the truth hurts...

when your tears no longer affect a guy or make him want to do everything in his power to make sure one never drops down your cheeks again, is the greatest reason for why u should let go. for the longest time i felt that this is exactly where i needed to be. i had so much to be thankful for and everything was more than perfect. i felt that if ronnie were standing right before me he would say that this is exactly where i should be. i felt like he would have approved of all my decisions ive made within these past few months but now i sit here feeling like maybe im wrong about that entire idea. i almost feel like he would be pissed off. not at anyone else but me. i feel like he would be so disappointed to know that someone who once made me happy again when he no longer could, is only causing me so much pain and loneliness then ever before. i feel like if he were here he would only want to just hug me and tell me that i need to start realizing what i want in life. even though hes gone i know hes looking down rooting for me. i feel like if he were here he would help to make me realize that i dont deserve this. after all he has put me through when we had a relationship i feel like he wouldnt want me to ever go through the same stuff again. the last time i saw him he cried to me apologizing for all the wrong he has ever done and all the pain he has ever caused for me. he said that even though he can never bring back the tears that have fallen, he can only make sure to never be the cause for another to fall again. that my friends is what i call a guy who really cares about you. the last time a tear ever fell from my eyes because of him was the day i found out i would never see him again in this lifetime....

so now what? finding out the things i have only make me wanna die inside. i dont understand why someone who has gone through entirely too much, is suddenly being put through this. god isnt doing this to punish me, i think hes doing it so when the next best thing walks into my life, i will appreciate it so much more. i feel like he wants me to turn to him again and beg him for some help. i think that once i do that the lord will bless me but this time bless me with something thats worth thanking him for. for months i woke up everyday thanking him for what he has done in my life and the love he has given to me but now my mind has way too many questions that still havent been answered. i no longer thank him, i just wake up or go to bed asking why? i really want to know why someone who wasnt even looking for love, found it and on days wants to give it all back. sometimes it would be alot easier if i only had myself to worry about.

the truth really does hurt...

I honestly can not wait until God brings someone special into my life. I've seriously had enough. I'm so sick of this and feeling so incomplete. Where did the love go?

just a thought..

so i was reading through my email so i can delete all of my old junk mail and came across old emails from ronnie. isnt it crazy how one daay youre so sure about something then the next instant its all taken from you and u have no idea what to do. you find yourself standing still not sure whether or not to take two steps forward or two steps back. its so crazy how someones heart can belong to another person and u have no doubt or fear that its going to end up in someone elses lap. as i look back i was so sure at what i wanted and who i wanted. now, a year and months later my heart belongs to someone else. how does it come and go so quickly. are some people just easy lovers and have love for everyone? i find it crazy how i can easily fall in love with people. i loved ron and its so weird to read messages i wrote him and he wrote to me where we are calling each other babe and now i have no idea about that life anymore. i have a new babe. it amazes me when i think about it. all i know is ronnie always wanted me to be happy. as long as he could see me smile, his mission of the day was complete. i had a dream about him last night. it wasnt anything too exciting but at least it wasnt bad. all that matters is he visited me, i got to see his face again and it felt so real. only matter of time now until i see him again and our spirits can actually hug again. until then i will continue to love again. love is the greatest feeling and i know he wouldnt want me to give up on it.

:/

I hate that I want to spend all day everyday with him yet I don't feel that the feeling is mutual. Will it ever change?

blogging....

oh how ive missed blogging. i love to write so blogging is so much fun for me. it allows me to clear my mind and express my feelings. and let me just say its been wayy too long and if i dont write i just might explode:)

