I've come to realize that it comforts me to read old messages and letters from ronnie. Even though it brings tears, it also brings comfort as well. I was just reading old text messages that I have saved from him on my old phone that I had last year. I found this text and thought I would share it. It made me cry when I read it. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when he sent this to me. I miss him so much. I love him more than anything or anyone. I know he loved me too. See for youself...

"I want to be with you. Its that simple. Not for just this deployment so I have someone waiting. After that, after I get out. When I'm a civilian again. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want us to argue about bills, what car to buy, what to do for vacation, what to watch on tv. Everything. I want you. I want you to feel loved, to feel how I feel about you. I screwed up way back when, but I promise you with all of my heart I've been straight up w you and that's how I'm going to be till forever." (Sent on December 26, 2009 at 10:59 AM) Three days before he left for afghanistan:(


I miss him:(

I woke up frustrated and upset this morning. Once again, I didn't have a dream about him:( its like no matter how much I pray for one, he never comes. I'll admit, I'm starting to get envious of those people who have been dreaming about him. That's all I want is to see him again:( knowing ronnie, he won't come until I least expect it. He was always trying to surprise me, but never could bc he'd give away obvious clues all the time! Haha so now I believe this is the only way he can surprise me for the first time. Sucks that it has to be this way:( I miss him so much. Everyday I wake up, lay there in bed and it seems like it takes all of my strength to get up and get moving. Its a new day yet nothing has changed. I'm still broken, and feeling lost and alone:/ I love him so much. My heart is longing to be with him again.

Like him and I used to say to each other.. " I love you more today than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow". That's exactly how I feel:(

I can't believe this is true. My heart feels like its been ripped out of me. I feel like I have no one yet I have many people here for me. Still, they don't compare. No one can ever replace the hole that is left in my heart. I miss him so much. I've cried so much that its gotten to the point where I can no longer shed a single tear. My thoughts are twisted. I have so much going on inside. I am mad! So mad! I don't understand! Why? Why me? I have been nothing but a good person to people and so has he. Why us? Why couldn't we last forever? There are so many people in this world who don't deserve to have the life they do! They waste it by being mad at people! I just don't get it!

If you love someone, tell them! Don't waste a single minute! There's so many things I would have done differently. Now, its too late. Make it happen people! If there's someone you love and can't see yourself being without then tell them! Hug them, hold them, kiss them, squeeze them! Get married and start ur future together! Make babies and spend ur life devoting ur all to them! I will never get to experience that with ronnie! Ever! And it makes me pissed as hell! I was supposed to be his wife, the mother of his kids, his future, his everything. Now that he's gone, I can't have any of that. No one knows how I'm feeling. The thoughts and emotions I'm experiencing. I truly feel like my life is worth nothing without him. I don't ever see myself being able to go on. How can I? I don't want to even if I could. I miss him so much. All I have left are my memories. My pictures, my letters, my text messages, my voicemails, my videos, my ring. My ring is all I have to remind me that he did want to spend his future with me. I look down at my hand and fall apart. Its just my promise ring he gave me. He asked me to send him a picture of the wedding ring I would want bc he wanted to buy it when he came home. I never got around to sending it. I found the one I wanted, three days before he died. He never got to actually see it:( my heart is broken.

We were supposed to have a backyard wedding:) I told him that I didn't care who was there, I wanted everyone and their mamas there! I never understood why ppl set restrictions on their wedding day. Some are only for adults only! Wtf! A wedding is a celebration, for everyone!!! I wanted cows chickens pigs roosters there! Everyone!! We talked about it a lot actually. My sister was going to be my maid of honor. my younger sister, best friends erica, ashlee, heather, and natalie were going to be my bridesmaids. He wanted his brother danny to be his best man. He wanted his grandpa and uncles vince, and ricky to be his groomsmen as well as his best friend justin. He was so excited whenever we would talk about it. We wanted my niece and his lil sisters titi and priscilla to be the flower girls:) and my nephew and his lil brothers to be the ring barriers. My brothers art and richard were going to give me away:(my dreams are crushed!

