking up my head or adjusting my pillows takes so much out of me.I hate the feeling of being trapped. That's exactly how I feel, trapped in my room.I'm downing my body with cranberry juice and water, not really sure if that's going to help. But the idea of it making me recover faster, brings comfort to my heart. My brother and younger sister brought me food earlier and it made my day. My sister picked a rose for me and brought it to my room in a vase. Makes me smile just looking at it and even though by tomorrow it will be dead, its still beautiful while it lasts.the little thoughts are what count the most to me.I have to be honest, my heart is broken.one minute it was alive just like that rose, but since all beautiful things can't last forever, it died. I'm confused with everything. I don't even know what it is I want anymore or what its going to take for me to figure it out again. I hate how strong I am and then how weak I suddenly become. It always happens in an instant. I went to bed angry. Furious at the world bc I can never feel the way I want to. But when I woke up this morning, things were different. Its hard for me to adjust. To go from being lied to, to not being lied to, to being lied to again, is hard. As much as I hate thinking about him, my ex bf was really good at making me feel secure. That guy had so many opportunities to lie, but never did. And if he did, then he was damn good at hiding it. Everything he ever said turned out to be the truth even tho I had a hard time believing it. He always proved me wrong. I remember I had this feeling in my gut like I was being lied to. So, me being paranoid and caring about being hurt too much, I decided to check it out.I hate saying this but I snooped through his phone ONE TIME while he was asleep. That was the last time I had ever done that because I realized there was no need for it to happen again. I found, nothing. In every text he would receive or send out, it was either talking great things about me or not saying anything that pertained to me at all. I even found a few texts from this girl. She was his best friend back home and they even dated a few months in the past. I was scared to read them but knew if I didn't then I would drive myself crazy just thinking about it. To my surprise, it was all good. He had took the liberty of going out of his way to tell her that since he was with me, they could no longer be close. To my surprise, she agreed. She was very respectful and not once said anything negative towards me. She never talked bad about me or called me hurtful things like a "manipulating bitch".I wish every guy could treat his gf how he did to me with that whole situation. I even had the chance to meet her and hang out with her when he took me back home with him to meet his family.It was nice to know that he didn't tell her that bc I had asked him to or forced him, he did it because he wanted to. Bc he knew I was important enough, more important than her. It was even nicer that she agreed too bc she then knew her place in his life.it wasn't I who had to tell her, just by him taking it upon himself, gave it all away. There were times where he would do a lot of those things without me even having to ask him. He would always talk about me, even when ppl would ask a simple question that had nothing to do with me. He always brought me in on whatever the conversation was. He was proud to show me off to his friends and family. After he made me his gf, he switched everything and made it all about me. I had never had that before. In the past,It seemed like it would take months or even me asking for them to change things.I just want to have that secure, confident feeling again. But not with him. I just want to feel beautiful again and important. I wanna be first in a persons life again and have things done for me because someone wants me to be happy. I don't ever wanna feel insecure with myself bc I know who I am and I know what I have to offer. He knew exactly what he had. He reminded me everyday. Even if he didn't speak it, he showed it. I know towards the end, things just got crazy, but in the beginning everything was great. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Like I said, I don't even want to think about him.I just feel like remembering is the only comfort I have right now. That one point in my life, someone picked me up and carried me around on a pedistool.I want that again. This time, I want him picked up and carried around with me. I admit I have a lot of things I need to change about myself, but why do that if there's no guarantee it will even be worth it. Just scared of the unknown.and my biggest fear this time around is being lied to, once again.I would hate to be with someone who can lie to me. Especially since I know I'm capable of finding someone who is nothing but honest with me from the start.I finally felt what it was like to trust someone with my heart and soul, why would I want to turn back now and have the exact opposite? I think I'm worthly of the truth always, don't you?