isnt life just crazy? it has twists and turns that lie ahead of you yet you cant see them until youre actually hitting every corner. some days are amazing yet other days absolutely suck. alot has been changing before my very eyes but i know that it wont be very long until it all starts making sense. the other day i discovered that i am a girl of dreams and goals. i have a big imagination that i use to help drive me and motivate me to become a better person. i really really want to teach simply because i enjoy helping others. i feel that in a sense my purpose on earth is to help people who need and want my help. children are my weakness. i can look down at a smiling face and just melt inside. if i see a parent treating their child badly it infuriates me. children are so innocent and i want to be a positive role model to those who simply do not have one. so thats my main goal, my drive in life is to help people:) i will shoot for the stars if i have to. ill do whatever it takes to be a positive person in another persons life. isnt that a comforting feeling to know that someday our future generations will be educated by someone whose passion is to see them succeed?? i remember one time i got asked what it is i want to do in life. my response was, teach. the person who asked me stopped at that one question and after hearing my response, responded back with, thank you. it made me smile. they told me that they appreciate people like me who will one day be a positive influence in their childs life someday. it was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me regarding my choice of career. the fact that something so small could make me so happy just sums up my life. im a person who unfortunately needs feedback or some sort of positive criticism.i dont need to be praised all the time but to be acknowledged for the good you do in anothers life, is always a nice feeling too.

so here i stand now, thinking of my next move in life. schools over, thank the lord. so for awhile i have decided to put my time and energy into something just as productive. i decided to start working full time. for the past three years since ive graduated from high school i have been going to school back to back each semester and let me just say i am very lucky to have been able to do that. most people wish they could have been given the chance to go straight to school and finish so early but unfortunately due to many reasons cant do that. i guess i really didnt have an excuse not to so thats why i did it. im proud of myself for staying so in tuned with that whole routine. there were days where i dreaded going but for the most part i pulled through them. i definitely have stories to share regarding my school life while attending chaffey. nights i stayed up all night writing papers and studying and then falling asleep for an hour and waking up just to do it all over again. ive been through alot, then again who hasnt? but who would have known that after taking late night bus rides home or walking home in the dark or getting up early every morning would honestly pay off. so now that its over, what now? i need to make more goals. if i dont have a goal to reach then whats the point in waking up every morning? so as of right now, my next step will be what it is i want to do with my time. im currently working two jobs right now which i love by the way. i enjoy getting up everyday and heading to the office. i like putting my time towards something that will not only benefit me but my family as well. id like to think that we all are still standing simply because of the help we put together as a unit. hopefully by next month i will finally have my car. the same car i was supposed to get a while back but couldnt simply because the money i had saved either could have continued to stay in the bank or keep the roof over my families head. i chose the roof. i dont have any regrets. if anything im blessed that my family still has a place to call home. getting my car will mean just that much more to me when im finally driving off the lot. my time will come and when its meant to be, ill get what it is ive been wanting for so long:)

im not always so optimistic, if anything i tend to be pessimistic. i dont understand why though. someone of so many dreams and goals should always be optimistic right? in my case thats not so. i guess i allow important things in my life to really affect me. if theres something i cant achieve i always break myself down because of it. i have alot of confidence in my abilities but sometimes i simply can not help but doubt myself. all i can do is pray. prayer has been the answer to many of my problems lately. the moment i feel that feeling of doubt or insecurity, i pray and i kid you not, it all goes away. the other day was the first day i ever went to church alone. ill admit, i was nervous. i guess having my family with me always comforted me. but walking in there alone the other day i knew it was something i had to do. lately my life has not been making sense to me. ive been questioning how some things that appear so perfect end up turning out to not be. so there i went with all my worries, fears and sadness and entered the church. immediately i felt this rush of emotions that i couldnt bare to hold deep inside anymore. so there i had it, i let it all go the moment i began to sing the first song during worship. if there was ever a moment in my life where crying felt the best i believe it was at that moment. if you cant cry infront of the lord, then who else could u possibly cry to? going alone was probably the best thing i could have done on saturday. all day at work i was feeling so empty and just broken up inside. the late nights of hanging out with my girlfriends and going out for drinks and a time to get my mind off my problems just wasnt cutting it anymore. i needed prayer. i needed god. he says come to him, so i went. after work that day i told myself either i go another night of round 2 or go to church and ask for help. i asked for help. he says ask and you will receive. ive received:) i know that my days that lie ahead are gonna be hard and difficult to understand but as long as i have god by my side i will be just fine.

man, i already feel good just by writing this. its amazing how expressing yourself even if no one is listening, could make u feel so much better. todays my day off and im blessed to be alive today. nothing can make me weak only stronger. what doesnt kill me will only keep me alive for another day! so go out today my friends and have a wonderful day! give thanks to the man up above for blessing you with another day of sunshine.