For food, ronnie wanted the taco man! Haha as long as chicken was there he was happy.:) we wanted a summer wedding. Like july, august. We wanted to get married once he was out of the army:/ he planned to ask me this coming january. He told me he was going to do it, but wouldn't tell me where or when. All I know is he talked about it quite often and everytime he did, he spoke with such excitement and anticipation.

While he was in afghanistan he called me and we stayed up late one night on the phone. I had school the next day but didn't care. I loved every minute I had to talk to him. We sat up making a list of names for what to name our kids. He wanted a boy really bad. I would always joke with him and say " okay so SHE is going to be the cutest thing ever!" And he'd be like " huh, you mean HE! Yes, HE will be the cutest!" Haha secretly I wanted a boy first too but always gave him a hard time about it. If I remember correctly he liked the name adrian for a boy. I liked anthony or andrew. For girls, there were so many names! I can't even remember any he really really liked. All I remember is him saying " we're gonna lock her up until she's thrity babe" haha he was so cute.we always talked about our future. He promised me that he would be coming home. He couldn't wait for it all:(

I miss him so much. I will hold these memories and conversations I had with him, close to my heart. No one can ever take them away from me. And no one can ever have what him and I had. I am very lucky.

I love him. Like he would always say " forever and seven days babe". Then he'd just smile:)

I hate how life gets to go on, yet my life is stuck where its at right now. There's no moving back or forth, no matter how much I wish I could change it.

Eating spaghetti and watching the laker game... You should be here right now.


I love you..

So things are still very hard, but day by day its getting a little more easier to face. Its saturday which means tomorrow is the day I have to really get strong so I can attempt to go back to school this week. My professors are counting on me to be there and finish off the semester strong. I'm supposed to be graduating chaffey in may 2011, so I only have a little way to go. Ronnie was going to see me graduate:( there's no one else I would rather have there then him. I know he will be present with me that day, sitting in the stands smiling at me in spirit. Everyone says I have to make him proud. I know its what he wanted. One of our last conversations we were talking about school. I was having this dilemma about what I should do about my schedule, I remember he told me to stick it out, and work my ass off. He told me as much as he hates to say this military phrase, I have to learn to "adapt and overcome". Meaning, make any situation I am given work out, and then conquer it. I loved when he'd give such great advice. He was always motivating and encouraging.
He wanted to go back to school when he was out of the army. He either said go for an english degree to be a teacher, just like me:), or a business degree or a degree in journalism so he can be a writer. I thought it was a great plan for him. He asked me if I could help him and I remember laughing bc I knew he didn't even have to ask, I would have done it anyway. He even joked about me finishing his homework for him while he sits back, relaxes and watches tv or eats something. I'd always respond by saying huh that's what I'm gonna be doing while YOU finish YOUR homework:) then he'd just laugh his adorable laugh and I couldn't help but smile.
I always talked about how I couldn't wait to be his wife and complete my everyday tasks that wives do for their husbands. We always said we'd meet for lunch during our lunch breaks or I'd make dinner every night and we'd hardly go out to eat only for special days. I wanted to learn how to make his favorite meals, chicken and rice pilaf comes to mind. I know how to do the chicken but I told him I would ask his grandma to teach me how to make his rice. He was picky when it came to food, but so am I. He loves spaghetti but the kind with sauce that has no meat. He can eat chicken whenever, wherever as long as its chicken. On thanksgiving he didn't care for much of the food which meant I wouldn't have to slave over a hot stove all day. Even if I had to, I still wouldn't mind bc I loved the idea of feeding my babes stomach and making him happy to call me his wife.he only likes cake without frosting. He loved apple juice, mountain dew, and starbucks coffee in the glass bottles. It hurts me to know that I won't be able to pack him a lunch for work or school and slip a note in there for him to read:( I miss him. All I have left are these thoughts and memories. I'm blessed to even have at least those.
I remember the day of our first kiss. It was the summer of 2007. I was working at a dental office as an administrative assistant and he went to summer school. After school he walked to my work almost everyday and would bring me something to eat:) I remember one of those days, ashlee and I had to work in a different building to file away old charts and clean up the storage room. We used to call it "the dungeon" bc it was dark inside and you had to climb a million stairs just to get to the back door where we stayed working in there that entire summer. The only time we went back down to the main office which was on the opposite side of that building was for water or to grab something we needed. Ronnie visited this particular day and I will never forget it. He just pulled me close to him, put his arms around my waist, leaned in and kissed me. It was so funny bc ashlee walked in and walked back out haha it was a wonderful kiss:) we talked about it all the time. Not too long ago, I wanna say about 3 weeks ago, we just talked about that day. He made me so happy even way back then.
As you can probably tell,I have so many stories. I will share a lot more, I promise. So if u care to hear more then just wait. If there's anything u want to know and want me to explain, then ask me. Send me a message on FB and I will be happy to share my memories of him.
I love him with all my heart. My plan is to make him proud of me.I will accomplish most of my dreams because of him. He will always be my inspiration.

