i miss him...i am hurting so much right now. there are so many things i want to share and so many pictures i want people to see but it seems like whenever i post something everyone takes it..i just wanna keep these photos of him for myself..i don't wanna sound greedy but its true. these are all i have. they wouldn't be special if everyone had them too. same goes for my videos..i have many adorable ones of him but i don't wanna share haha i just wish people would look at them and not take them.. omgoshhh i am going crazy! i cant do this anymore. i just wanna hit something until it hurts just as much as i am. he will never know how much i miss him. i truly dont want my life to move forward. i just want to be wherever he is. so he can kiss me and make me feel safe like he used to:/ i love him so much. love is seriously an understatement. if he were here, he'd know exactly what i mean. him and i used to get in these moods where we missed each other so much that when we would say "i miss you so much" it wasnt fulfilling enough. we felt that longing for each other even more then before we said it hahah sounds confusing but at least i know he understands what im trying to say. same goes for "i love you". we felt so much more then that so that phrase never felt good enough.

i hope he visits me in my dreams tonight:( he hasnt in a while...

i will always miss cuddling with him on the couch...

and running my fingers through his hair while he falls asleep:(

I've come to realize that it comforts me to read old messages and letters from ronnie. Even though it brings tears, it also brings comfort as well. I was just reading old text messages that I have saved from him on my old phone that I had last year. I found this text and thought I would share it. It made me cry when I read it. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when he sent this to me. I miss him so much. I love him more than anything or anyone. I know he loved me too. See for youself...

"I want to be with you. Its that simple. Not for just this deployment so I have someone waiting. After that, after I get out. When I'm a civilian again. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want us to argue about bills, what car to buy, what to do for vacation, what to watch on tv. Everything. I want you. I want you to feel loved, to feel how I feel about you. I screwed up way back when, but I promise you with all of my heart I've been straight up w you and that's how I'm going to be till forever." (Sent on December 26, 2009 at 10:59 AM) Three days before he left for afghanistan:(


I miss him:(

I woke up frustrated and upset this morning. Once again, I didn't have a dream about him:( its like no matter how much I pray for one, he never comes. I'll admit, I'm starting to get envious of those people who have been dreaming about him. That's all I want is to see him again:( knowing ronnie, he won't come until I least expect it. He was always trying to surprise me, but never could bc he'd give away obvious clues all the time! Haha so now I believe this is the only way he can surprise me for the first time. Sucks that it has to be this way:( I miss him so much. Everyday I wake up, lay there in bed and it seems like it takes all of my strength to get up and get moving. Its a new day yet nothing has changed. I'm still broken, and feeling lost and alone:/ I love him so much. My heart is longing to be with him again.

Like him and I used to say to each other.. " I love you more today than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow". That's exactly how I feel:(

I can't believe this is true. My heart feels like its been ripped out of me. I feel like I have no one yet I have many people here for me. Still, they don't compare. No one can ever replace the hole that is left in my heart. I miss him so much. I've cried so much that its gotten to the point where I can no longer shed a single tear. My thoughts are twisted. I have so much going on inside. I am mad! So mad! I don't understand! Why? Why me? I have been nothing but a good person to people and so has he. Why us? Why couldn't we last forever? There are so many people in this world who don't deserve to have the life they do! They waste it by being mad at people! I just don't get it!

If you love someone, tell them! Don't waste a single minute! There's so many things I would have done differently. Now, its too late. Make it happen people! If there's someone you love and can't see yourself being without then tell them! Hug them, hold them, kiss them, squeeze them! Get married and start ur future together! Make babies and spend ur life devoting ur all to them! I will never get to experience that with ronnie! Ever! And it makes me pissed as hell! I was supposed to be his wife, the mother of his kids, his future, his everything. Now that he's gone, I can't have any of that. No one knows how I'm feeling. The thoughts and emotions I'm experiencing. I truly feel like my life is worth nothing without him. I don't ever see myself being able to go on. How can I? I don't want to even if I could. I miss him so much. All I have left are my memories. My pictures, my letters, my text messages, my voicemails, my videos, my ring. My ring is all I have to remind me that he did want to spend his future with me. I look down at my hand and fall apart. Its just my promise ring he gave me. He asked me to send him a picture of the wedding ring I would want bc he wanted to buy it when he came home. I never got around to sending it. I found the one I wanted, three days before he died. He never got to actually see it:( my heart is broken.

We were supposed to have a backyard wedding:) I told him that I didn't care who was there, I wanted everyone and their mamas there! I never understood why ppl set restrictions on their wedding day. Some are only for adults only! Wtf! A wedding is a celebration, for everyone!!! I wanted cows chickens pigs roosters there! Everyone!! We talked about it a lot actually. My sister was going to be my maid of honor. my younger sister, best friends erica, ashlee, heather, and natalie were going to be my bridesmaids. He wanted his brother danny to be his best man. He wanted his grandpa and uncles vince, and ricky to be his groomsmen as well as his best friend justin. He was so excited whenever we would talk about it. We wanted my niece and his lil sisters titi and priscilla to be the flower girls:) and my nephew and his lil brothers to be the ring barriers. My brothers art and richard were going to give me away:(my dreams are crushed!

For food, ronnie wanted the taco man! Haha as long as chicken was there he was happy.:) we wanted a summer wedding. Like july, august. We wanted to get married once he was out of the army:/ he planned to ask me this coming january. He told me he was going to do it, but wouldn't tell me where or when. All I know is he talked about it quite often and everytime he did, he spoke with such excitement and anticipation.

While he was in afghanistan he called me and we stayed up late one night on the phone. I had school the next day but didn't care. I loved every minute I had to talk to him. We sat up making a list of names for what to name our kids. He wanted a boy really bad. I would always joke with him and say " okay so SHE is going to be the cutest thing ever!" And he'd be like " huh, you mean HE! Yes, HE will be the cutest!" Haha secretly I wanted a boy first too but always gave him a hard time about it. If I remember correctly he liked the name adrian for a boy. I liked anthony or andrew. For girls, there were so many names! I can't even remember any he really really liked. All I remember is him saying " we're gonna lock her up until she's thrity babe" haha he was so cute.we always talked about our future. He promised me that he would be coming home. He couldn't wait for it all:(

I miss him so much. I will hold these memories and conversations I had with him, close to my heart. No one can ever take them away from me. And no one can ever have what him and I had. I am very lucky.

I love him. Like he would always say " forever and seven days babe". Then he'd just smile:)

I hate how life gets to go on, yet my life is stuck where its at right now. There's no moving back or forth, no matter how much I wish I could change it.

Eating spaghetti and watching the laker game... You should be here right now.


I love you..