went to orientation for the art institute of california today..im just one step closer to making my dream of owning my own bakery someday come true:)) i think ronnies up in heaven smiling down at me right now and id like to believe that he was walking side by side with me as i took a tour of the campus. im super excited for my future. i wish he were here physically but knowing he is spiritually brings me comfort. he is only a breath and whisper away. i miss him so much. i love him so much that it hurts to think about love sometimes. why does god bring people into our lives if hes just gonna take them out eventually:/ ill never understand but i hope to get my answers someday:) i love ronnie joseph pallares. i pray he visits me tonight...

i wanna sing!!!why couldnt i be born with musical talent:/

just when i start feeling better, something reminds me of it all over again:(

somedays im so strong, i feel like i can live through anything. but then one day my strength goes away and i feel so sad and lost. my hearts still very much broken, and days like these im reminded of how much i miss him. he meant everything to me. how is a person supposed to go on with their life if their life was ripped out of them. its so hard. im so amazed to see how far ive come. eight months ago i was ready to leave this earth just so i could see him again. i was in shock with everything and i couldnt believe what was happening. now, eight months later im feeling the same way all over again. its so hard to believe still. i sometimes feel like hes not gone, just far away and isnt allowed to contact me. i know he would if he could. bc i know he sees how much i miss him and wish i could have him here with me again. theres so much i need to tell him, so much i want to say. i pray that he hears me when i call for him. he was so handsome. i miss his face. kissing his cheeks and burying my face in his:( i miss his laugh. i can still hear it and that makes me smile and cry at the same time. i wish i could hear him call me beautiful again or tell me he loves me to my face. i wish i could hold him again. the one thing i miss the most is when he would get really tired, he would come over to me and rest his head on my lap and hold my hands as he fell asleep:( i wish i could have that again. i dont know why any of this happened. i dont know why im living still and hes gone. and its so hard not knowing. i wish god were here so he could tell me why. ronnie was the greatest person i have ever known and im so lucky that hes mine. hes waiting for me. he told me he would always wait for me. "forever and seven days babe" is what he used to tell me:) forever means forever. damn it, i will see him again. even if i have to search through the gates of heaven to find him, i will. i love him. despite everything that ive been through these past few months and all the mistakes ive made, it doesnt change the fact that i will forever love him. we may have not been able to be together forever in this lifetime but the lord promises more. he promises bigger and better things so i have faith that he will bring us together again. i pray that he does. everyday i wake up, is a day closer to seeing my angel again and his gorgeous smile. i miss that smile of his. more then anyone can ever imagine. i miss his stories. the one thing i loved to do the most was hear ronnie speak. the words out of his mouth fascinated me. i loved hearing his voice. if he were here he would be laughing bc he knows how much i loved to hear him talk. unless we were arguing haha then thats a different story:) i miss those lil things too. neither one of us could stay mad at each other. it was just a matter of time when one of us would give in and say sorry . we both were so stubborn haha i miss him :( i love him so much! cant wait to see him! so i can attack him with kisses again! i wonder when its going to be my time..am i the only one who thinks about that??

Everyday is a struggle and somedays I don't even know how I get by. Its become something that I have to face. Whenever I think of him and want to break down the only person that can help me is myself. I have to fill my mind with memories and pray for peace. I miss him so much. I love him still with all of my heart..

:(

I think I finally understand why after one dies, the other dies a few years later. It usually happens with older couples. When one goes, the other goes shortly after. I think its bc you get to a point where you miss them so much you can no longer go on without them. You start to not care, all you want is to see them again. I believe its the helpless longing for your significant other that kills you. Sometimes it just becomes so unbearable:( God not only wants to meet you, but he wants you to be reunited with your love.

why respect me...