I love you ronnie.

i think im ready..

To finally post something.

The love of my life: ronnie joseph pallares was killed on saturday october 23, 2010 at 3:00 am (from what I've been told). The last thing he was doing was laughing and smiling as he walked side by side with cruz vasquez. He was telling him about our camping trip we had planned for when he returned home in january. We planned to rent a cabin with our friends and spend the weekend just getting away from everything and everyone so we could finally spend our deserved time together. I was able to speak to cruz. He called me tuesday morning and told me exactly what happened.I was given peace of mind to find out that my handsome guy died instantly, free of pain and suffering. I miss him so much. Words can't even describe the way I feel. I'm so angry, hurt, broken. My heart needs him in order for it to be complete. Ronnie and I were meant to be,I just know it.no matter what we did or said to eachother, we could never stay mad even if we wanted. This should have never happened. I literally just talked to him, sending him off the phone that morning with "I love you babe, be safe and have a careful mission today, call me when you get back, I love you chubb" and then boom, he's gone. No one to talk to or answer my calls. That morning I had this horrible feeling and I knew something was wrong. When he wasn't answering my calls, I just knew. That saturday afternoon as I'm walking out of the grocery store, the call that I never expected to get, I got. "Vanessa, ronnies dead". In that instant, I froze. My body, mind, was stopped at that moment. All I kept saying was " no, I don't believe it". The moment I saw and heard my mom cry out, it was then when I knew my life just changed. I was in shock. I went through different emotions that first day. I wouldn't eat or sleep or talk to anyone bc I was so mad at God for doing this to me and his friends and family.I literally got sick. The thought of it made my stomach jump.it was the worst feeling in the entire world.
So here I am now, just me. I feel very lonely and stressed out. How do I keep going from here? What everyone seems to forget is, ronnie was my love. He was supposed to be the guy I was going to marry. We talked about our future and made plans. Real plans and goals.if only people could hear just how excited he got whenever we talked about it.it doesn't matter now bc I will never have any of that with him. And it breaks my heart and tears me up inside.one of the last conversations I had with him, we were talking about that. I can still hear his voice and everything he said to me. He was an amazing guy with such a powerful voice that everyone cared to listen to, especially me. The thing that instantly attracted me to him beyond his adorable, handsome face, was the way he could articulate his words and form these strong, powerful sentences. I miss that. I wish I could still hear his speeches:(
He was always so giving and loving. He loved his friends and family with his entire heart. His brother danny ray was his best friend. He loved him very much. He always talked about his mom. How strong of a woman she is and how truly proud he is of her and her accomplishments.he knew his mom was a woman who worked hard, he appreciated her for that. He loved his entire family and had stories for each of them as well as nicknames. He loved his friends and loved telling me stories about them from the past few years. One story he was very fond of was when him and the guys would share laughs in math class or play football together every friday after school. Everyone has shared at least a story or two with ronnie. We are all very fortunate to have had him in our lives.all I want is to hear his voice, but all I have left are voicemails or little clips of him sending me videos on the webcam, to listen to.
Ronnie and I met back in our junior year of high school. I knew who he was a lot earlier then that, but junior year is when I actually met him and talked to him. We had a class together, and if it wasn't for him walking over and sitting next to me, I don't know what would have happened. I'm so glad he did sit next to me. There's times where u have people in a class whom u hardly talk to. Ronnie was so mean to me in the beginning, but in a weird way, I liked it. He was interesting and fun to talk to. The first time we ever hung out outside of school was when we had went to the park to film a video for class. Once everyone left he stayed with me so I wouldn't be alone in the dark. I remember we had a talk about music and school. He always made me laugh. I'd get kind of embarassed to be honest just because I have this uncontrollable laugh sometimes that sounds really weird haha but if I would have known how much he would turn out to adore it, I wouldn't have been so hesitant to express it.