I mean, to them I was only just the girlfriend right? That's BS. I was alot more then that and it would be nice if I was treated with a little more respect. I was supposed to be with him forever. I think alot fail to realize that. But its okay. There will come a day when ppl will finally see that I held his heart and he held mine. There's a reason for why we wanted to get married. I'm still praying that one day they can accept that. Until then, just knowing that he's watching is the only comfort I need:)

Have you ever just wanted to run away? Run to a place where u don't know anyone and everything is so unfamiliar to you?have you ever wished that u could escape your problems? I know there's a place like this.. its called heaven. I can't wait to get there. There will be no more pain or suffering. Our memory will be wiped clean and all we will feel is peace and love even towards our worst enemy. That's where he is and it brings me peace during moments like this. I just really wish he were here instead. I just wanna go away, far far away. I can't believe that I'm actually having thoughts about joining the military. I think if he were here, he would be very upset. But I truly want to look into it. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to fight for my family and my friends. I want to bring peace into their lives and I want to make them proud. I want to make ronnie proud of me. I know there's going to be a lot of people upset with me but I think I'm gonna do it.

words cant express how blessed i am to share a friendship with her.

"God made us best friends because our families couldn't handle us being sisters" :)

She is the only person I can truly trust and I feel that she would choose me over anyone. I love her and she is more then just my best friend. She picks me up when I'm down and she keeps me together. Its like she knows me so well bc I will literally be crying my eyes out and all of a sudden my phone rings and its her calling to tell me to be ready so we can go out for frozen yogurt! My favvvv:) I honestly don't know what I would do without her.you are talking about 16 years of friendship! That hardly happens now a days. We have been through soo many conniving friends and yet we have never drifted or allowed anyone to come in between. Erica is more then my best friend. She is my sister:)

I'm so determined to learn more about my religion. I want to know everything. I want to be able to have a full on conversation with someone about the Bible and know exactly what I'm talking about. Everything that has happened to me has brought me so close to the lord. Whenever I am feeling scared, sad,worried or alone, I reach for the soldiers Bible that ronnie gave to me on my 19th birthday and instantly I feel peace. I know it is the devil trying to break me down but I wont let him. I won't let him deceive me. I will conquer, I will prevail. The lord is my Savior and I am not ashamed. My Soul will live with him for eternity. I just need to continue to surround myself with good positive and spiritual people. I don't want to be an "every Sunday" Christian but rather an "everyday" Christian. All it takes is one person to impact another persons life. Ronnie impacted mine. It's my turn to impact someone else's. Its like a ripple effect that passes through one person to another. God works in mysterious ways. I can't wait to find out my purpose in life:) pray for me guys. I need all the strength I can get to be able to make it through this difficult time.

Have you ever woken up, angry that you woke up?

Try feeling that way everyday.

I've been so incredibly depressed lately. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't even see a point in living anymore. My heart has been ripped out of me and I am left so broken inside. What am I supposed to do without him? My life will never be the same again. What's the point in living anymore.


These were all my thoughts throughout my day....then someone reached out to me today and gave me this. She leaned over after asking me if my heart was still with the Lord and after slowly nodding yes, she handed me a piece of paper with the following written down on it. The littlest gesture from a person can really save someones life. This person saved my life today. I will cherish this forever.....


A FATHERS SONG
My daughter, you are beautiful
I twisted every strand of DNA with my own fingers
I chose your hair that shines
I chose your eyes that glow
Every dimple
Every lash
Every inch of your skin
I made myself.
"She's perfect." I said.
"Do you see my daughter? She's captivating!"

My daughter, you are loved.
I watch you laugh
I watch you grow
One glance takes my breath away
Every image sketched
Every point scored
Every note sung
I burst with pride
"Do you see her? Look! That one's mine."

My daughter, you are known.
I have counted every hair on your head
I know your ideal Guy
Your most embarrassing moment
Your favorite kind of ice cream
I know your fears and your ambitions
I know every secret you've ever had
I know your past
Present
and your future.
I know you better than you know yourself

My precious daughter, you are held
I have seen the tears
The nights when your pillow is soaked
I have seen the heart that was shattered
The hopes and dreams so cruelly dashed

Oh, my daughter, I have seen.
I have caught every tear in a bottle
And I keep it close to my heart
I collected the pieces of your heart
And I hold them still
Longing to restore them.
My arms are ready,
Open,
Reaching.

Run to me!
Run to me!
And I will give you rest.



And just like that, my faith was given back to me. All it took was for one person today to remind me of how much I am loved by the lord. He is waiting for me and so is ronnie. They both are wanting me to earn my spot up there and that's what I intend to do. I will see ronnie again.

I love him...

i remember when he used to say....

"Damn our kids are gonna be sexy!!"

Made me smile just thinking about it. I can still hear his voice. He hoped they would have all of my traits. But when it came down to it, I know he secretly wanted them to look like his mini me lol Our daughters: long dark hair, brown eyes, cute nose and little lips:) our sons: his smile, his gorgeous eyebrows, professional athletes:) lol he'd always say that they would make us rich and provide for us so we wont get sent to a home when we are old. Haha

Ron talked about "our kids" all of the time. As if they already existed. I hope to know someday why god never allowed our dream to come true. Until then I guess ill never know. I love imagining that still. But then it makes me sad after:( I know what I had with him was real. I love him with everything inside of me and if I could go with him up there today, I would. And I would love every minute of it.

I love you ronnie.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel today. As I'm sitting here thinking about this entire break I realize how much I truly needed this time away from school. So much happened this month. I survived the holidays...Christmas Eve Christmas day new years Eve, new years day which is my moms birthday, my 21st birthday. All without him:( it was incredibly hard but I'm so thankful for all of the support that people have given me. I'm very glad to have so many great people in my life. Because of him, so many have reached out to me. They check up on me daily, they come by to visit me, and they always let me know that they are here for me and thinking of me. I know they are making ronnie happy. They are being true people by taking care of me and I know he is happy and smiling. There are still some disrespectful people who say or do hurtful things but all I'm left to do is pray for them. I do pray for them. Its amazing how close I have grown with God. The beginning I was so angry at him but now I'm at peace. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments where I question him and his plans for me but I have my faith again. That's really important and I truly believe that it is him who is giving me the strength to wake up get out of bed, put my face on and go about my day. Its hard, but it is always done. I'm doing it for myself as well as ronnie and God. I want people to respect me, look up to me in some sort of way. Ronnie would always tell me how strong of a woman I was.if only people could have heard the way he would tell me. He believed in me and knew I could handle anything. He even admitted that is why he picked me. And I believe him. I believe he chose me out of everyone bc he knew that no matter what obstacles we faced, we would pull through and make it. We made it! Maybe not to the ending I wished so much for, but we came very far...to the end that God had planned for us. That's why when someone does something that hurts me or gets me thinking I have peace knowing that ronnie can see everything now. He knows who is a true person and who isn't. I know he sees me trying with people and putting myself out there. The ones who aren't accepting me, fine. All I know is that my love knows the real me. He sees me and sees me trying to have a relationship with certain people. I know he would be proud.it makes me sad knowing that he would truly be upset to see how some people are being. This is a time to stick together, not drift apart. That's why it is so important to me to have a relationship still with his family. They were going to be my family! I always want them a part of my life and I'm always going to be here for each of them. But there's only so much I can do. Just like ronnie would tell me "there's only so much you could do until its time for a person to meet you halfway.if its important to them, they will come around". I believe him. I wont give up though bc I know he wouldn't want me to do that. I want to make him proud. People say he will be looking down smiling and saying "that's my girl". I pray he is saying that. Everything I do for people or say to people is true and genuine. I'm trying to be the best person I can be because he's watching now. I want him to look down and see the girl he fell in love with helping others while trying to help herself. I heard this quote and it stuck with me. It went something like... a woman is someone who can stay strong for others when her world is falling apart while trying to stay strong for herself. I believe that so much and I want to live by that bc ronnie saw something in me that he had never seen in any other girl before. I know that he saw it as well as our closest friends and family members but now I want the world to see it too.I will reveal to everyone the woman ronnie fell in love with.

With god all things are possible...

ughhhh...