The summer of 2007, right before senior year, we liked each other and let it be known, finally! We spent hours on the phone and stayed up late all summer long until one day he was grounded for the phone bill. His grandma was very upset with the bill he ran up:/oops! Lol calls were to a minimum but visits, happened all the time! I didn't live very far from him driving distance, but walking, that's a different story.yes, he walked to my house just to see me and bring me letters and cd's. He would tell me I couldn't read or listen to then until after he was no where in sight. After he'd leave, I'd reach for those letters and read them over and over again. I still have them all as well as that cd he made for me with songs that he dedicated to me. I love reading them because they bring comfort to my now, broken heart.time went on, and we went our seperate ways. We both had someone new, but those feelings for each other never went away. As the end of senior year came near, graduation was slowly but surely approaching. Everyone was making their plans on where they were going to go to school or do with their lives after high school.I remember the day he told me he was going to the army. That was the day, I knew what had to be done.
I confessed my love for him, and in return, he confessed his too. We spent a lot of time together the week before he left, I will never forget those times. I saw him his last day. Spent time at his house talking to him, watching him play basketball with marquis, justin, and his brother. When it was time to say goodbye, I couldn't cry bc I knew I'd see him again.we wrote each other letters and he sent me things. I wrote him a letter everyday. When he finally returned home in december 2008, I went with his mom and brother to go pick him up from the airport. The smile on his face will stay with me everyday.
On december 12, 2008 at around 11 PM he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was at this time where he gave me my "proud army girlfriend" sweatshirt and a poem for me to read. I loved it. From that day on, everyday I fell more in love with him.
As perfect as things may seem, we had our moments. But we learned to overcome them and accept some things. He flew me out twice to go visit him in north carolina. My first plane ride and first time out of california was to go see him:) those 4 day weekends with him were so much fun. We got used to this cycle of seeing each other and then not seeing each other. But phone calls were always possible. Although he was 1000s of miles away, we made it work bc that's what two people do when they're in love; make any situation work.
We celebrated our one year anniversary apart:( we both went and got pizza, rented the same movie and watched it together while holding the phone to our ears and saying "hey babe, I love you" in between parts of the movie. We always did that. Whenever one of us would be eating something the other would go get the same exact thing and be eating it too:)
Ronnie and I shared so many other things, but that list will go on forever and truly make me cry. I miss him. Ronnie was the only person who knew about this blog. He read it everyday, but now that many of you know about what tragic situation occurred, I'm ready to share this with you. If you love ronnie, his family, his friends and his fiancee(yes, I am his fiancee) then continue sharing his memories. Tell the world what you know about ronnie. Pray and stay strong. Don't lose contact with those you love. Always tell someone you love them bc u never know when it'll be too late. That's honestly one thing that gives me peace... I know ronnie left this earth peaceful and content. Everyday I wished him a good, safe day and never forgot to tell him I loved him. My baby is gone and never coming back but what gives me a peaceful thought is knowing he no longer has to suffer or see ugly horrible things occur around him. He can now rest and even though I may not understand why god took him, I still want to thank him for keeping him and welcoming him home.
I love you ronnie joseph pallares:) your family is now my family. They accepted me and my family has accepted you. We accomplished the one thing we first wanted to:) I love you babe. RIP chubb.

Now, time for my tattoo and candle light vigil for my love:) see everyone tonight.