I'm so sick! I hateeeee being sick! I can't do anything bc I never have any strength. It takes everything out of me to just switch head positions on my stupid pillow or get up to drink my glass of water! I really thought I was going to pass the sickness for once. It seemed like everyone else was getting sick except for me but noooo I was wrong. It sucks too bc when I'm sick I stay sick for a really long time:/ I hope I get better soon bc I start school again next week:( I wish he were here. I miss him telling me to toughen up whenever I was sick. He never wanted to admit that he was "sick" his method was denial, denial, denial! Lol he was so cute. I remember the last time he was really sick. It was this past september. I kept telling him to eat fruit and drink lots of water and OJ. He would always say "but I'm not sick babe. I'll eat the fruit though!" Lol I miss his adorable laugh. I could say something incredibly stupid and he would think it was the cutest thing. I miss when him and I would Skype:( sometimes he would just stare and wouldn't say anything. Then I'd wave to him and he would snap outta it lol I would ask him what he was staring at and his response was always "you're beautiful babe" :( haha it never answered my question!lol and I would tell him that and laugh at him and he would say "be quiet brat!" Lol I can still hear his voice:) that makes me very happy. We would Skype for hoursssss! He never wanted to sign off. I didn't either but I would force him to go bc I wanted to make sure he had enough sleep and was well rested for the next day. I miss it so much:( I miss those little things that we both would do or say. He knew me so well. When he would be standing infront of me, I sometimes wouldn't even have to say anything bc he already knew what I was thinking. I love him so much. I can't wait to see him again.

behind every smile, there are a thousand more tears.

What people fail to realize is that I'm hurting and in so much pain. Even though I may be smiling, it doesn't mean that later on in the day I won't be crying. When I wake up in the morning, I may at times feel strong. I'll put on my make up or style my hair but that doesn't express anything. Just because I appear fine and back to normal on the outside doesn't mean that on the inside I'm not hurting or wanting to scream bc the truth is I'm dying inside. The way I feel is completely indescribable and I'm at a loss for words. So please, the next time you see me out and appearing to be happy and okay, just take a second to realize that inside its a whole other ball game. I felt the need to say this just because I see the way people act when I am out with friends or shopping for clothes with the girls. I'm not an alien so don't look so surprised to see me out. Many who have seen me out said it was wonderful to see me getting some fresh air and to be honest i enjoy being out of the house every now and then bc when I'm not cooped up, my mind stays busy on other things rather then over analyzing this shitty situation the lord has brought before my very eyes. Just know that no matter what I'm doing, where I am, who I'm with,or what I appear like, I am always hurting! Always! And ronnie stays on my mind every second that passes me by.

I'm usually really good at expressing the way I feel but when it involves me trying to talk about ronnie, I can't. This has caused my world to be completely shaken and flipped upside down. I miss him! That's all I can really say right now. Even that simple phrase just isn't enough! It doesn't fully explain how I'm feeling. Its so much deeper then that. Oh God how I wish I could see him again. Its weird to think that one day there I was happy, talking to him telling each other I love you, then the next day he's gone. Its almost been 3 months. To me it feels like its been forever. I love him:( I hope and pray to God that ronnie sees and hears me everyday. I pray its him who is wiping my tears from my face or keeping me warm at night. I have hour long conversations with him and cry every time I don't hear a response. I still can't believe this. Sometimes it feels like he's going to call any minute or I'm going to get an adorable messsage or comment from him on Facebook. I miss that. I miss the good morning calls or the ones where he calls during his sleep just to tell me that he loves me. I remember I used to get so mad at him whenever he would ruin his sleep time just to call me. I wouldn't say mad, but I'd always scold him to go back to sleep then thank him for calling me afterward haha I drove that boy crazy and so did he. But I love him with all of me. I always have. No matter what went wrong during our relationship we always worked it out. There were many things we didn't agree on but he stopped at nothing to make sure he made me happy. That's why I know deep down in my heart that he w.ould want nothing more then for me to be happy. If I can't be happy for me then I have to be happy for him. Whenever I was sad he would always say 'baby, I'm not fighting for you to be sad. I'm fighting for you to be happy. Smile for me my beautiful girl." I miss him telling me things like this or coming up with the most adorable nicknames to refer to me as. I love him. I will always love him. And no one can ever take that away from me. I hold his heart, afterall, he did give it to me.he told me to hold onto it for him for "forever and seven days":)


I love you ronnie.